


Stand in the Light

by Unyeilding (siberia_eva)



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Drunken Writing, F/M, Spoilers, Unrequited Love Solas/Trevelyan, love me some templars, non-cannon elements, sexually mature
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-03-28 23:31:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 62,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3874000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siberia_eva/pseuds/Unyeilding
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my version of events for Dragon age Inquisition, the relationship between Cullen and Lady Jewel Trevelyan, and the amazing people in this story. I am not a writer, if you have constructive criticism I am glad to hear it. I was totally inspired to write this by reading "Tearing down the Heavens" by zombolouge. And also by MaryDragon. They are both incredible and you should read their stuff. They are both much more funny than I. Thank you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Flashes of Thought

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Tearing Down the Heavens](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3456728) by [zombolouge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zombolouge/pseuds/zombolouge). 
  * Inspired by [Of Fear and Lyrium](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3196010) by [MaryDragon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryDragon/pseuds/MaryDragon). 



> As women, our thoughts can be very fragmented and jumbled. Combine this with the extreme events of what happens to the Inquisitor at the beginning of this game makes for crazy thoughts.

What I remember first, was everything tinged in an otherworldly green light. But amidst the fog was brightness. I was going toward that beautiful part of light. I always heard that death would lead you to it, but it was supposed to be peaceful. This was reeling. . .  
Heart . . . pounds hard.

Lungs . . . out of breath.

Eyes . . . tearing up.

Legs, pumping, running . . . keep climbing. 

Go toward the light. It is salvation. No, it’s a woman. It is a trick, but I don’t care. Anything is better than the fear that consumes me. Reach . . . keep reaching . . . almost there.

Wait . . . What?

So cold . . . the iron is cold . . . Iron? I don’t understand! I was supposed to be helping to prevent the mages from taking over Thedas. Right . . . ?

Pain . . . Thoughts seem to be clearer now, but what the fuck? Did I really just see a light come from my hand? Pain . . . Don’t pass out, come on Jewel, keep it together. The left side of my body seems to grow numb starting from the palm of my hand. What is this? Oh Maker, just let me die. 

Stop! . . . Focus! . . . You are surrounded by enemies. Enemies? I don’t know them, they are holding the points of their swords on me . . . yes, enemies! 

A woman . . . the same woman from before? No . . . two women, aggressive . . . enemies? Unsure . . . wait . . . listen.

What is she accusing me of? The conclave . . . ? Destroyed . . . ? Processing . . . ! Oh, maker! Andraste, protect the innocent. To punish the mages, the maker must have condemned them all to die. 

“All those people, dead?”

Her name was Cassandra, the little red head referred to her as such. She could be dangerous. She is raving about things I don’t know or understand . . . Andraste’s tits, I hurt so badly.

Focus! . . .

I wanted Cassandra to make more sense, to explain what was going on. All I was able to piece together was that the conclave was destroyed, as in, the Temple was destroyed. Cassandra decided to show me what happened.

Andraste’s curved butt cheeks; there was a green hole in the sky. I remembered green light just like that . . . where? When?

I was already in pain when another . . . flare? throb? Fucking, dagger? (I don’t know) hit me in the palm of my hand. I have been trained to school myself, but I couldn’t help the scream that left my lips. 

Cassandra explained to me what seemed to be going on. This breach was connected to me somehow (what a sick joke!) I knew that I didn’t cause this explosion that Cassandra was talking about. (Oh, Maker and his stupid bride . . . what happened to Calvin?) If looks could kill, I would have died on my way to wherever Cassandra was taking me. Everyone’s eyes were full of vitriol as they looked at me. She needed me to try and close a rift to see if I could close the breach. I would do whatever she wanted if it meant the pain in my arm would stop. So I followed her.

There was a seasoned soldier curled up on himself rocking back and forth. He was crying, I was sure of it. What the fuck happened? What could possible shake them up so badly. We marched on. I couldn’t have counted the bodies we passed. Some were wrapped and ready to be put to torch, others would be waiting a while longer for Andraste’s blessing.

A woman was screaming . . . no wait . . . it was me. The pain from the breach expanding increased the already horrendous amount of agony through the left side of my body. I wished I could tear off the offending limb and be done with it.

The bridge collapsed right from under me. Then I knew what had these veteran soldiers screaming that it was the end of the world. Everywhere there was a green light (a rift), demons poured from the sky. 

Focus. 

She was a skilled warrior, Cassandra. She tried to prevent the first demon from attacking me. There was no way she could see that another had risen up after she engaged the first. I desperately looked to my surroundings, knowing there was no way for me to survive. Wait, was that really a bow lying by the crates. It seemed to be the Makers will that I fight with Cassandra, for there was no other reason for my favored weapon to be lying so close. 

I quickly willed myself from sight, gathered the proffered weapon, and let loose! I aimed the first arrow well. I wanted to strike my enemy down. But then, I started blindly shooting. 

My brother was dead . . . loose . . . my personal guard was gone . . . loose . . . They were more than family . . . loose . . . My betrothed . . . loose . . . my friends . . . loose . . . and these stupid people think I killed them . . . LOOSE!

The demons were gone too soon. I had more anger to expel, so I wouldn’t cry. I will not cry. Don’t think. “No, I will not give up my weapon. Yes you’re skilled, but you can’t get them all!”

Cassandra understood and let me keep the bow. Thank the Maker because I would not have wanted to fight her for it.

It turned out to be a good thing. As I followed her to the rift she wanted me to see, there were more and more demons falling from the sky. Fucking mages, this is why Andraste wanted them to be overseen. They have a great gift, truly, but left unchecked they could tear the world apart. 

If it weren't for the mages, there wouldn't have been a rebellion, there wouldn't have been a war, and there would be no need for the conclave. My brother, Justinia, all of them, would still be alive.

So here I am killing Demons to see if there truly is a way for me to help.

The rift is full of that vile green light. Staring at it too long makes me sick, so I help kill more demons, and then a man grabs my throbbing hand and forces it toward the rift in the sky. Oh Maker it burns, I hurt, I can barely ask the man what he did. It wasn’t him. It was the mark on my palm. 

The mark is strange to say the least. It looks like glowing crystal, but it is my own flesh. It’s like the muscle and skin of my hand has been transformed somehow. I sicken at the thought that it is magic etched in my skin, the same magic that claimed and killed my parents. 

** “We only wanted to be free of the circle!” exclaimed the mages who killed my parents. “It was an accident!”  
My mother was a good woman, wanted to help everyone, equally. Race, belief, or magical ability held no sway over her. And bless my father’s heart; he loved her so much that he indulged every whim. The two mages had stopped at our fortress earlier with the story that they had escaped the circle at Ostwick and were hungry. They only wanted food and they would be on their way. My mother and father gave them enough supplies for a week, while I watched my brother Calvin water and ready horses for them. They would help anyone who asked for help, and had. **

Varric, a dwarf from the surface, introduces himself. I think he says something about his crossbow? I can barely focus past the pain. (Don’t pass out) The he tells me that Solas had watched over me while I recovered. I thanked the medic for his help, and then I found out. Cassandra told me he was an apostate. All I could do was look at him. Fucking Mage! I was in no position to say anything, however, and the fact that this mark was slowly killing me and he helped me, allowed me to calm down.

Calvin . . . I wish you were here!

More demons and another rift. 

The pain . . . no one could imagine it . . . now is not the time, focus . . . I will put it behind me until later. 

Why . . . ? Why do I have this mark that closes these Maker forsaken demon holes?

Are you fucking kidding me, is no one in charge? I hear Liliana (Sister Nightingale, the Left hand of the Divine) being argued with by a cleric, (is he fucking insane?) He thinks I killed everyone and wants me to die in Val Royeaux. 

The breach expands, and I want to cry, but instead I laugh . . . “I am not going to reach a trial! Whatever we do, we do it now.” I really do want to help. I can’t leave these faithful people battling demons if there is something I can do about it.

Varric, Cassandra, and the mage follow me to what used to be the Temple of Sacred Ashes. Only hours ago this place was beautiful. Spires of rock that rose to the heavens as if beseeching the Maker to watch over his beloved, the detail that was rediscovered when the temple itself was restored. The Chantry tried so hard to honor that which was here before, and they did a remarkable job of honoring the final resting place of our Blessed Andraste. I almost cried the first time I came through the marble arches.  
Now it was a charred ruin. Not even a shadow lingered of the place it was before. I found myself being grateful that the Maker had seemed fit to bring Andraste’s ashes home to his side. Not wanting mortal hands to sully even that much of her. Another rift full of demons, more arrows . . . I would need to find more . . . Don’t let them get too close to the others . . . loose . . . get to higher ground . . . loose.  
I found myself being grateful that I was killing them from a distance. Cassandra and the soldiers fighting were covered in gore. Not the gore of normal men, but smoking, black, and coagulated sludge that clung to them in ways I didn’t want to think about. I tried closing the rift like before, but I couldn’t. I started to panic, but then . . . 

** “Stop . . . Focus . . . stare down your target. Don’t let anything distract you. Not me, not the storm, nothing.” Dominic was an amazing teacher. He was Calvin’s best friend and saw the talent in me when I was young and so started to teach me. Both Calvin and my parents indulged me, as they indulged everything I wanted. **

I focused. The rift couldn’t close because demons were starting to form from the fade again. I quickly recovered as many arrows as I could and yelled for everyone to stand ready.  
Terrors jumped at me, and I almost faltered. Stop . . . Focus . . . I was able to stop one from tearing off the blond head of the soldier fighting them, but another injured the young woman by tearing at her leg before it went down.  
Intense and shooting pain . . . Closed. No more demons. Thank the Maker. 

The commander thanked Cassandra for closing the rift. I felt a slight disappointment that he didn’t thank me instead. I was the one in all the pain. Cassandra acknowledged me, however, and it turned the commander’s gaze on me instead. His eyes bore in to my very soul; his men had died getting me safely here. Even more deaths because of this tragedy, all I could say was that I would do my best.

I had to stop and stare when Cassandra pointed out where her soldiers had found me. In many ways I was grateful, no one wants to die early, but another part of me wishes I could have died with Calvin and Dominic. . . No, I wanted to be here to help this faithful woman heal Thedas. I wanted her to avenge Divine Justinia. I wanted her to avenge the death of my brother and of my betrothed.


	2. Fight to the Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am not a writer. This is where we fight to close the rift for the first time.

Cassandra was a very handsome woman. I would have said beautiful but something told me she might kick my ass. I have never seen a face even more angular than my own. She had a very stern jaw, tight and controlled much like her style of fighting. Her hair was a brown so dark that it was almost black. It looked like she cut it off herself in a fit of rage to get it out of her face. The only remnant that she may have had some length at one time, was a braid trailing around her crown. If her demeanor didn’t tell me she had a rough couple of years, her features would have. She had a couple of scars across her cheek that, I am sure, taught her to focus. I had my own share of facial scaring that reminded me I was a better fighter at a distance, and one from my horse Raven. 

Varric was hiding, I didn’t know him very long but I could tell that he used humor to put those around him at ease, without actually putting himself out there. He had broken his nose, more than likely twice, and dressed to show an abundance of chest hair. (He must do it on purpose, isn’t he cold?) He clubbed part of his hair back, and didn’t have a beard. Every dwarf I’ve ever met had a beard. I even met a female dwarf once who had . . . remnants of one. He seemed nice enough though.

The mage had stern eyes that turned down like he was always disappointed. They were a weird color of blue (maybe because of his magic?) and I didn’t like it when he looked at me. I had to make a conscious effort not to judge him by others actions, and only by his own. The fact that he had never been in a circle was disconcerting. Oh Maker, don’t let him go crazy on us. He had a pleasant enough face. He was probably old enough to be my father but it only showed in his manner, not in his appearance. The fact that he was an elf gave him more headway, in my opinion, because I was always fond of the elven servants in my home. 

I didn’t like having an apostate at my back, so I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other . . . focus.

Then there was more of the same . . . Bodies charred beyond recognition. It was a macabre garden that had frozen in horror. More rubble and scorched rock, melted metal twisted into obscene shapes. But the worst thing was the smell. It smelled like cooking meat, but I knew it was people so it made me want to retch. Under the smell of cooking meat was, char, dust and something metallic. I could taste the smell on my tongue. (Don’t retch . . . focus)  
We moved through and Cassandra pointed out where I was discovered. I searched for any sign that others could have survived. There was nothing. I was so tired and I hurt so bad . . . just tell me what you want Cassandra. The rift was a throbbing, pulsing mass of glowing, green, crystalline rock. 

After Lilianna’s people joined us and we fanned out, we found something that was different.

Varric briefly explained red lyrium, and I decided that I was grateful I wasn’t going to have to deal with that part of this mess. That thought no sooner formed in my mind when a deep and thundering voice broke into my silent reverie. 

I couldn’t think about the voice that the apostate said was the one who blew up the conclave. The left side of my body was aflame like lava poured through my veins in place of the blood I knew it to be. I was so close to the breach, I would close it even if it was the last thing I would do, but then I passed out. 

I dreamed. I dreamed of Divine Justinia. I saw her being held . . . by a shadow . . . red flames instead of eyes, were floating within the smoke. I could almost make out his face, but at that moment, all I could see was mine. My face. I saw my black hair pulled up into a tight bun to make it look deceptively manageable. I knew it to be so thick and long that the only way to control it was to wear it this way, especially for travel and fighting. I have fair skin although my mother was paler. My eyes were grey but when I was angry, afraid or impassioned they looked violet. I had violet eyes a lot lately. Then I heard my voice ringing out, trying to find out what was going on. I had no recollection of this happening. Why couldn’t I remember?

I guess I hadn’t passed out or dreamed. Everyone else saw this vision too. Cassandra rounded on me.

“I don’t remember!” I’m sure I must have screamed. The left side of my body was tearing itself off from the right, I knew it. Nothing else could provide this kind of pain. I was tempted to pray again to the Maker for death, when Solas (that was the mages name) had me open the rift. Cassandra trusted him and so I would follow her lead. It’s not like I knew what I was doing.

Fuck! Stupid mage, I had never seen a demon so big. I was not the only one whose arrows seemed to be useless. The pain was so bad that I knew I was going to die soon. I had to try to seal this rift before it happened. As I reached out to the rift, I could tell it was different. I couldn’t explain how it was different; it was almost like it was higher, or lower, or to the left or to the right . . . just different.

The pride demon went down. 

“Now!” Cassandra screams. The other archers I was with pummeled the demon with arrows alongside me. Cassandra was vicious in her attacks, using her shield as another weapon verses a defense. We almost had the creature when more demons showed up and bolstered his defense. I wanted to cry. I honestly didn’t know how long I could keep this up. I was going to be too numb to be able to shoot my bow soon, let alone try to close the breach. Something about my mark drew these new demons to me. I concentrated on being invisible and was able to sneak away. I knew we needed to try something before we were defeated when Varric went down. 

I saw him lying there and could only think of the healing potion attached to my belt. I could get it to him if this demon were vulnerable again. I wanted to hit myself. How could I be so stupid? I tried the same maneuver on the rift as before, the one that made the demon weak. There was a moment of complete clarity. 

I saw the swordsmen along with Cassandra rushing the manifestation of pride, unrelenting in their attempt to take it down. Leliana was able to pinpoint tiny weaknesses between the armored plates of the creature every time she fired. The archers with her were almost as skilled as I was, but I knew even I couldn’t hold a candle to the flame that was Leliana. I begrudgingly had to admit that Solas was impressive. He kept the closest group of fighters to him shrouded in a magical barrier while occasionally able to launch a blast of frost from his staff at the beast. I realized that disrupting the rift seemed to disconnect it from the fade for a moment. That was the pride demons source of strength. Thank you Andraste! It must have taken only moments to disrupt the rift, but it granted me a respite I desperately needed. 

The moment pride was on his knees I rushed to Varric with the potion. Not a moment too soon. Apparently the creature decided to pull out all the stops. From out of nowhere Pride seemed to pull out whips of pure electricity. It controlled lightning? Andraste preserve me, how unfair! Varric and I work together to weaken the beast. I know we are close when yet again it gains a new connection to the fade, and more demons come to help it. I know what to do now though; I had Varric cover me while I slinked over to the breach, and disrupted it. I then shot the demon with all the arrows I had left as I leaped back to safety. He was down.

Cassandra yelled once more “Now.” I hesitated. This would probably kill me. “Do it!” she screams. Well, I guess this is what I came here for. I aimed the mark at the rift and . . . 

I died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you really call it a cliff hanger, when you all know what happens?


	3. Flashing Back but Going Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel meets the rest of the inquisition

I was so relieved to be dead and have no more pain. I wanted to see Dominic, but my brother Calvin was who I thought of the most. Then my parents . . . I would see my parents.

** Templars were close on the mages tail. I was taught that we should help everybody, be it mage or Templar. Just because we weren’t able to help the Mages before the Templars arrived didn’t mean we lied to the Templars. “They are Andraste’s holy army and we will not get in the way of their duty.” My brother Calvin would say. We knew these men, we had sheltered them before. They knew what we would do, and accepted it. When the newly runaway mages saw them however, they panicked. I saw a large ball of fire go for the Templars, we stayed out of it. It didn’t matter, the Templars were amazing soldiers and were able to disrupt it before it came close enough to them to cause any harm. Then one of the mages grabbed for me, a young girl of 15. I tried to remain calm, but my mother seemed to lose herself. Before anyone could stop her she rushed the mages, only to get to my side. She just wanted to get to me, they killed her. My father rushed them now for a different purpose. They burned him so badly that he was unable to recover. He died the next day when Calvin gave him the kindness of a quick death. Father joined Mother at the Makers bosom. **

I realized two things. If I were dead I wouldn’t be thinking I was grateful to be dead, and I still hurt. It was only my arm from the elbow down. A constant throbbing, but nothing compared to the previous experience. I prayed. Thank you Maker, for ending my pain. Thank you, for not doing it by letting me die. Thank you, for letting me fight alongside the left and right hand of the Divine. I blinked open my eyes. 

An elven woman dropped her parcel as I sat up. She dropped to the ground in religious approbation. I didn’t know what was wrong and she seemed frightened to tell me that the breach was no longer growing like the mark on my hand. I could have kissed her for that bit of news alone. She also told me Cassandra wanted to see me in the Chantry. After she ran off I figured I could find it on my own. I was locked up there after all. 

I was not prepared for the sight outside the door. Streams of people were lined up in reverence. I heard snippets of conversations as I ran through Haven. “Herald of Andraste” “Sent to save us” “There was a woman behind her in the rift” “She stopped the breach from growing” Oh Andraste’s Tits. Was it Her? Was She watching over me? Was She the beautiful light I was reaching for? How could I possible be worthy? It probably wasn’t supposed to be me. It was supposed to be Calvin in that vision with Divine Justinina, I’m sure. Oh Maker, help me?

I felt the sense of calm, that I always get when having serious prayer. As I entered the Chantry and couldn’t help but over hear, okay eavesdrop, Cassandra and the sour faced chancellor arguing. I failed?! Oh, no. I opened the door ready to defend myself when Cassandra did it for me. 

Divine Justinia's last order. Find those who will stand, stop the war. We needed to close the breach and then deal with the mages. Cassandra gave me some gear to wear. The dignitary clothing I brought with me along with my travel clothes were destroyed with everything and everyone else. I had nothing. I knew nobody. 

I walked out of the chantry to get some air before Cassandra brought me back in to introduce me to everyone. I looked out to Haven. It looked like I felt. A huge hole in the sky though mine was in my heart. The air was cold. It hurt to breathe. All of a sudden I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs. I took faster breaths, I knew that was wrong but I couldn’t help it. There was light snow falling, melting on my face to mix with the tears I couldn’t help but shed. 

Focus . . . I can’t . . . stop . . . focus! Why? Andraste, why wasn’t Calvin chosen to survive? Why did he have to die? Why couldn’t Dominic have been with me? My only memory after the beautiful tour and getting settled into our rooms at the Temple wasn’t even a memory. It was a vision that was shared with the group of people I had been with at the time. Why was I there? How did I hear Justinina call for help and no one else did? Who betrayed her? No one could have gotten to her without someone betraying her. 

Dominic, you should have been there. Or Calvin.

** “You’re feeling sorry for yourself.” It wasn’t a question it was a statement. Dominic was Calvin’s best friend; I had known him my whole life. He came for the funerals, but stayed for his friend. It was my 16th birthday and Calvin, my friends, and our servants had tried to make it a celebration. I escaped out of my window and was sitting on the roof, well, feeling sorry for myself. Damn it he was right.

“I don’t want to.” I told him. “How do I stop?”

“Come here.” He grabbed my hunting bow along with his own gear and we went to the soldiers training yard. He set the hay bales we used for practice at 100 paces.

“I can’t shoot that!”

“You will. You just need to learn to focus.” I rolled my eyes at him, but I did ask to stop feeling sorry for myself. I had no one to blame but myself. “First just shoot, go ahead and aim if you want but you need to just shoot for a while.”

I wouldn’t tell anyone until much later but I imagined the mages at first. I could clearly see the green eyes of the man who killed my mother in a panic, then the almost black eyes of the woman who burned my father beyond recovery. Then it was nothing, I saw nothing, I felt nothing. I reached up for another arrow, only to realize I had no more. For the first time since I started, I saw my surroundings. There was one arrow in the bale, almost on the target. The rest were Maker knows where.

“Feel better?” Dominic asked me. I broke down in sobs. He held onto me, clearly not knowing what to do with a hysterical girl four years younger than him. When I had no tears left, and all I could do was heave out the last of my breath. I sat up and looked at him. His blue eyes stared into my grey. “Focus.” I did. I think I fell in love with him right then. It was then I learned that my eyes would turn violet in my grief.

I felt better. I would lose count of the many times Dominic told me to focus. It would become my own mantra in the years to come. **

Now six years later, I ran out into the woods to soot out my quiver so I could regain my focus. I ran past the simple people of Haven, I ran past the soldiers training, I ran past a few sisters sharing the chant. I ran past a couple arguing.

I shot out my quiver, collected my arrows and shot it out again. There were a few nugs around and at a distance, because of their small size, they made good targets. It was cold so I could gather the meat later. It wasn’t until I started gathering my arrows a second time that I felt better. It had nothing to do with focus, or with the physical exertion of my impromptu workout. It was elfroot.

Here, with the heavy snow, the panic in the air, and so many lost people, the small furls of deep green Elfroot were pushing their way past the weight of the snow to reach out to the sun. As if its leaves were arms raised in triumph over the struggle it must have been to not only survive, but to thrive. It was everywhere. I started to gather it on my way back to Haven. I noticed it everywhere. If this simple healing herb could push through the trials that were heaped upon it, than so could I.

I met Cassandra who must have been looking for me with my head held high. I was staring at the mark I knew to be under the glove on my hand. I knew it to look like a murky green crystal that would flare and glow when I used it. My hand was stiff, though that was more the pain from my episode in the woods that from the mark itself. I told Cassandra that I wished I knew exactly how to use this mark. She told me that the mage (now I am being ungrateful), Solas, said it needed more power. Oh Maker I think that would kill me. The breach needs to close, so be it.

We walked in to what must have been a study at some point, and Cassandra introduces me to everyone. I had met the Commander before, but only briefly. He was a very attractive man. He must have been in his mid to late thirties. I would have pegged him older at first but I am sure a lot of that has to do with the amount of battle he has dealt with. He had blond curly hair that had been brushed back, darker eyebrows, some minor scars on his face, and it looked like he was in perpetual need of a shave. What truly grabbed my attention though were his eyes. They were amber and honey, with a depth to them that betrayed a myriad of emotions. The most prominent was relief. He was a man of action, and now they had a way to stop what was happening. Me. Just under that was pain. I am sure he lost many good men. I remember the bodies wrapped for the pyre. I could tell he hadn’t been sleeping, though Cassandra and I myself, I’m sure, didn’t look much better. 

Josephine was stunning. She had mocha skin, dark hair, and a bewitching accent. I loved how she did her hair, but couldn’t imagine the time it would take to manage that style. She had the most adorable beauty mark just to the lower right of her mouth, which had pouty and full lips. She seemed very nice, and pleasant, but was able to get right down to business.

I had seen Leliana before but it was quite harried. She had perfect skin, but I could tell she carried a weight. Only time could tell what it was and I had nothing better to do than get to know these people and start making friends. I don’t know why she covered her beautiful red hair. I loved it and wished I could tell her so. Her eyes though, as beautiful as they were, I couldn’t keep her gaze. I don’t know why, I wasn’t holding anything from her. But the longer she looked at me the more I knew that she bore into my very soul with them. I have no doubt that soon she would know everything about me. Not just from looking into my eyes, but from wherever she could. I knew that I needed to have her comfortable with me and I would make sure she could learn everything she wanted.

Mages? They wanted to work with the mages to pour their magic into me to close the breach. I was about to say no when Cullen voiced his opinion. He thinks Templars could suppress the breach so it was easier to close. That sounded so much better. I would have told him so but then at that moment he said he used to be a Templar. Used to be, how does one stop being a Templar? I need to know these people and then I can express how I feel. The Chantry has denounced us? Why? Andraste saved me; she marked me, didn’t she? Josephine says they are scared. They are worried about the wrong thing. We need to close the breach.

I will meet with this woman, Mother Giselle. She thinks she can help. She is healing the refugees in the Hinterlands. Leliana is going to send scouts to see what is going on over there; in the meantime I should go to the smithy and get the feel for the area before we reconvene to discuss the other concerns. 

***

Cullen could tell that Lady Trevelyan had more to say on the matter. He could see it in her face. Her exquisitely unusual eyes were expressive but didn’t give too much away. What he did notice immediately however, was the pain. It was tapped down in the back, but he could see it. It is so much easier to recognize something in others that you try so desperately to hide yourself. Here she stood, head held high, resplendent in the stock armor she was wearing, while we all decided her future, and she was hiding the pain. She had drawn his attention almost immediately. As soon as he knew she was responsible for closing the rifts, he dared to hope. Hope was dangerous. He had been through too much, he thought, to hope again. But it seemed he was wrong. It was in his nature. He was explaining, yet again, that the Templars were the inquisitions best chance at closing the breach. Perhaps he could convince her. The other three had heard all of this before and still disagreed with him. Lady Trevelyan, the Herald of Andraste (I’m not sure how I feel about that as her title), had not heard it yet however, and he was going to sway her. He would have continued to argue when Josephine interrupted him, and so did a massive headache. 

After Jewel Trevelyan left, the inquisition council stayed on to discuss other matters. They had been established as the inquisition only a short amount of time, but already requests were coming in. This lord wanted help removing refugees from his land (Cullen thought they should aid the refugees), the Teyern of Highever wanted something to remember Justinina by, and as they were about to leave the council, another missive arrived. The Heralds family seemed to be causing trouble. He would leave that to Josephine, except, he and Cassandra decided they would see how the Herald felt about her family.


	4. Purpose and Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel needs something to occupy herself. She finds it.

I still felt lost. No, more like, at a loss. I wasn’t exactly sure what to do to with the time I had before the scout report came in. We were waiting to hear about the state of the Hinterlands where Mother Giselle was helping Refugees. I wandered the Chantry. I went to where they held me earlier. 

Ow . . . stupid lamp. Whoever hung that light must have been short.

I saw where they had me chained. I guess it could have been worse. So I knelt and prayed. Dear Maker, how am I to do this? 

** “One arrow at a time.” Under Dominic’s tutelage I was becoming quite adept. He had basically moved in with us after the funerals and had been here for almost two years. We would shoot almost every day together. My oldest brother Marric was to take up the Mantle of Lord. My older sister Mary was married now with a baby on the way and Lizbeth was a Sister in the local Chantry. Calvin was meant to follow by joining the Templar Order and I was destined for the Chantry. It didn’t matter that it had been put off while we were in mourning, it was still going to happen. Marric, while sympathetic, knew that it was time. 

I used to look forward to being a Sister, but now (thanks to Dominic) I no longer wanted to take a Sisters vows. **

One step at a time. 

I walked through Haven and started talking to people. I met Threnn, the quartermaster. I didn’t know what to make of her at first. She seemed to be short tempered, but she treated me like everyone else. I respected that she had her own opinions, (I wasn’t there, who am I to judge) but while talking to her, I almost wanted to kiss her feet. She gave me a purpose. The soldiers needed gear, armor, weapons, food, blankets . . . I could help. I raced off. I saw Iron earlier when I was off picking elfroot. I would need to bring that to Threnn and the Elfroot to whoever was treating the wounded and I would need tools. 

I was running around everywhere and ran into Varric. I told him what I was about and he chuckled. He said he would pass the information on to Cassandra.

***

Cullen wanted to talk to the Herald. Wanted to tell her about her family and find out how she was holding up. He spotted Cassandra with the practice dummies, and went over to her.

“So what do you make of our Herald, Commander?” She asked.

He wasn’t really prepared with an answer and so he said, “I was looking for her actually.”

Cassandra raised an eyebrow at him as she responded, “We will not be meeting again until tomorrow, she has found something to occupy her. What did you need her for?”

“I only wanted to ask her . . .” He trailed off only imagining what he must sound like. “We don’t know anything about her and she needs to know about her relatives. They are already starting to hound her. She was just our prisoner and now is the Herald of Andraste. Does she even believe in the Maker? Will she stand for what we stand? I know these things are important, and yet I don’t even know her well enough to start asking such questions.”

“I will ask.” Cassandra stated, “I know her well enough to ask her such questions.” It was Cullen’s turn to raise an eyebrow. “We fought and bled together and I am sure Leliana wants to know the answers to that as well.” 

Cullen felt both relieved and perturbed. He didn’t want to pry, but he did want to know Lady Trevelyan. He wanted the time to work with the soldiers, but he also didn’t think the Herald should already be shirking the war council for personal concerns. He wandered around for a few more minutes before it was clear that Lady Trevelyan was not in Haven at all, though he wasn’t even aware he had been looking for her.

It wasn’t until much later that he saw her. He had already left the soldiers to their training and was working in his tent, when he heard the commotion. People were shouting, but it wasn’t in fear or anything like that. It was surprise. He rushed out to see what the commotion was about and saw her. She had a cart full of Iron and a map to a logging site for Threnn, two huge sacks full of elfroot as well as some letters for Adan, pelts for Harrit, meat for Flissa and those on cook duty, and cloth for the Sisters to use as bandages. She wore dirt, blood and thicker things from head to toe, but her smile was brilliant and as she stepped into the light the snow that floated around her face was set on fire by it. Cullen again felt what he should be wary of. Hope, she brought hope. He wasn’t the only one. All around people were smiling and cheering. For the first time since the Conclave exploded, Cullen felt some small semblance of peace. 

***

I felt much better after making the deliveries around Haven. Everywhere around me the people are cheering and grateful. I just needed to help, I just needed something to do, and I just needed to forget. It helped; it truly did, to bring others what they needed. I am not a trainer of soldiers, or a seeker of truth, or a gatherer of information. I’m not even a diplomat even though that was why I was at the conclave. This will be how I would belong. Mother Giselle was helping the refugees in the Hinterlands, I could help them here, or wherever it is I end up. 

As I left Adan with all the herbs I could find, I saw Solas. He was standing there looking at me, rather quizzically. I decided I was being very ungrateful to the man that helped save my life. I took a deep breath and went to talk to him.

“Thank you!” I blurted out. I immediately felt awkward as his face barely even twitched. “For saving me from the mark. I mean.”

“Of course.” He replied. That was it? That was all he was going to say? I started to leave when he said more. “I wonder what kind of hero you will be.”

“I don’t want to be a hero.” I was totally caught off guard by that. I looked at him, dead serious and said, “I will do what must be done, I will help the people I can, and I will close the breach.” He smiled then, kind of.

“How does that not make you a Hero?” Solas then told me about the things he had seen in the fade. I began to fear him then. I commented that I hoped he was happy, and left him so I could think. 

Magic was something that I didn’t understand, couldn’t understand. We are taught that it is a gift from the Maker, given to serve man. I was curious about how others viewed magic, and mages. If I was sent by Andraste to save her people, wouldn’t I want to save them all? No matter what? I looked around. There were dwarves and elves mixed with all the humans. Men, women, children, Sisters, soldiers, Templars, mages, and there were others who seemed a little lost, like me. Andraste wants to save them all. I know she does. I needed to learn, about everything. I needed to not be afraid of Solas, or the other mages. I’ll start with Solas though. At least I know he doesn’t mean me harm. He saved my life. How? That would be the start. Maybe he knows more about this mark because of the time he spent studying it. I meant to turn around when suddenly there was a pair of boots in front of me.

***

“Maker, you need a bath!” That was not what Cullen wanted to come out of his mouth, but when Lady Trevelyan turned around that was all he could think. He immediately regretted it though when she started to blush. He didn’t mean to embarrass her. “I mean, I could find someone to draw you one. I believe Lady Montilyet has assigned a servant to your quarters.”

“I have quarters?” She asked.

“Yes, you woke up in them this morning.” Where did she think she was going to sleep, in a tent?

“Oh.” She looked down at herself then. She must not have noticed the dirt, blood, and viscous material all over her until now. It looked like she had been skinning and cleaning animals, well, because she had been. Her violet eyes flashed with embarrassment. 

Cullen didn’t mean to make her feel bad.

“I’m sorry, I just . . . um, wanted to, uh, thank you.” She smiled, albeit slightly, then.

“By telling me I stink?”

“No, I mean you do, but . . . Oh Maker, you took me by surprise.” She looked up at him then, Cullen was taken back by how lovely she was. Her dark hair was falling out of her bun but didn’t seem to want to be completely free of it. It made him wonder how long it really was. Her eyes were extraordinary, different shades of violet depending on the light and what she was thinking. They were mostly grey right now; the light was too soft to reveal the true color. He was only a little taller than her and he reached down to wipe away some dirt off of her mouth. When he realized what he was about to do, he let his hand drop. “I mean, you surprised us all. We have all been busy trying to build this inquisition, and you accomplished more in one day than we have in weeks.”

“What do you mean?” Lady Trevelyan seemed genuinely puzzled.

Cullen rubbed at his neck while looking for the words to explain. “We brought people together, to serve a bigger purpose, to act where the chantry cannot. There is so much we can do. Somewhere after the explosion, we forgot that. You reminded us. You provided for the people, showed that Andraste’s Herald cares about them, is willing to do whatever it takes to get them what they need. We brought them together in this place, but you . . . you brought them together with purpose, and gratitude.” Cullen had wanted to make her feel better, but now there were tears in her eyes. Oh, what did he say now, He didn’t mean to make her cry. “Look, I . . .” He never made it any further than that when she launched herself into him and hugged him.

He was taken by complete surprise. He found himself putting his arms around her to match hers around him. She had nice breasts. It was a fleeting thought, he was still a man after all, and she had just pressed them against him. He felt appropriately contrite after thinking it. This was the Herald of Andraste after all. Then she suddenly pushed him away. He hadn’t said it out loud had he?

“I am getting you filthy. I am so sorry.” She smiled at him then. Cullen thought that it was the first genuine smile that he had seen from her. It made his breath hitch. “There is one problem though, about taking a bath.” She seemed uncomfortable again and her teeth drew her lower lip in her mouth for a moment. When she looked back up at Cullen, her large eyes peering through the thick fringe of dark eyelashes, she let go of her lip and a soft pink tongue darted out to lick it. “I don’t have anything else to wear.” 

She said the last part so quietly he wasn’t sure that he heard her correctly. “What?” 

“Everything I owned was lost at the Temple.” Cullen felt shamed. Had no one thought of that? They gave her the leather she was wearing because it had the Inquisition coat of arms on it. He started thinking of what she would need and realized he needed to find a woman to help her with that.

“I will ask Lady Montilyet. I am sure she will send someone to your quarters.” He turned and left then. Rather abruptly he knew, but the thoughts going through his head at the image of her having nothing to put on after her bath were going in a dangerous direction. He went quickly to inform Josephine. 

***

I knew I shouldn’t have hugged him like that, I just really needed a friend and he said some of the nicest things. I really needed that. It also made it a little less weird to confide in him my dilemma in needing everything from small clothes to night clothes.  
I felt so much lighter as I made my way to the, my, little cottage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you ever noticed how much all of the characters say "Of Course" . . . All the time. :D
> 
> I again must credit zombolouge with her story Tearing down the Heavens for the inspiration in this chapter.


	5. New friendships.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel stands up for what's right.

During war council the next morning I felt more like myself. The elven girl who awoke me the day before had calmed down enough to help take care of me last night. She was very sweet and helped me clean up, wash my hair, and get the simple things like a brush and a breast band, and her name was Milly, it felt like being home. I was able to fall into a wonderful sleep as she brushed my hair. 

What Cullen told me last night really resonated with me. I felt strongly about some things and left other matters to those who were better suited. But then they were arguing again about whether to help the mages or the Templars so they would help us and about what they should do for this Lord or that Lord and I couldn’t stand it anymore.

“SHUT IT!!” I yelled. “We are getting nowhere this way. What does the inquisition stand for? What does it mean?” I looked around at everyone. They were all stunned silent so I continued. “Yes the breach is our primary concern, but while we are doing what we can to secure the help with that, we need do more.” I was fully impassioned now. “We must concentrate on helping those who need it. The chantry has folded in on itself to argue over who should become the next divine and in the meantime people are losing their homes, farms are no longer being tended, which means no food next season. Families are being torn apart by this stupid mage war, and when the Templars are needed the most, they run off to be their own holy army. We are the Inquisition! We will not let those who need us go hungry, we will not let those trying to find refuge be hounded, we will do what the Chantry cannot, we will provide succor where we can, food, clothing, healing. I will not give into the silly whims of some noble man and hound the refugees off of his land. We will help them and thank him for letting us know that there were those who needed help. We will stop the Templars and mages from attacking the refugees Mother Giselle is so desperately trying to help and we will do it now. I will leave tomorrow at first light for the Hinterlands, and I will take Cassandra, Varric and Solas with me.” My tirade was over and I had tears glistening in my eyes. I didn’t know how strongly I felt about it until I started talking. I needed to leave before the tears ran over and before the others started arguing with me again. I needed a drink.

If I was going to do this it couldn’t just be words, it had to be works. I decided to start where I was most uncomfortable. I went to Solas. 

***

“Do you drink Solas?” Jewel asked him. He was taken aback. He knew she was wary of him, so he responded simply.

“Of course.”

“Good, come with me.” Jewel led him to the tavern, but about halfway there stopped. “Andraste’s flaming knickers!”

Solas let out what could only be called a guffaw. He had never heard quite a colorful curse out of someone who not only was a noble, but also a young woman. He contained his mirth and calmly asked, “What is wrong?”

“I was going to buy you a drink and talk, and I realized I don’t have any money.” She seemed quite sheepish, “I lost everything at the Temple.”

“Ah,” was his reply. “I could offer a few recommendations, if you wish?”

“I think I’m up for anything at this point. Please, if you would.” She seemed to recover her noble bearing the longer they talked.

“First, you could ask for a tab. I imagine as the herald of Andraste, they would be satisfied with that arrangement. Second, you could ask me to buy this round in exchange for promising a round returned in the future. Or third, we could talk here without any sort of liquid libation needed.” Solas felt like the old man he was, not the wise one he wanted to be. In truth he wouldn’t mind sharing a drink with her. She seemed to need it, and he would like to know this woman who carried the mark of his magic. After allowing enough time for Jewel to process he said, “If I may, I would be happy to buy you a drink.”

Jewel looked relieved that he had made the decision for her and nodded. “I would like that.”

They sat down and Solas asked for a bottle of wine. “So, what’s on your mind?” She then explained what happened in the War room and that so many people let their fear of what they didn’t know get the better of them. 

“I realized that Andraste would want me to use the mark She gave me to help all of Thedas, everyone, not just the ones that are accepted by society. Just because I have no knowledge of magic, and in fact fear it, doesn’t mean that I can discount all mages for what a few of them do or did.” Solas schooled his features. Even if the words were wise, the reasoning behind them was disheartening. But when he took out the bit about Andraste giving her the mark, Jewel was quite right. In fact it was something Fen’Harel could learn himself. He had no sooner taken a breath to speak when Jewel blurted out, “Mages killed my parents.” As if in slow motion he turned to her. Her eyes were the spring violet of lilacs, lighter toward the pupil and a dark almost purple at the outer iris. There was no way he could heal the hurt that he saw there, but she had been through so much thanks to him, that the least he could do was try.

“You may tell me, if you wish.” He drank some wine as she thought about it. 

“No, I don’t think so. Thank you, maybe someday. Can you teach me about magic? Not the theory or spells or anything like that, but about a mages connection to it? I . . . I know it is a gift and some see it as a curse, but why. Why do some have control over it like you and others . . .”

“Don’t?” He finished for her. She could only nod. Solas explained about the fade and the veil, about demons and spirits, Jewel listened. She asked questions to clarify when needed. Solas could tell she was fighting the fear of what he was saying. In truth she was terrified. 

“Thank you Solas. I must think on what you’ve said.” She got up to leave, but before she did, “Would you accompany Cassandra, Varric, and I to the Hinterlands tomorrow?”

“Of course.” She nodded and left.

Solas thought about what they discussed while mulling over the last of his wine. He had to admire her courage to listen to a thing that so obviously frightened her. He was appreciative that she invited him to join her rather than demanded it. Jewel Trevelyan was an enigma, without him this wouldn’t have happened, but without her, there would be no chance of fixing it. She wanted to believe that Andraste gave her this mark, but even though Solas knew that wasn’t true, he didn’t know how she came to bear it either. Perhaps there were more answers to be found in the fade.

***

I had a lot to think about. Magic wasn’t as black and white as the Chantry made it seem. However, I only had a take from a mage outside of the circle. What I need is to ask more questions from other mages.

“There you are.” A deep voice interrupted my reverie. I looked up to see Varric trailing me and stopped. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“I doubt that, I was in the tavern with Solas.”

“That was my next stop. Wait, with Solas? What did Chuckles want?” The disbelief was all over his face, I couldn’t help but grin.

“Actually, it was what I wanted.”

“Oh, and what was that?”

“If I am to save all of Andrastes children, I need to embrace them all.” I sighed, and Varric laughed. “Not like that Varric.”

“I heard about what happened in the council.”

“How did you hear?” I was indignant. No one who was there would have told him. Was my judge of character that off, did I already need to revisit and revise?

“Mineave told me. She, uh, can hear it when people scream and shout in there. She was pretty impressed. So tell me, you were going to anyway.”

He was right, I would have. Maybe not so soon, but I would have. I told him the basics, and that he would be leaving in the morning. I was so tired. I would rest for a bit before preparing for the Hinterlands. I made my way back to the cottage. I told Milly about my day while I sat there and she brushed my hair.

***

After Jewel had left them all stunned, Cullen started laughing. The others just stared at him for a while, then slowly they started to join him. “Thank the Maker,” he said. Cullen was relieved. They had needed that. 

“It is easy to lose one’s objective when there seems to be nothing but trial after trial.” Leliana paused for a moment before continuing. “It is good to have a focus. We need her.”

“With some refinement, the courts will love her.” Josephine added.

Still smiling from the earlier bought of laughter, a rarity for her, Cassandra said, “Jewel, is a gem.” She was grinning. Cullen can’t remember a time he saw the seeker grin. He processed what she said and started laughing again. They were so relieved by her fierce passion and fresh spirit that they found themselves laughing until tears streamed down more than one face.

After composing themselves Josephine excused herself to write the required missives. And Cullen left to thank the Herald. He found her in the bar talking with Solas. He didn’t wish to intrude and so left. He would talk to her later. Cullen went to the training yard feeling better than he had in months.

After a few hours he went back to the chantry for a scroll. He heard the herald praying, but didn’t see her anywhere, he still wanted to express his gratitude for the way she handled herself during council, so he looked a little longer. Then he saw her.  
No wonder he didn’t recognize her. Her thick black hair was loose and streaming down her back in soft gleaming waves. It pooled slightly on the floor where she was kneeling. Cullen knew he must have been standing there looking like an idiot for some time. 

“At last did the Maker, from the living world, make men. Immutable, as the substance of the earth. With souls made of dream and idea, hope and fear, endless possibilities. Then the Maker said: To you, my second born, I grant this gift:” She was reciting from the Canticle of Threnodies. Her voice was pious and melodious. He should leave her to her prayer, but decided to join her, on a whim, instead.

“In your heart shall burn an unquenchable flame, all consuming, and never satisfied. From the Fade I crafted you,” Cullen let his baritone ring out with Jewels softer voice. She looked up at him then, her hair softly waving around her face, framing her sculpted cheekbones, her grey violet eyes sparkled with unshed tears as they finished the rest of the verse together.

“and from the Fade you shall return each night in dreams, That you may always remember me.”

“You have a lovely voice Cullen, thank you for praying with me.” She looked right at him and he could barely breathe.

“You’re welcome.” Why was he here again? Right. “I actually came here to thank you.” Her eyes were puzzled. Did she honestly not know what she did for him, uh, them, the Inquisition? “For what you said in the council. You were right, and we were floundering without direction. We needed you to help us remember what we wanted to accomplish. Why we wanted to accomplish it. For the people!”

She licked her lips, a slight flick of her pink tongue over the plumpness of her lower lip. “I meant it.” He watched her try to find what she wanted to say. “I don’t want to be the cause that starts for the right reason, and then gets so caught up in what they are doing that they forget why they are doing it.”

She was amazing. Cullen found himself wondering what it would be like to truly get to know her as a person, not just as the Herald of Andraste. “Help keep us fighting for the right reason.”

“I will.” She smiled at him. One moment it was her beautiful smile, the next she was leaving the Chantry.

Cullen left as well and then had to go back later for the scroll he was after.


	6. Making Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hinterlands. We are really lucky that "Lady" Trevelyan knows how to fight. 
> 
> I love movies and books with flashbacks so I will probably keep having them. Or rather Jewel will.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like Cassandra as a character and I like to think that she would let her guard down with maybe a few people. Maybe the Herald of Andraste was the only one since the Divine that Cass could be herself with.

The Hinterlands would have been beautiful. There were lush green trees, rivers, mountains, and a small lake nearby. It would have been beautiful except for the stupid mages and their stupid war. Scout Harding was the name of the pretty dwarf who grew up in the area. She was distraught at the upheaval due to not only the mages, but the Templars as well. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, both groups, so focused on killing each other that they let innocent people get caught up in it. I couldn’t sit there and let that happen.

Cassandra, Varric, Solas and I went out to see if we could find Mother Giselle and help her with her charges. On our way we were caught up in a scuttle between the mages and Templars. Solas tried telling the mages we weren’t with the Templars to no avail, and Cassandra was telling the Templars that we weren’t mages. They didn’t care. I had avoided killing any of them in the hopes that we could reason with them. My fury at their carelessness made my vision turn red.

Focus . . . Aim . . . Loose

Over and over that was my mantra. Cass kept them off me, Solas protected Cass and Varric was right there with me, firing Bianca like the bad ass he is. Our soldiers where amazing, very little training, very little information to go on other than I needed them to be there. I took a moment to thank the Maker for the good men and women who were there beside us, and to ask Andraste to help me not fail them.

We were able to clear out a good area for the refugees to set up. Then I went to find Mother Giselle. She is an amazing woman. I think I could have talked to her for many hours. Her views were practical even as she disagreed with the Chantry. She had some ideas for us in Val Royeaux so left the Hinterlands for Haven. I was so grateful for her help but, I knew I was taking the succor away from this group of refugees.

“We aren’t leaving until they are safe.” I told Cassandra. “We still need to meet with the horse master anyway, so let’s make our way over there first.”

“I agree.” She said

We found our Lieutenant stationed there to find out what was needed. These people were cold and hungry. They had no healer and no hope. There was no way the Inquisition would let this stand. There was no way I would let this stand. Andraste wouldn’t let me.

The nights we camped I shared a tent with Cassandra. She told me about her family and her brother. She is an amazing woman. She was older than me by a number of years, but we didn’t seem to mind. We became friends over the next few days. 

The first rift we came across wasn’t a surprise, but I honestly didn’t know what would happen. I didn’t feel the same as when I closed the others. Solas assured me it work the same way, so I tried it.

I held my left palm up to the rift, demon corpses were steaming into the fade beside me and I concentrated. Solas often said magic is a matter of intent. Please close I thought.

Fire . . . fire and lightening ran through my body. I forgot what it felt like. I had expected some pain but I didn’t know how much. I didn’t know it would feel like the first time every time. Maybe it will be less each time I use it. I made a mental note to ask Solas when I wasn’t at risk of passing out.

We set up camp early that night and I talked with Cassandra.

“I have never asked you about the Conclave because I know you don’t remember, but I was wondering. Why were you there?” She asked.

“My brother was training to join the Templar order. But when the fighting began he refused to take the rites. He wanted to serve the Chantry, the faithful. He didn’t want to kill mages, though we both had reason to hate them. Calvin was a good man. My betrothed was his best friend. My family is respected in the Chantry and one of the Mothers from Ostwick could have been a candidate for the next Divine. She asked Marric, my oldest brother, to send a group with her to help with the peace talks, to help keep the mages from taking over Thedas. So we went.” It had been a while since I thought about Calvin and Dominic. About Milly, my maid and Jason her husband, the honor guard that was with us, they were all there at the Temple. Milly and I were so excited to be where Andraste’s final resting place was. We walked where the Hero of Fereldan did. “I remember kneeling where her ashes once lay. I read Brother Genitivi’s writings and he described it in great detail. Maybe that is why she chose me.” I looked over at Cass and she was stunned. 

“We never knew, we didn’t even think to ask. Of course you weren’t there by yourself! Oh, Jewel, had I known. . . had I known!” Cassandra was beside herself.

“Shh, you couldn’t have known. I didn’t tell anyone.”

“But we should have asked.” We held each other then and she cried for me. Here was this tough as nails woman, who I respected more than any other woman save my mother, crying on my behalf. I felt like she gave me permission to cry. So I did. I cried and fell asleep thinking of my family.

 

** I knew I needed to tell Dominic how I felt, that I didn’t want to join the Chantry. I wanted to be with him. I was a woman now and nothing would stand in my way. When Dominic came to get me that morning for practice I would tell him. I wasn’t going to wear my hunting leathers, I needed to look like the woman I was. I had soaked in a bath of milk and rose water, my maid had my hair done up in a complicated mass of braids. Milly knew what I was doing today even though I told no one else. I needed Dominics help to convince Marric not to send me away. 

When he came into my room, I turned around to face him. My dress showed how much I had filled out, and didn’t leave much to the imagination. I felt a little exposed but Milly assured me this would be the way to approach him. 

“What are you wearing?” He asked. He seemed amused, which made me mad.

“A dress.” 

“I can see that. Isn’t that an odd thing to wear for shooting?”

“I thought we could do something else today.” My nerves made my voice sound a little husky. I could tell by the look in his eyes that Dominic finally understood. He walked toward me and kissed me. I’d been kissed before but not like that. He teased my mouth open and plunged his tongue into it. It was as if he wanted to explore my whole mouth. Then he pulled back.

“Is that what you wanted?” He gently ran the back of his fingers over my cheek.

“I love you.” I didn’t mean to just blurt it out like that, but now that it was out I was glad I couldn’t take it back. “I don’t want to go to the Chantry, I want you to help me convince Marric that I’m not ready.” I didn’t expect him to be so shocked. 

“I’ll be back in twenty minutes, be ready to shoot by then or we will wait until tomorrow.”

I was so disappointed. But what did I expect, for him to admit a secret and undying love for me too? I had given him a lot to think of. That is all. I didn’t want to miss my time with him so I changed. **

 

My eyes were puffy when I woke up, Varric proved that he had a few gentlemanly traits and didn’t comment. Although I expect the real reason was either he overheard us last night, or Cass told. I expected her to. She was sharing her own shame, not my story. I was sure that once we were back at Haven the others would know too. I don’t know why, but the thought of Cullen looking at me with pity in his eyes made me sad. 

We marched to the crossroads with a wagon full of meat and supplies. I was so grateful to help them. It helped give me perspective. I am not the only one to loose family, or loved ones. I had good shoes and food in my belly. After delivering the much needed supplies, I found myself kneeling at the feet of one of Andraste’s many statues. I wish I could remember what she looked like. Perhaps she didn’t want me to. There was no one alive today who knew what she looked like beyond the different artist’s depictions of her in the statues all over Thedas.

When I looked up there were many souls praying with me. From the Sisters to the common, we were all on our knees giving thanks for one more day, one more day that we can survive. One more day for us to truly live. 

The inquisition needed to build watchtowers. Even though we cleaned out the Mages main base and the Templars camp, there were still threats. There were bandits and bears aplenty to draw concern and Dennit was right. The farmers and refugees needed to feel safe or there wouldn’t be any fields planted or workers to tend them. So we went back to Haven. 

Since we were traveling back on our own the four of us shared one tent. Let’s just say we learned a lot about each other. Well except Solas. He was very polite, he laughed when it was expected, somber when it suited him, and pretty much kept to himself. I could see a hurt in him. He didn’t want to become close to us. I knew from our talks that he traveled alone and made friends with spirits. I didn’t know what that was like, but I imagined it to be lonely for him.

Varric on the other hand, wanted to know and write everything. He was always taking notes when he though you wouldn’t notice. He truly loved and lived life. The only regret he had was the only story he couldn’t tell, and I was positive it had to do with a woman named Bianca.

I felt relieved when we walked into Haven. I wanted a bath and I wanted to see my friends. I told Milly what had transpired between Cass and me. She cried for me. 

“Don’t cry for me. You have been such a comfort. I know that Andraste sent you to me so I could still have my Milly brush my hair. I don’t know if I can handle it if you cry for me. I know it is selfish, but please, don’t cry. Please.” I begged her, I needed someone to be a rock, and I needed it to be her. Considering how we first met I know I was asking a lot, maybe too much. But she just nodded and continued to brush my hair.

***

Cullen didn’t see Jewel until the day after she returned. They were to have a council and for the first time, he was looking forward to it. He knew that thanks to Jewel they would get so much good accomplished.

He saw her before that, however, and he followed her to the tavern without even realizing it. 

“Are you following me Commander?” She asked

“Well, yes.” Idiot, he thought. “I mean, I had a question for you.”

“Yes?”

“Was everything successful in the Hiterlands?” He knew that she would give a full debriefing later but for the life of him he couldn’t think of anything else to ask. Her shoulders sagged slightly.

“Care for a drink?”

“Of course.” He said maybe a little too enthusiastically. Jewel didn’t seem to notice though as they walked into Flissa’s. “What’s on your mind?”

Jewel went on to tell him how both the mages and the Templars were killing everyone and anyone who got in their way. It was so disheartening. She believed in the Templars, but they were so misguided right now. What were they going to do? How were we ever going to restore what was? How could she prevent all the death? She killed so many people. She had no choice at the time, but she wasn’t a soldier, she didn’t take this on willingly. She had never killed anything other than animals or demons until she went to the Hinterlands. 

“It should have been Calvin!” She said.

“Who is Calvin?” Cullen asked, only slightly aware of the tiny twinge of jelousy. Jewel gave a small smile.

“Ask Cassandra, I’d rather not talk about him.” Whoever he was, Cullen would do anything to take that sad look off of her face. 

“How can I help? Do you want to train with the soldiers?”

“No, they wouldn’t treat me like another soldier. Thank you though.”

“Jewel,” it was the first time he said her name, “Next time your faith in life is waning, come and speak to me. If you ever need to talk, please come talk to me. I have been through my fair share of shit.” She smiled then, bigger, and then she laughed.

“Why Commander, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you swear before.”

“Yes, well, I, uh . . .”

“I understand. Thank you.”

Cullen reached up and laid his hand on her face so very gently, not even much of a caress. “Of course.”

They left then, and Jewel went toward her Cottage, and Cullen toward his tent. He turned and watched her. She stopped to stand in the light and lifted her face toward the sun letting it warm her. The look on her face was free. Whatever he had said wrong, he knew he said something right for her to look like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I listen to a lot of music while I write and this was the song that inspired the end of this chapter and the Title. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mNG8mksf1Q


	7. The White City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the way to Val Royeaux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first Chapter with smut. It is not super explicit, but expect that in the future. You are so warned!!

While Cullen had some of his men build watchtowers in the Hinterlands, Cassandra was going to take me to Val Royeaux. It’s not like I hadn’t been there before. My mother took me shopping there when I was 14. But I was afraid. What would I find in the white city? 

“If you are sure this is where we need to go, and what I need to do, then . . .” I let out a deep breath and looked at Cass, “Shall we go?” I looked at Commander Cullen, willing him with my eyes to understand. It wasn’t just that I was afraid for myself, though I was. After all in Val Royeaux they not only thought I was a heretic, they thought I killed the divine. I was afraid that the people there would let their fear overcome the knowledge that I was there to help. That all we wanted was to close the breach and then restore peace. 

We were preparing to leave the next morning, and I found the Commander in his tent. Though the tent flap was wide open he was only in a light shirt and his trousers. He had either just bathed, or had splashed water on his face and hair. It was slowly dripping off of his blonde curls, now dark with moisture, onto his chest. He was reading something in front of him and didn’t notice as I stared. He wore his heavy plate usually and I had not realized how much it hid. He had very broad shoulders and you could see the muscles in his neck trail below the collar of his shirt. His arms were firm and hard from years of wielding a sword and shield. I was pretty sure they were as big as my thighs. His forearms were peppered with light hair and just as muscled. As he turned away from me, my gazed raked over his ass. It was firm and tight, and I decided he needed to not wear his cloak more often. 

I must have made a sound because he turned toward me then. I gave in to the urge to ask him about his vows to the chantry and whether or not his had given up the pleasure of others. It gave me a satisfying pleasure to put him on the spot for some reason. But eventually I let off.

“I will bring back good news.” I told him mostly because I desperately wanted it to be true. 

“Be careful.” He told me. And then we were off.

Cass and I shared a tent as always and one night after too much Fereldan ale we started tittering away in the most girly and undignified fashion. She told me that she liked Varric’s chest hair a lot more than she should and I told her that I saw Cullen half dressed. Well, half-dressed compared to the plate mail he usually wears. 

“I was much bolder than I normally would have been.” I confided in her. “I asked him if he had taken vows of chastity.” We laughed uproariously. 

“He might as well have.” Cass said. “I have never seen him look at a woman longer than it takes to give an order or receive a report until you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, more than a little confused.

“Tell me you’re joking. You really don’t notice him looking at you?”

“He looks at me as much as he looks at you or even Leliana. There is nothing unusual about that. We work together.” Cassandra just stared at me.

“Are you a virgin?” As soon as she asked, she got red. Then we laughed some more and passed the water skein full of ale back and forth.

“No, I’m not a virgin. I was with Dominic once.”

“Oh, Jewel, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to bring him up.” 

“No, it’s okay. I have actually never told anyone before.” So I told her.

 

** We seemed to ignore my outburst from the other day. Dominic did help convince Marric that I was not suited for the Chantry. He had help from Calvin of course. Calvin told Marric that he still wanted to go, but that he would rather wait for a time if that was okay. Marric would be a very good Lord. He was fair, understanding, and just. 

Today we were just shooting. Or we were until I landed funny and twisted my knee before we had really got started. Dominic carried me to Calvins room so he could help us and to prevent Marric from finding out I hurt myself. He indulged me in my hobbies, but he would be less likely to do so if he knew I was hurt. It wasn’t the first time I had been hurt while shooting. That’s how we knew that we should just keep it between the three of us. 

I loved the feeling of being in Dominic’s arms. I snuggled up to his chest and smiled. When we got to Calvins room, we had already opened the door before we realized he wasn’t alone. 

Joseph, Calvins manservant, was with him in bed. The look of pleasure on his face was unmistakable. I couldn’t help but stare, unable to do anything about it being encased in Dominic’s arms. I turned further into his arms while he just watched. It wasn’t long of course, when Calvin realized we were there. “Dom, I . . .” Calin left off and Dominic started playing with my hair.

“She hurt her knee. I’ll take her to her room and wrap it.” That was all he said as he left quietly.

We should have called for Milly to assist, she wouldn’t have said anything. But we didn’t. Dominic laid me on the bed and went into the closet for bandages to bind my knee with. When he came back he stared at me. It seemed like forever, like he was seeing me for the first time. He walked slowly to the bed and put the bundle down. 

He gently ran his fingers over my face, ending at my lips. His breathing got heavy and his eyes turned dark. He leaned down closed his eyes, and kissed me. It was a sweet kiss, soft. It left me wanting more. Then Dominic undid the ties to my breeches. My breath hitched. Oh Maker, was I ready for this? He pulled them down slowly. I let out a little gasp of pain when he pulled them over my swollen knee. He pulled me to the edge of bed so he could gain access to the offending joint. I could tell Dominic was trying to be gentle while making the wrap as tight as it needed to be, but it still hurt. Then he reached higher.

He ran his hands up my legs. They were the callused hands of a fighter, and the texture of them slowly moving up my thighs gave me goosebumps. I shivered and he looked up at me. After one long look of consent, he flipped me over. At first my knee screamed in protest, but then the feel of Dominic’s hands back on my body quelled any hint of pain. He ran his hands over my ass and I felt the bed give under his weight. He pressed his chest into my back and spread my legs. 

His fingers were skimming the inside of my thighs delectably driving me crazy. He put one finger inside of me. It felt amazing. I had never felt anything like it. I groaned my pleasure.

“Shhh,” He whispered, “We don’t want anyone coming to check on us, do we?” I just shook my head. And then he entered me and I screamed into the pillow. It was a mix of pleasure and pain. But then became more pleasure and I again had difficulties keeping quiet. I kept my face planted in the mattress so no one would hear me. Then I could feel a difference in his pace, faster, more erratic. Then he let out what seemed a triumphant growl, it was over, and I looked up to see the look of furious rage on Calvins face. **

“What did Calvin do?” Asked Cassandra.

“They beat each other up of course. It wasn’t long after that when Dominic and I were betrothed, though he wouldn’t do much more than kiss me after that.”

“So how long were you betrothed?”

“That was when I was 18, so two years.” I didn’t realize it had been so long. However, I did realize that I missed my brother a lot more than Dominic. What a horrible thing to realize.

“I can't believe Dominic didn't even bring you to your pleasure. Did Calvin forgive Dominic?” Cassandra asked this oddly, like she worried about the answer. I didn't think to much about the what she said first, I was too busy thinking about what she had asked.

“Yeah, but looking back I am pretty sure Dominic wouldn’t have asked for my hand if Calvin wasn’t pressing him.” That was also a horrible thing to realize. I burst out crying. 

“What is it?” Cassandra reached over and held me.

“He didn’t love me! I loved him and he didn’t love me. Why not? Am I not worth loving?” Stupid Fereldan Ale, I was sobbing.

“Makers balls, he probably loved you the only way he knew how.” Out of nowhere Varrics voice rang out. Cassandra and I got very quiet all of a sudden. How much did he hear? I looked over at Cass and she was beat red, probably wondering if he heard that part too.

“We were much quieter in the beginning.” I whispered, the relief was obvious on her face.

“What do you mean Varric, I asked?”

“Don’t tell her, it will make it worse.” Cassandra said. 

“Now you have to tell me or I will never leave you two alone.”

“Then I will tell her you ass. Stop listening.” Cass threatened him with the tone of her voice.

“Fine, but can you do it quietly, some of us are trying to sleep.”

“Well, some of us were asleep until you started shouting Varric.” This proclaimed from ever proper Solas. “But yes Cassandra, you should tell her. She will more than likely take it better from you.”

“What am I missing?” I didn’t want to seem clueless or naïve, but I guess I was still very unexperienced in matters of the heart.

“When Varric said that he loved you the only way he knew how, he was right.” Cassandra started, “I am sure he loved your brother more.” 

I looked at her expecting more, but she seemed to be finished. When I thought about what she said.

“ANDRASTES FUCKING MABARI!!” When I got what she was trying to tell me, I realized she was right. Dominic and Calvin were lovers. “That bastard slept with me to get back at Calvin.”

I didn’t know whether to cry or fume. I got up and ran out of the tent. The blood was pounding in my ears. I was such an idiot, he used me. I loved him and he used me. And now my friends knew about it.

I made up my decision. I Fumed . . . I Raged. I was used. I was soiled goods. No wonder Marric and Calvin had to force Dominic to marry me. No wonder he didn’t want to touch me. No wonder we had such a long betrothal. He used the fact that I was besotted with him. He used my love for him knowing I would let him touch me. I should have known then by the way Calvin talked to Dominic when we barged in. How many times had they been together after he was with me? 

I didn’t bring my bow. I didn’t want my bow. The bow was part of Dominic. I had my dagger. I went hunting. I couldn’t have my revenge on Dominic or Calvin. 

Tears were streaming down my face as I slaughtered the ram with barely more than my bare hands. I didn’t have the patience to skin it then, I just moved on to another . . . and another. Pretty soon I was covered in the blood of animals. I looked down and felt regret. What a waste. What a senseless tirade that accomplished absolutely nothing. I slowly went around and strung up the animals so that I could clean them properly. There were three rams and a wild druffalo. It took almost the rest of the night. I was disgusting. I went to a nearby stream to wash off the worst of it when I heard Cullens voice in my head that I needed a bath. It managed to put a smile on my face.

***

Cassandra felt awful about what happened. “Why couldn’t you have kept your mouth shut Varric? She didn’t need to know.”

“It’s better this way Seeker. She’ll be able to move on faster.”

After thinking about it Cassandra realized he was probably right. How could Jewel not have realized what happened? I guess she was just 18, and then she didn’t want to see, and then he died. 

“You know Seeker, we could help her.” Varric said

“Help her with what?”

“Help her move on to something else . . . or someone else.”

***

Solas let Varric and Cassandra scheme to their hearts content. He thought to go make sure Lady Trevelyan was safe. He had no desire to stop her or interrupt her, he would just observe and make sure she was not harmed. 

He watched her as she moved through the woods. He watched her stalk and kill her prey. He watched her as she allowed her mindless rage to control her. He watched her regain control and take care of the animals she had killed. Solas grew another amount of respect for the “Herald of Andraste” as he watched her work through what had happened. She was strong, and she showed again how kind she was by the way she treated the animals who so conveniently took the brunt of her rage. So he continued to watch her. He still wanted to make sure she was safe, and he was curious about the woman who bore his mark of magic. So he watched her string up her kills. He watched her go to a nearby stream to wash up, and then heard her laugh. It was full of relief. It was quiet. It was musical. He watched her as she pulled off her gloves, her boots, and her coat. He watched her remove the kerchief around her neck, bend over to wet it and wipe them all off, and then he watched her as she began to undress. 

Solas turned away. He did not want to invade her privacy. Fen’Harel, on the other hand, wanted to know if his mark changed her in any way. So he watched.

He watched her remove her shirt and pin it under a rock in the stream. He watched her unfasten her trousers and roll them down to eventually end up with her shirt. She was only in her drawers and breast band. The Solas in him wanted to look away but Fen’Harel wouldn’t let him. As Jewel released her breast band, both parts of him were in agreement. She had amazing breasts. The breast band did much to hold her down so that she could fight. He felt like a voyeur, but could not look away.

The moonlight caressing her skin made it alight. She was pale and almost glowing except where her rosy nipples peaked in the chill and where the dark thatch of hair met at the junction of her thighs. She waded into the stream and immersed herself in it. Her hands started moving over her body to clean it. She scooped up water by the handfuls and poured it over her lovely full breasts. Then she pulled the pins from her hair and it fell in wet waves down her naked back.

Solas gasped. It had been a long time since he desired a woman, let alone a human. He needed to leave. 

She was safe.

 

***

 

When we arrived in Val Royeaux it was chaos that welcomed us. While we were there a Templar knocked out a Chantry Sister while the Lord Seeker’s attitude reeled Cassandra, a message arrived attached to an arrow, and I got an invitation to meet Enchanter Vivienne. 

Oh, and the head mage of the rebels invited us to see her. I really didn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of mages who thought they didn’t need any oversight.

I followed the clues left by the friends of Red Jenney and met an elf. Her name was Sera, and I didn’t know whether to think she was funny and refreshing or annoying and irritating. I let her join the inquisition partially to keep an eye on her partially because we did need as much help as we could get. 

I arrived at Lady Vivienne’s party to find out that she was a mage who wanted the circles to be restored, and so wanted to help me do it. I thought she was haughty and dangerous. She made me afraid, not that I would let her know it, and because of that I let her join us as well. I would talk to Solas about her. 

When we got back to Haven, Cullen, Leliana and Josephine were waiting for us in the Chantry. But no sooner did we start than one of Leliana’s agents interrupt us. 

“He wants her, he wants to fight her, and if she doesn’t come, he’ll kill them.”


	8. That Night He Dreamed of Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel rescues the soldiers from the Avvar and needs to apologize to Cullen. Oh, and Cullen is in trouble.
> 
> Mild (very mild) Smut. You have been warned.

I swear I had just calmed down and here I was pissed off again.

“Makers Flaming Balls!” I was so mad. I wanted to hit someone.

“Calm down, Herald.” Cullen said. I am sure that he was calling me Herald to remind me to watch what I was saying. But what he really did was give me a target.

“How could you let this happen Commander? How could you let the Avvar steal away your own men?” I knew it wasn’t his fault. But I needed to take this out on someone. I was shaking with rage. “It is your responsibility to train and prepare our men. It is your responsibility to prepare them, to prevent this . . . shit . . . from happening. It is your job . . . It’s my fault. Oh maker, it’s all my fault.”

 

***

 

Cullen didn’t know what to do when Jewel started yelling at him. At first he was furious. He did train the men, he did prepare them for these types of situations. Just as he was about to yell back at her, Jewel started falling apart. She didn’t blame him, she blamed herself. He gave into impulse and gathered her in his arms. As the rest of the council members left him with the sobbing woman, she lay into his shoulder and let it all out. Maker she smelled good. After talking with Cassandra, Cullen knew that she was not only grieving for the men taken from the Avvar, but also her brother and her betrothed that were lost at the Conclave. (Of course he asked Cassandra about Calvin. Jewel had told him to.)

Cullen was desperately trying to think of something noble and uplifting to say to her when she just stopped. She stopped heaving, she stopped crying, and she just stood very still . . . with her head nestled into his shoulder. She slowly looked up at him. She chewed on her lower lip momentarily before she quickly backed away.

“I am sorry Commander.” She said, “For blaming you and for my lack of discretion. I will be leaving shortly for the Fallow Mire. If you will excuse me.” With that she turned crisply away on her heel. Cullen felt the loss of her weight in his arms keenly.

 

***

 

There were more rifts on the way to the Fallow Mire. I thought I might pass out from the pain every time I closed one. When I asked Solas about it, he admitted he didn’t know if the pain would ever go away. But that I needed to remember that the mark was part of me just as my heart or my eyes, and that if I could accept and remember that, it may become easier. I Felt like I was really was making strides toward trusting Solas, he had proven time and again how valuable his magic was. So I would try my hardest to follow his guidance when it came to the mark.

While in the Fallow Mire, I met an Avvar who worshiped the sky. He seemed impressed with the fact that I could repair the tears in her skin. And better yet, he knew that my people were still alive. I didn’t even realize what a weight I was holding until the moment it was lifted. I had time, I wasn’t too late. I could save them. Andraste help me, I would save them.

The bastard was at least 7 feet tall and wore a ram’s skin, horns and all. He was covered in what looked like the fecal matter of a nug. Ugh, it smelled like it too. He was taunting me, with his huge maul, calling me names, challenging Andraste Herself. Like I would care, in fact, it made me smile. I felt the smile on my lips and knew it would look evil and wicked. Cass, Varric, and Solas concentrated on the people around him and while he charged me, I took aim. Slow and sure, he was rushing toward me, almost to me. One swing and he would have me. I kept smiling.

My arrow was sure and true right through his head, between the horns of his head dress. His body skidded to a stop not one foot in front of me. I looked up and finished off the archer that was aiming for Solas. Then I rushed around looking for my people.  
There was a locked room, I had to go back to the body and search for the keys. The look of admiration on their faces when they realized that it was me here for them and not some bloody jailer was somewhat frightening. I didn’t need then to revere me anymore and I didn’t want to let them down again. Not when they were taken only as a way to get to me. 

“Are you all right? Is anyone hurt?” I needed to know.

“Nothing food, water, and rest can’t take care of.” It was a relief to hear. 

“Maker keep them safe as they travel home. Andraste care for them as you would care for me.” It was only a rushed whisper, meant more for myself than anyone else. But the intake of breath and the sound of awe I heard made me realize I had to be more careful of who I prayed around.

As I left, the Avvar who followed the Lady of the Sky was waiting for me. He was relieved I killed “the brat” as he called him and I had an inspired thought.

“I mean to mend the holes in the sky, She is the Goddess you follow. Will you join me?” I hope I sounded both pious and regal. He agreed. He would go to Haven.

With my men now safe, my mind turned to other matters. Actually I was thinking of Cullen. He was a good man. I grew red thinking that he held me not five seconds after I laid into him. I was very ungenerous. He was nothing but kind to me, supportive, and sexy as hell. I needed to do something for him to make up for my behavior and let him know that I appreciate him. So that night, I asked Cassandra.

“How long have you known the Commander?” I asked her.

“About three years. It wasn’t long after the Kirkwall rebellion that I made my way over there to question Varric. I was trying to find the Champion to help us with the Inquisition. After Varric spun a very fascinating tale, don’t ever tell him I said so, but he can really make a story seem like it is happening right before your eyes. Anyway he didn’t know where to find her, so I moved on to plan B. I had heard of Cullens part in the rebellion, and he sounded like a good man. So Leliana observed him for a time, and then I approached him to command our forces. After his time in Kirkwall, he realized his calling and purpose was now different than the Templar order.” She paused, “I’m sorry, I was rambling. Was there something you wanted to know?”

I didn’t really know how to put it and Cass was my friend, so I was blunt. “I need to make up for the torment I put him through and I need to do something nice for him.”

Cassandras smile looked like the cat that ate the Canary. “What, pray tell, did you put him through?”

“You know, I started yelling at him like the soldiers being kidnapped was his fault and then I broke down and kind of threw myself into his arms to cry. You were there.” I knew I was blushing at this point.

Cass chuckled a little. “I was there, and I am pretty sure the Commander liked having you in his arms.” My flush only got worse. 

“What makes you think that?” I wanted to know.

“I saw him close his eyes and then smell your hair.” If I was drinking I am sure I would have spit it out over the entire tent.

“I’m sure you’re mistaken. I must seem a little girl to him.”

“Hmm, 29, 30, but it doesn’t matter. I know what I saw. Why do you think Josephine and I left?” 

“I am sure you are exaggerating. But what I wanted to know is if you knew his favorite meal or something like that.”

“No, I am not that close to him. Perhaps Leliana can weasel it out of him if you would like.”

“That’s okay. Maybe I’ll just make him a fruit pie with cream or something.” I really wanted to let him know I appreciated him.

“I am sure that would be nice of you.” Then she muttered, “and I am sure what he would want to do with that cream.”

“Leave it alone Cass, I am still reeling over Dominic okay.” I was, not that I didn’t notice how masculine Cullen was, or how the scar on his lips tightened up when he smiled. I mean he was a very attractive man, but like I said, I am sure he thinks of me as a child.  
I still was thinking about Dominic. I did love him, and he did take my maidenhead. I was supposed to be pure for marriage but I was going to marry him so it didn’t matter. Now I was spoiled. But Andraste chose me. Surely such things didn’t matter to her if she chose me. If they didn’t matter to the Makers bride, then it sure couldn’t matter to anyone else, including whatever man I might marry, or lay with next.

 

***

 

Flissa’s kitchen was the only way to cook if I wanted anything other than open fire cooking. I couldn’t tell if she was nervous of me, or just overprotective of her kitchen. Yes, I maybe put a little more care into these fruit pies than normal, yes I made clotted cream instead of regular, but I really wanted to make sure Cullen understood how sorry I was. It was really hard to keep secret who the pies were for. I made lots so I told Flissa that it was for the soldiers who were captured because of me. She left me alone then. 

It was, of course it was for the soldiers. I mean they were due to arrive in a couple of days. They had to rest up a bit. I know fruit pies are just as good a few days later anyway. I just wanted to bring one to the Commander as an apology and for him to test out. I had to be sure they were good after all.

I brought a couple of the warm fruit pies with clotted cream and tea to the Comanders tent. He was at his desk reading over some reports. I couldn’t help but watch him. I could tell he was tired by the way he kept rubbing his neck. I wondered if he had a headache, I wondered if I could help him by rubbing his shoulders. No, he would get the wrong idea. Even if he didn’t, Cassandra most definitely would. He was busy, I really shouldn’t intrude, maybe I should just leave.

 

***

 

Cullen smelt warm fruit and pastry. What was that? He turned around to see Jewel with a plate of warm fruit pies with clotted cream. He couldn’t remember the last time he had anything even resembling a fruit pie.

“What’s this?” He asked.

“Now that the soldiers are safely on their way back to Haven, I thought I should formally apologize for ever insinuating that you were in any way to blame for their capture in the first place, especially since it was really my fault and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, and I am sorry that you were left with a sobbing woman, and I really wanted to find some way to make it up to you, but I didn’t know what your favorite meal was, so I figured everyone likes desert and you would like some fresh fruit pies.” It came out in a rush and Cullen didn’t really understand half of it.

“I’m sorry, what?” 

“Oh,” she sighed, “I wanted to apologize,” Her lilting voice was calmed and clear now. “I meant no disrespect when I insinuated that you weren’t training our troops properly. I was very upset with myself but turned my frustration on you, which was unfair. I am also truly apologetic that you had to deal with a weeping noblewoman so soon afterward.” Jewel sounded like a diplomat. Cullen chuckled.

“You sound like Josephine. I liked the first round better.” Cullen admitted to her.

Jewel grinned, “I guess it had character, didn’t it? Anyway, here, I made these for you.”

“You made them?” Cullen was surprised. “Since when does a noble woman cook by herself?”

Jewel handed him the plate and looked around for a place to sit. Since Cullen was in the only chair she sat on the bed. Cullen knew he was in trouble when the images that ran through his mind of her on his bed were much more involved and detailed. He imagined her long black hair spread out over the coverlet and the pillow. He imagined her breasts free to the air, pure temptation for his mouth. He had thoughts of what would happen if he joined her on his bed. She had so much riding on her, he would help ease the burden and give her release. His thoughts were so far gone he almost missed what her response was.

“My mother loved to cook and she taught me how.” She told him, “I love to do it whenever I can.”  
It truly looked delicious so Cullen took a bite. It was almost heaven. The juice from the fruit was sweet and sticky, and the pastry was light, flakey, and crisp. He honestly had never had better and he told her so. In fact he couldn’t remember the last time he had any sort of sweet or confection. 

“Thank you, though it was hardly necessary.” As he spoke he ended up with some cream on his lip so he licked it away. Jewel smiled at him. “What?” He asked.

“You have cream . . . here.” As she said it Jewel leaned over and with a long delicate finger, wiped the remaining cream off of his face and then put her finger with the cream on it in her mouth and sucked it off. He hardened immediately, stood up and said.

“Thank you so much it is delicious.” He knew he sounded ungrateful, but he needed her to leave.

“Oh, my pleasure.” And she left.

That night he dreamed of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is nothing better than a sweet charming guy whose lustful thoughts make him a little bit awkward. :)


	9. Sweet Cream and Dragon Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen thinks of Jewel and Jewel finds a dragon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut and gore, just so you know :)

There was sweet cream and Jewel. That was really what he remembered.

He didn’t normally sleep naked, not a lot of privacy in a tent after all, but tonight was different. Jewel was at the foot of Cullen’s bed sitting by his ankles and staring up at him. Her eyes were a very dark purple and they stared at him with the kind of heat that every man knows a woman has in her repertoire. She ran her soft hands up his thighs, driving him crazy with anticipation. She gently scratched her nails down his chest leaving pink trails to remind him of their shared pleasure. She dipped her fingers in the bowl of cream and let it slowly drip onto his hard and throbbing manhood. Following the cream was her mouth. It was hot and wet and with it she followed the trail of cream. Her tongue ran up and down the underside of his cock leaving it wet and slick. Jewel then let her tongue delve in between the soft and hard parts of him, flicking it against his tip. Her teeth gently nuzzled the parts she exposed as she grasped his long, thick shaft and pulled down. Jewel then sucked him gently, slowly. Her natural aggression didn’t take long to ascertain itself and she hollowed her cheeks moving harder and faster. Her eyes met his and . . . 

He woke to the sound of the bell.

Blessed Maker. Cullen was lusting after, and apparently dreaming about, Andraste’s Herald.

***

I had to go back to the Hinterlands. The watchtowers were up and I needed to get the rest of the horses. Leliana also wanted me to check up on a warden that was there named Blackwall. So off we were again. I decided to leave Varric at Haven and take Sera. I thought I could learn from her. She was amazing with a bow. 

The first night we set up camp I thought she would be comfortable sharing a tent with Solas, they were both elves after all, but Sera was having none of it.

“Eeww, he’s so elfy. Can’t I just bunk with you and Cassandra?” She asked me

“I don’t know Cass, would she fit?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted Cass to say yes or no.

“If Solas is willing to have all of the armor and large weapons in his tent, we could probably manage. After all she is quite small.”

“Is that okay with you Solas?” I knew he wouldn’t mind, but it was only polite.

“Of course.” He inclined his head as a way of nodding.

“Alright, girl party!!”Sera exclaimed. Well I guess we’re having a girl party.

That night I realized something, Sera was most definitely annoying and a little irritating. I was pretty sure I liked her but I didn’t know if I could continue to sleep in the same tent as her. The next night I wouldn’t have to make that decision.  
We had already talked to Blackwall. He seemed a decent man, but he was quiet. He made his way toward Haven while the rest of us decided to check out the “not Bandits.” We killed the ones out in the open trying to drive people away. Sera proved to be very good with her bow. She was a natural talent, she told me so. 

I had to work at it. 

I did learn some things from her. She was very free when she shot. I had a lot more . . . well . . . focus. We set up camp and looked through the letters these guys had. We made plans to check out this fortress they mentioned tomorrow. To pass the time I started picking Elfroot. I ended up finding some royal elfroot right around a bend from the camp and I couldn’t let it go to waste. Then I heard a loud screech/roar. I took a few steps out to see if I could spot anything. A dragon was flying overhead. Oh, Maker. 

A dragon, a high dragon. 

I remember thinking she was beautiful, the kind of dangerous beauty that Mother Nature used to bring in prey all the time. I couldn’t stop staring out at her. I only took a few more steps out, I wanted a better look. I knew I was in trouble when she turned around. She saw me. In that moment time went askew. It seemed I had all the time in the world. All the time to stare at her in awe, all the time to turn around and run away, I had all the time I needed to get to safety. But that was an illusion. I turned, I ran, she let out a ball of fire and I was able to dodge right. Barely, I knew the next time I wouldn’t be so lucky. I was so close to the bend where she wouldn’t be able to follow me. 

But not close enough.

I threw myself to the left and her next ball of fire sizzled too close to me. It grazed me in the right shoulder. I screamed, but I kept running. It hurt almost as bad as the mark did before I was able to stabilize the breach. Putting it into perspective help me get to the camp. How did we not know we camped so close to a dragon? It felt like the fire was spreading. It was probably only in my head. I yelled for Solas. 

***

Solas heard Jewel call for him, it was urgent. He rushed out of his tent only to see her fall to the ground exposing the burns all over her right side. 

“Dragon.” She gasped. “Right around the corner. We are safe here, sheltered by the rock. But we will have to deal with her eventually. It won’t be safe here until we do. Solas, help me?” She contorted her face in pain and then passed out. Burns hurt viciously. 

Solas had Cassandra and a few of the inquisition soldiers carry her to his tent. Cassandra helped him cut away the clothing from the right side of her body. The right shoulder was the worst, but her upper arm wasn’t much better. The dragons liquid fire seemed to have drizzled down her waist, hip, buttocks and outer thigh. At least she was hit from the back so that she can lie comfortably on her stomach.

First Solas added some herbs to a healing potion to keep her sleeping, this would hurt.

“Cassandra, I will need lyrium, fresh elfroot, clean cloth, and boiled water that has cooled. Never mind about the elfroot. It seems there is Royal Elfroot in Jewels pockets.”

“At least we know why she went down there. Is there anything else you need?” Cassandra waited for him to shake his head no, then went to leave to do as he required. She paused though, for a moment, “Is she going to be okay?” He could hear the fear in her voice.

“Yes,” Solas paused, and realized that he did not want to be alone with Jewel while she was in this state of undress, “ask the soldiers to carry out my directives and I will explain what must be done.” Cassandra left to do what he asked and Solas very gently lay his hand on her back, as close to the burn as he could get without actually touching it.

He did two things, he willed his frost magic to cool down her skin to ease the worst of the pain and he probed with the part of his magic that he had designated to healing a long time ago. Solas needed to ascertain the amount of damage. He could tell just by looking that it was more than just the skin, but he hoped that it wasn’t more than his magic could heal. Solas wanted her to be able to continue to fight. Solas moved his hands slowly down Jewels soft skin, he tried to focus on his magic and not the feel of soft silk beneath the callus of his own hands. 

“Mmmmm,” Jewel was stirring. The elixir he gave her would not be entirely in her system yet to keep her sleeping, and as the pain was cooling, Jewel was coming around. “Thank you Solas. That feels so good, so much better.” 

Solas couldn’t stop the stirring within himself at her reaction to his touch. “Sleep Lethallan, this will feel worse before it feels better.” He was surprised at the words that came out of his mouth. He hadn’t called anyone kin in a very long time.

Cassandra came in then. “I have a Lyrium potion, clean cloth and the water is cooling now.”

“Bring it in,” he said, “I will cool it.”

Cassandra did as she was told. “Tell me!” she demanded.

“Dragon fire can spread if you aren’t careful, I have stopped it and eased some of the pain, but we must clean it before I can do more. We must remove the dead skin to allow the new to grow back. We must ensure that there is nothing foreign imbedded anywhere including charred clothing or dirt. Then I will start healing the deeper parts of the injury. The muscles in her shoulder are the worst. I will start there, and then drink the lyrium and move on to her arm. Then I will use the elfroot to lie over her burns. After that she and I will both need to rest, and I can continue tomorrow.” 

Cassandra nodded, “What do you need me to do?”

It was a gruesome thing to cut away the charred and scorched flesh of a person. If there wasn’t fresh blood that meant you didn’t cut enough off. It was even worse having to do it to this woman he considered to be a friend. At least his lustful half was allowing him to concentrate on the healing of her curvaceous body. It must be done. He was grateful that the sleeping drought had taken effect, for what he and Cassandra had to do next would almost be worse. 

They scrubbed the dirt and blood off of her. The wounds went deeper than Solas had first thought. Cassandra audibly gasped. “Do not worry Seeker, it may take more time than I thought, but she will be able to mend. However, to ensure that she will have full use of her limb, I will need a second potion, if you would be so kind.”

Cassandra took the blood soaked cloths and the burnt skin they cut off of her friend and left. She returned a moment later with a second potion.

Solas drank the contents of the first and started. He pushed his magic into Jewel, under her skin, deeper, to where the worst part of her injury lay. He willed her muscles to be knit together. He imagined her flesh whole once more and unaltered.  
Jewel gasped and started thrashing. “Hold her down Cassandra, hold her with everything you have, she must be still and I cannot stop.” Once again Cassandra did what was necessary, she yelled out for Sera to hold her ankles while she almost lay across her upper body literally pinning her down. 

The muscles in Jewels shoulder were now whole, but still exposed to the air for want of the skin that was still missing. “You may release her.” Solas was exhausted already but knew he must also repair the muscle in her arm. 

I will need black lotus, to ensure that she doesn’t thrash about again. This time it was Sera who went to run the errand.

“Thank you Solas,” it was barely more than a whisper from Cassandras mouth, “for letting me help. I don’t know if I could stand to be outside while one of my only friends was fighting for her life in here. Other than holding her down, I know that you could do this all without me.”

“That is not so. I am now beyond exhaustion and unable to do more until I drink the second potion of lyrium. Even then, I may be able to do nothing but pass out afterward. So your help is invaluable.” Solas had to think carefully of what he would say next. “She is a good friend to many of us. Indeed one of the only ones I had not met in the Fade.”

“There is a quality about her that allows one to be oneself without fear of rejection. She is kind, a quality most people do not value enough I think.” Cassandra added. “She will make a fine leader, when the rest of us get to naming her inquisitor.”

“I didn’t know you had intended to do so.” Solas commented.

“I wasn’t sure myself until today, I think Leliana and Josephine knew right away.”

“And Cullen?” Solas asked

Cassandra gave a slight snort. “He already believes she can do no wrong, I am sure he will be delighted.” 

Sera came back in just then, “No black lotus. They have deep mushroom though.”

“No, with what I gave her earlier that could be dangerous.” He sighed deeply, “You two will have to hold her again.” They nodded. “I will let you know when I am ready.” With that Solas drank the second lyrium potion, “Hold her.”

The arm was not as bad and didn’t take as long. She did thrash but not as much. When the muscles in her arm were nicely knitted together, he double checked for any other muscle damage. No, the rest was all in her skin. That could wait until tomorrow. He gave her another healing potion to do its work while she slept.

“I will sleep with her tonight to make sure nothing goes amiss.” Solas said as he laid the crushed Royal elfroot along Jewels skin.

“Very well,” Cassandra paused, “and thank you. Not only for helping Jewel, but for helping the inquisition. I was very ungracious to you in the beginning. I want you to know I value your assistance.”

Solas didn’t know what to say, “Of course.”

 

The next morning Solas awoke to Jewels left arm thrown over his chest, her head nestled in the crook of his arm, and her left leg had escaped from the blanket he draped over her lower body and was on top of both of his. He didn’t want to breathe for fear of waking her. She was warm, her body put out a lot of energy as she slept. If he wasn’t concerned for fever he wouldn’t even move as much as he did to send a small pulse of magic through her to double check. No fever, she was just very warm. He would never get the opportunity again so he looked at her very closely. Her eyelashes were thick and dark, her eyebrows arched gently and were as black as her hair. She had a slight spattering of freckles across her nose that you would miss unless you were this close to her. Jewel started stirring and Solas untangled their limbs.

“Solas?” Jewel asked.

“Yes, I am here.”

“I hurt everywhere, and I’m cold.” He thought that explained why they woke up the way they did.

“I cannot put anything over your burns, but I will see if there is a shirt we can cut portions out of so that you may wear it without it touching your injury.”

“Can you help me sit up?” She asked and started to move.

“I cannot.” He said quickly. She was naked under that blanket after all. “I will get Cassandra to assist you.”

“Why can’t you just do it?”

“You are not dressed Herald.” He hoped to put some formality between them but with her next words any pretense shattered.

“Ah, an excellent point, thank you.” Solas moved to leave but she stopped him. “What does Lethallan mean?”

“Formally it means kin, in this situation it is closer to friend.” He answered. Solas didn’t even realize she was lucid when he called her that.

“I like it, thank you. And Solas, thank you for taking care of me.”

“Of course.” 

 

***

 

No injury hurt like a burn, in fact if I didn’t have the mark to compare it to I would say this was the worst pain of my life. As it was Solas had managed to ease most of the pain temporarily enough so that Cassandra could help me use a chamber pot and put a modified shirt on. Cassandra had to lash it down tightly so it wouldn’t accidentally brush over the open skin. 

“I don’t know what we would have done without Solas,” Cass mentioned. “His healing magic may be even more impressive than his fighting spells.” She told me what happened last night, as she assisted me back to the tent, and that if it weren’t for Solas, I wouldn’t be able to use a bow ever again. 

I knew it wasn’t over. I knew there was more as Cass almost drug me to the tent because I hurt too much to move on my own.

“Would you like to be drugged or awake for this? I would recommend you let me give you the deep mushroom elixir. This will be very painful.” Normally I would listen to advice from Solas, but I kind of felt like he was issuing me a challenge.

“I can handle it awake.” I said, all bravado. 

“Very well, drink this healing potion. It will help start the process.” As I drank it, I realized he drugged me anyway. I was kind of glad he did, because as he started literally growing my skin back, I knew I wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

I woke up to Solas sleeping beside me again. I am sure this much healing was totally draining him. He was attractive for an older man. He was probably old enough to be my father but sleep softened him. I wondered if he was in the fade.

I sat up and tried moving my arm. It hurt, but not like it did before. As I stretched it around in different directions, it was tight, it hurt, but I could do it. It looked like I was going to have some pretty awesome scars though. 

“Ah, you finally awaken.” Solas observed out loud. “I am glad that you have.”

“Why,” I wondered, “how long have I been sleeping?”

“Three days.” He sat up as well.

“Three days?!” I was incredulous. “Why was I out for so long?”

“Well, your body essentially had to grow about two pounds of skin. It took a lot more energy than I originally assessed, from both of us.”

“Oh, Solas. I must sound ungrateful. Thank you so much.” I gave him a hug, but I don’t think he knew what to make of it because he didn’t move or anything. I was probably making him uncomfortable so I backed off.

We left for Haven shortly afterward against the advice of Solas. The “not bandits” would have to wait. I needed to recuperate, I wanted a real bed to do it in, and I needed to strengthen up my arm again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Tearing Down the Heavens by zombolouge, Solas falls in love with Lady Trevelyan. I love the drama that plays out because of it, so I am shamelessly borrowing her idea. Thank you for all of your inspiration Zombolouge.
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/3456728/chapters/7584662


	10. Exactly what we need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A huge decision to make whether to go to the Templars or the Mages.

Cullen had heard about Jewels encounter with the dragon. He couldn’t focus on his reports, he couldn’t focus on the training of his soldiers, she was due back today and all he could do was stand near his soldiers, looking like he was doing something when in actuality he admitted to himself that he was waiting for Jewel. 

The moment he saw her, seemingly hale, riding up on that weird creature she favored from the bog, was the moment he was able to admit that what he felt for her was more than friendship, but better than lust. Maker help him he wasn’t in love with her . . . yet . . . but if he weren’t careful he would be. Soon. Now he needed to figure out what to do about it.

 

***

 

I thought I was well enough to join our little group for council despite Solas telling me to go rest. Little did Cassandra know but I almost had to strap myself onto the Bog Unicorn. If she weren’t so smooth and aware of me, I am sure I would have fallen off. It was time though. I needed to take care of the breach. The close encounter with the dragon made me aware that I needed to do this before I died. No one else could do it but me. Then assuming I survived that, I needed to close as many rifts as I could before my inevitable end. There was going to be another mistake. Nothing mattered now but making sure I didn’t leave anything more to chance. We needed to discuss the mages and Templars.

“We need enough power pushed into the mark to increase its ability to close the breach.” Cassandra said.

“I have said this before, I disagree. Having that many mages here with a tear in the veil is just asking for trouble. The Templars could suppress the breach so that more power isn’t needed.” Cullen has said this before, and I agreed with him then.

“We have an invitation for the Herald to meet with this Magister in Redcliff. I think we need to act on it.” Josephine told us, pragmatic as always.

“Besides we can’t leave a force like a Tevinter Magister this close to us who obviously means the herald harm. We must be rid of this threat, it won’t just go away.” This was from Leliana.

I couldn’t decide what exactly to tell them. They kept arguing, things I’ve heard before. They are supposed to be working together. I was exhausted, Solas told me I was dehydrated that I needed to sleep. I was still healing, my body hurt all over and now my head hurt, the room started spinning, I couldn’t . . . I collapsed to the ground. 

I blinked my eyes to clear my vision. Cullen was there. 

“Lady Trevelyan, are you alright?” He asked.

“Yes.” I tried to sit up and I was spinning. “No," I changed my mind, "I need to rest. Help me to sit please.”

Cullen helped me sit up slowly. I was okay. I really should have listened to Solas and skipped this meeting for a few days. I took a couple of deep breaths to stabilize myself before I started.

“All of your concerns are moot.” I stated.

“What do you mean?” Cassandra asked.

“I cannot seek out the mages for help.” Part of me was relieved. Mages still did terrify me after all. 

“And why not?” Leliana was indignant, almost outraged. I knew she had friends who were mages. I didn’t mean to offend her.

“I think it would kill me to add more power to the mark.” It was barely more than a whisper. I felt slightly ashamed. It was a little selfish, but if the Templars could suppress the breach so the power I had was enough. Then I wasn’t failing my duty.

“What do you mean?” Cullen asked me, his voice was full of concern and I resigned myself to tell them.

“Every time I use the mark it feels like my nerves are on fire and my blood is boiling. The sensation dissipates after I close a rift but doesn’t go away for almost a day afterward. Solas thinks it will get better with use, but if I close more than one rift in a day it is almost as painful as it was before I dealt with the breach the first time. You know, when it was killing me.” I paused then, waiting for any sort of reaction. Their faces were astonished, but no one spoke. “The Breach is so much bigger and higher than any of the rifts that I have closed thus far, so that is why I am pretty sure if we ‘power the mark up’ so to speak . . . it will kill me.”

Everyone spoke at once.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” From Cass.

“That is unacceptable. We go to the Templars.” From Cullen

“You should have said something sooner.” Josephine felt awful.

“How did I not know about this?” I think Leliana was more concerned that I was able to keep this hidden from her and her spies.

“I’m tired. I need help to get to my bed. When I am healed and recovered. I will go to the Templars.”

Cullen came to my side and helped me stand and hobble out of the room. I leaned into him a lot more than I wanted too.

“How hurt are you?” He asked.

“Well,” breathe, “the dragon burned off most of the skin from my right side,” breathe, “and destroyed the muscles of my shoulder and upper arm.” Breathe.

“Holy Maker, I didn’t think it could have possibly been that bad. You came riding in on your own steam on top of that disturbing mount of yours. Why are you here already? Didn’t you need to rest longer before coming back? You’ve only been gone eight days and you must have been injured as soon as you arrived. Even with healing magic you need more than seven days to recover.” I leaned on him a little.

“Four.” I said.

“Four what?” He asked.

“Four days.”

“Four days for what?”

“Four days ago.”

“You were attacked by a dragon four days ago, it completely burned off half your skin, and some of your muscle . . . AND YOU’RE TRYING TO WALK?” Cullen stopped, picked me up, and proceeded to carry me to my little cottage. I think if he hadn’t I would have passed out again. He was so sweet, taking care of me like this. “You, madam, are the most senseless, most infuriating, most stubborn . . .” Hey, what happened to sweet.

“I didn’t want to lay in that stupid bedroll anymore.” 

 

***

 

Cullen was scared shitless. She almost died. What was she thinking? She didn’t want to lay in the bedroll, how thoughtless. How could Cassandra bring her back to Haven so soon, and then let her stand there while the four of them argued. 

“Fine, now you can recover in your bed. For as long as the doctors tell you to.” Then he muttered under his breath, “even if I have to tie you to that bed.”

“Give me a break, I was sleeping with Solas.” Jewel told him. That stopped Cullen short and he looked at her.

“You were sleeping with Solas?” He couldn’t help the mad jealousy that ran through him, even knowing there must be a perfectly logical explanation. Right, there must be a perfectly logical explanation. I mean she is injured, it’s not like anything could have happened after all.

“He was taking care of me while he healed me. Do you think I could even be here if he didn’t?”

That made sense. Cullen started walking toward Jewels cottage again. He really liked the feeling of her in his arms. Her body was curvy but firm from the amount of work she put toward her bow. Her legs were solid muscle from the acrobatics she was so fond of. And her hair . . . even now with what was going on, her hair smelled so good. 

“And Sombra isn’t disturbing.” She said petulantly.

“What?” Cullen was confused.

“You said Sombra was disturbing, she is not, she is beautiful and misunderstood.” Jewel was talking about that creepy bog unicorn that seemed to latch onto her on her way home from the hinterlands.

“You named that creature Sombra?” What an odd thing to do.

“It is Antivan for Shadow. And don’t call her creature. She has saved my life more than once.” I guess for that, Cullen could be a little more civil regarding the animal.

As they got to Jewels cottage, Cullen had something else to say.

“I am sorry that closing the rifts hurt you so. I would spare you the pain if I could.” He needed to let her know, that she was important. Cullen went inside and laid her as gently as possible in the bed. Milly promptly started taking over. “Are you going to be okay?”

“As long as I rest and drink these awful elixirs Solas keeps giving me, I am sure I will be fine.” Then Jewel grabbed his hand. “Thank you Cullen. For being exactly what I needed when I needed it.”

“Of course,” he said, “and I always will be.” With that she pressed her cheek to his hand, looked up at him with those gentle lilac eyes, and smiled. It was a soft smile, one that seemed to be meant only for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have one more fluff chapter after this that I think is going to be awesome, (sorry no smut) then I will get into some more plot.


	11. A Little Excersise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Jewels near brush with death, she needs to get her strength back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this chapter.

I felt better.

It was 5 days since I collapsed in the council. I had been resting a lot. When the lieutenant of the Bull’s Chargers invited the inquisition to meet their team a couple of days ago, I really wanted to go. I had seen Qunari before but not from up close. I had never talked to one of them and only ever heard wild stories. I started to get ready to go. Everyone was arguing with me and finally Cullen did have to threaten to tie me to the bed. I didn’t know why, but the thought made me shiver. Cullen was so sweet and charming, and Maker he was so handsome. Just thinking of him near me and a bed was too much. 

So Cassandra, Blackwall, Varric and Sara came back with Iron Bull, oh . . . I’m sorry . . . THE Iron Bull. He was impressive, and huge, and he made me laugh. He was fun to talk to, and had some interesting stories.

I needed to get out and shoot. I needed to get back into shape. I needed to go after the Templars and get them on my side before the Magister decided to be more aggressive with his missives. 

I got dressed in my tight but flexible leathers. Shooting didn’t come naturally to me. I had to focus on it to really build the skills I had, and any sort of loose clothing really hampered my ability. Not only did I need to shoot but I needed to recondition myself for my fighting style. I learned a lot just from reaction but knowing when and how to jump out of the way or to dodge a sword. That was easy. I could judge distance, I had impeccable balance. That was natural. I went to the training grounds. It was open and level and wasn’t what I needed at all. Then I heard Sombra whinny for me. I went to go scratch her nose and coo to her. She was my only girl, she was my baby, and she saved my life and my dignity coming back from Dragon Day as I was calling it. 

“Hello, Bull.” I greeted the huge man.

“Boss, how ya doing?” He was jovial and instantly brought a smile to my lips.

“I am going to stretch myself out a bit. I need to move or I’ll have problems later.” I told him.

“I agree. You need a partner?” He leered at me, jokingly so. He was cute.

“Not for what I have in mind.” I laughed. Who I really needed was Sera or Varric. They would know what I needed. As luck would have it Varric was talking with Cullen. 

“Varric!” I called out, “I need you.”

“Coming Grey!”

“Why call her grey?” Cullen asked.

“Her eyes, obviously.” Was Varrics response.

“Her eyes are violet.” Cullen said, confused.

“Only if you can bring out more emotion in her than me, evidently.” Varric laughed as he came over to me. “What do you need Grey . . . Hmmm, Cullens right. I’ll have to work on that.”

“I need to shoot.” I told him. “Start me out slow, and by the lake so there are no people in the way. Then we’ll get to the good stuff, maybe I’ll get on Sombra.” I scratched her chin as she whinnied obviously liking that idea.

“Yes,” Varric cried out in excitement, then he looked around, “I don’t think they are ready for this.”

“I don’t think I’m up to my usual today,” I giggled, “They’ll be less than impressed I’m sure.”

“I’ll set up markers for your warm up” Varric has helped me practice and exercise before while we traveled, so he knew what to expect.

I stretched my arms and rolled my shoulders, the right one still distressingly tight. As I drew my bow for the first time in almost ten days, I felt exhilarated. 

A few still shots. Breathe . . . focus . . . fly. Stretch . . . roll. Breathe . . . focus . . . fly. Stretch . . . roll. My targets got further and further away, I was splitting my arrows. Good, that was easy.

I nodded to Varric.

He pulled out Bianca, and let her bolts fly, away from me first. 1, 2, 3, I shot the first two, missed the third. He looked at me then, I smiled. I nodded at him then I ran.

I ran toward the lake. 1, 2, I took them both easily. Rolled forward, shot up and to the right for the third. He was toying with me, or he wasn’t sure what I was capable of after my injury yet. I leapt back, shot to the left to hit the fourth bolt, and landed on a large rock. I felt good, I held up my hand for a moment. I stretched again for a bit. I walked back over to Sombra, ran my hand down the blade that was permanently imbeded through her skull. For me it was an awe inspiring thing, but for others was a thing to fear. I filled my quiver, went back to the large rock, looked at Varric, smiled, and nodded.

***

Cullen watched as Varric dropped a sack of extra bolts, and took aim right at Jewel. What was going on? He thought. Cullen went to rush Varric but the Bull stopped him. 

“Watch.” He said, “this is gonna be good.”

Jewel sprinted forward as Varric shot three bolts in quick succession. 1, 2, she shot his bolts out of the air with her own arrows. She jumped backwards and got the third. She ran toward the left, climbed and then jumped off the large bolder there and spun in the air. As if in slow motion Varric shot at her again. 1, 2, she shot them right out of the air and dropped backward toward the ground, landed on her knee, rolled back just before 3, and 4 imbedded into the ground in front of her. Varric was shooting at her quickly now, but all Cullen could do was watch this beautiful woman who was Jewel. She rushed toward Varric as he fired off 4 more bolts. Jewel leaped into the air and straightened out, an arrow herself, and spun in the air gracefully dodging the bolts. To Cullen it seemed effortless. But as she landed in front of the paddock, she was breathing hard. Her chest was heaving with effort, and sweat was dripping down her neck, over her clavicle to be absorbed by her under armor. 

She looked up at Varric and smiled again. It was a very mischievous smile but before Cullen could think any more on it, Jewel was in the air again. She jumped up and back on to the railing of the corral and then back flipped onto the back of her mount. The bog unicorn, Sombra, was ready. As Varric let his next round off, Sombra leapt in the air almost as lithe as the woman riding her and landed outside her corral. Jewel and her mount seemed to be of one mind as they spun toward their “attacker.” Jewel continued her assault on the Bolts that Bianca put out, either shooting them out of the air or able to divert them to the ground with her own arrows. 

Thinking of arrows, Cullen couldn’t help but notice Jewel was almost out. As she reached back for another and not finding one, she laid down on Sombras back, wrapped her foot in the red mane and reached down to the ground to pull both arrows and bolts out of the ground. Together they circled back, not tired of the game yet and wanting more. As Jewel righted herself on Sombras back, they continued to deftly dodge the bolts coming almost nonstop from Bianca at Varrics will. Jewel slid four of his own bolts between the fingers of her right hand and hurled them at Varric like they were daggers. One skipped away but the other three imbedded themselves in the sack of bolts at Varrics feet.

As Varric paused to reload for a second, or was this the third, time Jewel got up and stood on this amazing creature’s back. How could Cullen have ever thought Sombra anything other than the amazing animal that she is. He was in awe as this unbelievable duo flew toward Varric, at an unbelievable speed, Jewel standing steady on Sombras back. She took aim and shot all five of the bolts that Varric was desperately trying to get past her, out of the air. Then Jewel leaned her left hand back, bow and all, used it to steady her weight as she flipped over it to straddle Sombra once more. 

Jewel must have given Varric some sort of signal, for he had stopped and was putting Bianca away at his back once more. Jewel and Sombra were prancing to get the rest of the adrenaline out of their systems. Jewel jumped off as Sombra lead herself back into her paddock for a well-deserved drink.

Cullen was startled out of his thoughts as all of the soldiers and everyone else at the grounds cheered.

“Told you this was gonna be good. Liked the show eh Cullen?” Winking at Cullen as Bull walked over to Jewel. Cullen didn’t think he did anything to give him away. 

“You have never seen her fight before, have you.” Varric asked him as he sauntered over.

“Only once, at the rift, when we first met. She was in so much pain then, and I was so tired after the days of fighting, I doubt I would have noticed if she had back flipped into a demon’s arms.”

“Oh, if she ended up in anyone’s arms, you would have noticed.” He retorted. Oh, apparently Cullen wasn’t as discrete as he thought. “Don’t worry Curly. I’m just really good at picking that kind of shit out. All though I am sure Ban Hassrath over there will figure it out quickly too.” Well, Cullen didn’t really have what he would consider friends and Varric was as close as anyone.

“Would you like to go for a drink later, Varric?” He asked. He didn’t know what to do about his growing infatuation for Jewel. Already as the crowd drew around her he had to tamper down the possessive streak growing inside him. 

“Sure, I am going to get my fair share of the glory around our illustrious Herald first. Give me an hour?” Cullen nodded, still staring at Jewel.

As Varric walked into the crowd, he got his own roar of approval and pats on the back. Jewel looked around then, looking for him, Cullen hoped. When her eyes met his, she smiled at him and started walking over.

“I am glad your over attentive nursing skills, didn’t leave me bed ridden forever.” She joked with him.

“That was most impressive Lady Trevelyan.” Cullen said, he didn’t really know what to say to her. “You were correct Sombra is magnificient.”

“Sombra? Is magnificent?” She raised an eyebrow at him.

“Well I recall you mentioning that I didn’t give her her due, so” He was stumbling over his words now, “I wanted you to know you were right.”

“She is amazing. I need to rub her down after her exertions, care to join me?” Cullen wondered briefly if maybe Jewel needed a rub down too. He felt himself hardening, and tried to change the direction of his thoughts.

“I would, she looks like she would be uncomfortable to ride. I would love to get to know her.” Cullen thought he would love to spend more time with Jewel.

“I’m sure she would like that.”

Jewel was still breathing heavily as they walked to Sombras paddock. She had strands of hair free of her usual bun, and while walking she decided to fix it. Her nimble fingers pulled the pins from her hair to let it run free down her back. She held the pins in her mouth as she ran those fingers through her long and inky black hair. Cullens fingers itched to take their place. As she started gathering it up, he wanted to ask her to leave it down, but he knew that wasn’t a good idea. It would raise questions he wasn’t ready to answer.

 

***

 

I got my hair out of the way right when Cullen and I reached Sombra. She was so beautiful. I grabbed straw in both my hands and Cullen followed suit. As I rubbed her flanks down, Cullen started humming. Sombras ears twitched toward his voice and I don’t blame her. He had a beautiful baritone. I couldn’t make out the tune. It was very soothing. As the adrenaline left my body, I realized I ached everywhere. I may have over done it.

“You have a beautiful voice, Cullen.” I was too tired to stop myself from saying it.

“Oh . . . I . . . well,” He was flushed, I didn’t mean to embarrass him, “I mean she doesn’t know me and I meant to soothe her as well as let her know where I was.”

“What were you humming?” I asked him, aware of the ache in my body now.

“A lullaby my mother used to sing me.” He said. He was very handsome and his eyes reminded me of the expensive Honey Brandy my parents would have brought out for special guests. “I . . . um . . . don’t know the words.” As he started to stutter in embarrassment, I gently laid my fingers over his lips to quiet him. His eyes went dark and his lips parted slightly. Oh, I thought, I might want to kiss him. Then my shoulder had a spasm. 

I wrenched my hand back from his face as my shoulder screamed in pain.

“Are you all right?” He asked.

“I may have over done it with my shoulder today.”

“Ah, I can help with that.” He smiled at me and then slowly started to frown, “Or rather I can tell Milly how to help with that.” Then like a perfect gentleman he put his arm out. “Shall we?”

I giggled and took his arm. He was very strong and his forearm bulged as I took it.

 

***

 

Solas watched Cullen escort Jewel to her cabin and wondered if the magic of his mark made her more, or if she was always this remarkable. Her acrobatics were quite a show, though he had seen them before. Her ability to garner respect from everyone was amazing. She was a very gifted woman, and exactly what the world would need to clean up his mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have read through this many times and though it makes sense to me and I can picture everything clearly, I am sure that isn't the case for everyone else, and since my husband doesn't want to read my "word porn" as he calls it (Hey I haven't even got to the sex yet! *pout*) I would appreciate any advice on how to make this "fight" scene more realistic or visual.
> 
> Oh and this is what I was listening to
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B7zPiF149q8
> 
> skip ahead to 0:45 to get past the slightly boring beginning :) and considering how much longer it takes to write than read, try going to 4:14 – 5:31 for what was going through my head during Jewels exercise.
> 
> P.S. I really need help picking out a nickname for Jewel from Varric. I am getting nothing. :D


	12. Templars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewels fight with Envy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a lot of emotion in this chapter. I am a very empathetic person, and I often thought during this fight, how she must feel. Jewel believes most firmly that Andraste chose her, and it helps her get through this moment.

Cullen met Varric for what he imagined would be the drink of a lifetime. He really didn’t know what to say or how to start, but what he did know was that he wanted this conversation to be with a friend not with an author.

“First, I don’t have any real friends Varric.”

“Is that what you wanted to tell me Curly? I knew that already. Remember, it’s the serious expression on your face.”

“Just stop and listen. I am trying to tell you that I want you to fill that role.” Cullen could tell that he had stunned Varric. It wasn’t what Varric thought would happen he was sure. “I just need a friend and you are the closest thing I have to it, and I don’t want this conversation to end up in your next book about the Herald of Andraste.” Varric smiled at that.

“No guarantees Curly, but to be perfectly honest, I would have already considered you a friend after the shit we went through in Kirkwall together.”

“Thank you.” Cullen then proceeded to tell Varric what he was going through with his lustful thoughts and the direction he thought he was going. The more he drank the easier it was to get it all out, the more he got out, the better, he felt.

“Wait, you’ve seen her with her hair down?” Varric asked.

“Yes,” Cullen replied with a grin, “twice.”

“Even I haven’t seen her hair down. It’s really past her waist?”

“It’s beautiful, and it smells so good.” Cullen said while nodding, a stupid grin on his face.

“You want my advice?” Varric asked him.

“Maker, yes. I have no idea how to stop this.” No sooner than Cullen had it out of his mouth than Varric was laughing. Loudly, tears started. “It’s not that funny Varric.”

“It is, not that you want my advice, but that you think you can just stop it. Oh, Curly. You are falling in love with the Herald of fucking Andraste and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”

“What am I supposed to do then?” Cullen laid his forehead on the table in front of him and rubbed his neck.

“I think you need to wait until this mess with the Breach is over. Once the Templars are here, Jewel will be able to close the breach then we will celebrate. During the celebration you need to go to her, talk to her. She isn’t a worldly woman so you will have to make it obvious.”

“What do you mean by isn’t a worldly woman?” Cullen asked puzzled and took a swig.

“Well she’s practically a virgin.” As Varric said that, the drink promptly and quickly sprayed from Cullens mouth.

“She’s talked to you about this?”

“No, to Cassandra, they are really close and they share a tent every night. Well when Jewel isn’t sleeping with Solas that is.” Cullen felt his face glower, “Only when she’d injured, Curly, don’t get your knickers in a twist now. Anyway, they think they are talking quietly, but Solas and I can hear everything.” Varric then explained about Jewels only brush with love.

“Oh,” Cullen didn’t know what to say to that, “I never thought about what her being nobility might mean. I guess I should be surprised that she has any experience at all.” Cullen didn’t say it, but he sure as hell thought that at least he had a chance of being with her. He groaned and laid his forehead back on the table. He shouldn’t be thinking that.

“And you need to tell her about the lyrium.” Varric was right. She needed to know regardless of his personal feelings for her.  
Cullen left then. He had a lot to think about. He still didn’t know that he should declare his feelings for Jewel, but he needed to do something, and after the Breach was taken care of would be a perfect time.

 

***

 

I felt so much better after putting snow and then heat on my shoulder. Cullen was a warrior and had overdone training many times himself and those under him. It was a common thing and he told me to continue to use my shoulder even if it hurt. Otherwise it would never get better, although perhaps I shouldn’t be as rigorous as the other day.

I was on my way to Therinfal Redoubt with Cass, Solas, and my new favorite Iron Bull. We were just a day or so behind the Orlesian dignitaries that helped open the way for us. After doing my duty and schmoozing with the nobles, I talked with Barris. I remembered him from Val Royeaux. He was trying to stand up for the sister who was so unceremoniously punched in the head, he also was the most reserved about leaving, even saying something about Andraste possibly sending me after all. 

There was so much going on that no one knew. I could feel it. It was in the air. We needed to see the Lord Seeker. I didn’t so much care about what he thought. I just knew that I needed to show the Templars here that I could help. I wish there was a rift for me to close in front of them like I did with the cult. I needed the best of the Templars to help me by suppressing the breach and I didn’t care about the rest. 

Truth be told I was exhausted. Just getting here was too much. I would train with Bull and/or Cassandra on the way here. Solas was impressed with the fact that I didn’t lose any motility in my shoulder or arm. I was grateful. I wouldn’t be whole if it wasn’t for him. One of these days I would find a way to thank him.

Then it happened, the world went mad. Again. 

Some of the Templars had red lyrium growing out of their skin. I was glad Varric wasn’t here to see this. I think he would be pissed. The Red Templars started killing the normal ones. I was so sick of the waste of life, I was sick of this war. What the fuck was wrong with people. Who was this Elder One? If he was responsible for the Temple of Sacred Ashes and what happened to the divine, he would pay. I would make him pay.

I rushed through the red Templars. They were not going to succeed. We needed to find the Lord Seeker. His actions made so much more sense now that I knew he was crazy on Red Lyrium. He will pay, and then the Templars, or whoever is left will answer for their stupidity and come with me. We fought alongside Barris and whatever remaining Templars there were slowly joined us. Pretty soon we were a force. Bull was as good as his word and with him around I almost didn’t need to worry about getting hit. He took it on himself to be my personal body guard. At one point I shot through his horns to the beast he was fighting. That was the only thing I could call it. I am sure it was human once, but it had been fully corrupted by the lyrium. Barris took us to the armory so I could restock. I hadn’t had the time to gather my arrows as I went. Then I saw him. 

The Lord Seeker was just standing there, like he wasn’t afraid of us. The only thing stopping me from putting an arrow through his eye, was that I needed answers. I walked slowly up to him, and he spun around and grabbed me . . .  
What was this, where was I. For a moment I was disoriented. It was the Temple. I didn’t remember walking through it like this, but I knew where we were. I walked forward. Cullen and Josephine were there. Relief flooded through me immediately and then just as quickly went away. This was wrong. I was supposed to be fighting the Lord Seeker and getting answers. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was in the realm of a demon. 

I prayed. I prayed as I had never prayed before. It was tormenting me. Cullens death. Leliana killed him, no I killed him. 

“There is but one world, one life, one death, there is but one god, and he is our Maker.” Andraste guide me. “The one who repents, who has faith, unshaken by the darkness of the world. She shall know peace.” I watched as the demon showed me what it would do if it were me.

“This will never come to pass.” I believed it. 

I killed Mother Josephine, “No!” I stared down at her corpse and listened as she and my friends cursed me. They started to attack me. I had to defend myself.

“Stop, don’t make me do this.” I killed Cullen as he started to curse me, racing toward me to run his sword through me. “This isn’t real!” Tears started to stream down my face as Cassandra started raging that she never believed in me. She never liked me, how could she. I was weak. Andraste didn’t choose me. She knew from the very beginning that I was guilty and was just waiting for her chance. At last I had no other choice but to kill her too. Then Leliana was there, and Josephine. They were cursing me, trying to kill me for what I had done. These were my friends. I cared for them. This isn’t real, please Andraste help me, this isn’t real. 

“The light shall lead her safely through the paths of this world, and into the next.” Bull and his mercenaries along with the Qunari tried to slaughter me. He was no longer the joyful and teasing man I knew him to be. 

“For she who trusts in the Maker, fire is her water. As the moth sees light and goes toward flame, she should see fire and go towards light.” This demon shall have no sway over me. I will not play his game. Varric was shooting at me for real this time, not to be sidestepped and danced around, and then Sera had joined him, both shooting at me. Maker don’t make me kill them. But I did. 

“The veil holds no uncertainty for her, and she will know no fear of death, for the Maker shall be her beacon and her shield, her foundation and her sword.” With the last line I thought of Cullen. Maker no, not again.

I had to kill him again. He was my friend. I knew that, he was not this mindless man who was trying to kill me. That was the demon. “Oh Maker, hear my cry, guide me through the blackest nights.” It was Cullen again. I screamed. “Andraste, please, help me through this. I can’t kill him again. Please help me.”

And she did. 

Cole was a spirit, he wanted to help. He was drawn to me and ended up inside my head and didn’t know how. I did. Andraste answered my prayer. Cole guided me. Knowing he was there to help, knowing that I wasn’t alone, knowing that this wasn’t real, knowing that She heard me, I was stronger. Now I was angry. I would get out, I would find Envy, and I would kill him. 

 

***

 

I killed him. Envy was dead. Barris and the last of the Templars had helped me get to him. They were alive and they would help. I couldn’t help them rebuild the order, not now, maybe later, but right now I wanted the breach gone. I wanted it closed for good. They would meet us at Haven.

Cassandra set up our tent. It was still early, she was eating with the others outside, she seemed to sense I needed to be alone. I sat down and clasped my knees close to me and slowly rocked back and forth. Silent tears slid down my face. I didn’t want to think of it, or Envy. I wanted to forget.

“Not yet, it won’t help yet.” For some reason I wasn’t surprised to see Cole. I seemed to have collected my very own guardian spirit.

“Why not?” I asked, one more tear sliding down to join the others.

“You need to tell them, they all need to know.” I panicked a little when he said that. “No, not that. Fear, danger, what is coming, it is all tangled up together. You cannot forget one thing it is too sticky. They don’t need to know what consumes you. I want to help. How can I help?”

“Will you sit with me?” Just knowing that Andraste sent him to me helped.

“I can do that. I do not know Her this woman you think of.” He was speaking of Andraste.

“You don’t need to.”

With that he sat with me for a while as I rocked. How does one get over something like this?

“I will listen, I want to help. I can find what you need.” With that he left.

Moments later Cassandra came in. For an instant I was afraid I was back with Envy and she would attack me. She seemed to feel it too. She put her hands out to show that she wasn’t armed and she crouched down.

“What happened?” I just grabbed her and started sobbing again. This was stupid, this wasn’t me, I was stronger than this, I killed the demon that did this to me.

“I killed it, I killed the demon that did this to me. I killed it, It can’t get me again.” I rambled incoherently. “I killed it.”

 

***

 

Solas waited by the fire with The Iron Bull. They both knew that Jewel had gone through something traumatic and terrifying, but they didn’t know what. From what he understood, Envy had tried to take over Jewel. Not to possess her but to be her. Solas looked up as Cassandra came out.

“She is sleeping very fitfully. Solas, do you have a sleeping draught she can take.” Cassandra was worried about her friend. He reached into his pack and gave a small vial to her to take back to Jewel.

“It doesn’t take long for her to get under your skin does it?” The Iron Bull asked.

“No, it doesn’t. She is a remarkable woman and has been through much.” For a moment Fen’Harel felt so much regret at what he was putting this woman through. He had no choice, though that mantra was getting stale. Solas looked up as Cassandra came back out.

“She will sleep better now I think.”

“Did she say what happened?” the Bull asked.

“No, but I believe the demon tortured her. With what though, I don’t know. I don’t know for how long she had to endure it either. It was as if she was frozen in the time of her own mind. What was only a moment for us . . .” Cassandra shrugged.

“Could have been as long as years for her.” Solas finished.

“No,” Cassandra was abhorrent, “Please tell me it wasn’t years.”

“I don’t think it was. I think she wouldn’t be as well as she is if that were the case.”

“This is shit! Stupid fucking demons! It HAD to be demons. If I could have guarded her from this, I would have.” The Iron Bull yelled. 

“Solas, do you know how we can help her? Are there any answers in the fade?” the plea on Cassandras face was obvious.

“It would be a gross invasion of her privacy.” Solas sighed, it wasn’t like he didn’t have the same thought himself. “However, if she doesn’t improve in a few days, before we get back to Haven, I will see what I can do.”  
Fen’Harel didn’t have any intention of waiting, but Solas insisted he wouldn’t share what he learned unless absolutely necessary.

That night he went to find his friends in the fade. Solas needed to ask them questions. The answers he received, just may have broken his heart. 

 

***

 

I woke up better. I was still shaken, but my faith was rewarded. Andraste heard me. I felt almost elated. I knew without a doubt that I would be able to finish the task She set before me. Cassandra was still asleep so I quietly made my way out and whistled for Sombra. When she came up behind me, I leaped onto her back and we ran. I gave her her head and she raced into the sun rise. I raised my hands up, closed my eyes, and raised my face toward the light. I could feel her muscles move beneath my body. She was so fluid, so graceful. I loved her, and told her so. I knew she understood me. Whatever spirit deemed it necessary to walk with me by being in her. I was so grateful. For now, I was able to tuck my fear away and just ride.

“Good morning,” I called to Solas with a smile on my face as I rode back to camp. I could tell he was shocked.

“I assumed you would still be sleeping.” 

“I was a little stir crazy and Sombra needed a run. Didn’t you girl?” I cooed as I gave her an apple that I snagged earlier.

“You seem well?” I could tell Solas wanted to ask questions but he was too polite.

“You mean better than last night?”

“Yes, that is what I meant.”

“I came to a realization. Well two realizations actually. First, I have a job. I will not allow myself to break down until after it is complete. Andraste won’t let me fail Her until I am finished.” I looked up at Solas then, “Look Solas, I know you don’t believe in Andraste, or that she marked me, but I do. I need it. I need there to be sense in this, because otherwise, well, there isn’t. It would be absolute nonsense.” I sighed. I needed to explain something to him. “While Envy was in my head . . . you couldn’t imagine . . . it was . . . I had to . . .” I looked down to get ahold of myself before I fell apart, and I felt Solas wrap his arm around me and I leaned onto his shoulder. “I prayed, and Andraste sent me a spirit. He helped me. He saved me.”

“Oh, Lethallan.” That was all he said for a few moments. “And what was the second?”

“I killed him.” I looked up then, and into his eyes. I knew mine were blazing violet but hard as obsidian. “Envy tried to break me. He didn’t. He couldn’t. And then I killed him.” The fierceness in my voice may have surprised Solas. He just looked at me, deeply right into my eyes. I didn’t even want to flinch away. They all needed to know my resolve. “I will not allow myself to fail.” I sounded firm and sure, because that is what I was. I knew I would have to break down later, but for now, I would harden myself.

“You are astonishing, Lethallan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think of the person in life you love the most. Now imagine them flying at you with a dagger trying to kill you, now to protect yourself you have to kill them instead. You know it wasn't them but something that just looked like them. Glad it wasn't me!
> 
> I took inspiration from MaryDragon and her Of Fear and Lyrium. She has an amazing use of the chant of light after the inquisitors fight with Envy
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/3196010/chapters/6949916
> 
> I'm sorry I'm not as funny as she is.
> 
> Music I was listening to was here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DeXoACwOT1o I love you tube XD


	13. Smiling Like a school Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cole helps and Cullen admits his feelings for Jewel.

Cullen was angry with me. He felt that I had disbanded the Templar order. I think he took it a little personally. How dare he judge me? He wasn’t there, he didn’t see. He didn’t know what they allowed to happen. Before I could start yelling at him, at my friend that Envy had forced me to kill over and over, Cassandra stood up.

“You were not there! You could not imagine what the order let happen.” She was a force.

“It isn’t like they can’t rebuild later. Not unlike the mages, there are some reforms that need to happen in the order. You, of all people, should be able to appreciate that.” My voice was softer than I thought it would be. Of all of my friends I knew he would be the one who could help me. I know he had his own demons, just not what they were.

“We will let you know the moment the senior Templars arrive, Lady Trevelyan.” Josephine, as always was the epitome of grace and able to diffuse any situation, imagined or otherwise. Then Cole appeared.

Everyone panicked.

“Don’t hurt him.” I yelled.

“You do not know what he is.” Cassandra said as she drew her sword.

“He saved my life. He gave me the strength to escape Envy.” I told her as I lay my hand on her sword arm. She quickly looked at me, her face filled with compassion. She then looked over at Cole with the same look on her face.

“I want to help.” He stated simply, “I want to stay.”

“Of course Cole, thank you.”

 

***

 

Cullen was on edge, it was the Lyrium, or lack of it. He didn’t mean to snap at Jewel like that. Cassandra was right he wasn’t there. And what did she mean that this thing calling itself Cole saved her from Envy. Envy was a demon, a rare and powerful demon. He needed clarification. He needed to talk to her.

He had already worked through his head over and over what he would say to her. He would congratulate her for saving the Templars, then they would talk about the breach, he would explain how suppressing magic worked, and that would lead into him not taking Lyrium anymore and why. Then they would talk about the future and how he looked forward to being able to enjoy her company without the glaring hole in the sky. After that . . . Cullen had no idea. Turns out, it didn’t matter. 

All of his practice and planning was for not.

He knocked on the door to her cottage and Milly opened. He thought he saw that creature Cole with Jewel.

“I brought you someone to help.” It said. No wait. That must have been Cullens imagination, Jewel was alone.

“Care for a walk Lady Trevelyan?” Cullen asked her, and then she looked at him. Her eyes were wet with unshed tears. Her hair was in loose waves around her almost like a blanket. Three times, he smiled on the inside. “What is it?” He wanted to rush to her. But he very calmly walked over and sat on the bed next to her.

“Cullen,” she hesitated, “can you tell me about the circle in Fereldan? You said that many of the Templars were lost to demons. What did you mean?”

Of all the things he thought about talking to her about tonight, that was definitely the furthest off of the list. He hadn’t told anyone all of what happened to him during the days he was caged in the circle by the blood mages and abominations.

“If I do, will you tell me about Envy?” Cullen was pretty sure that this is what her inquiry was about.

“I think so,” Jewel paused and bit her lower lip, Oh Maker, “I think I need to, but . . .”

“You’re afraid?” Cullen finished for her.

“Yes, I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I need to be strong and I need help with that right now.”

“Jewel, you are so strong. More than you know. Just being willing to share this so soon after it happened, shows amazing strength. I waited for years before I shared even part of what happened. And no one else but you will know the entirety.”

Cullen told her about the circle, about the abominations and blood mages. Yes there were demons aplenty. How they taunted him with Desire, how his brothers and sisters around him either succumbed to temptation or died. And then he told her that the Hero of Fereldan saved his life and then at Cullens behest slaughtered most of the remaining Mages in the fear that they were possessed. 

Jewel didn’t look at Cullen with fear or loathing like he thought she would. It wasn’t pity either. There was understanding in her face. Then she told him. She told him everything that Envy said and did to her. How many times she was forced to kill not only him but countless others that were her friends. When she was done he did the only thing he could. He reached out to her.

Cullen held Jewel in his arms and laid his cheek on her hair. How did she always smell so good? He ran one of his hands up and down her back gently grasping her hair while the other one clung to her tightly to him. This was not the conversation he thought he would be having with her tonight, and he knew that there was no way to have a personal conversation with her now. So while he enjoyed having her in his arms, he let her go; mostly. Cullen gripped her shoulders and forced her to meet his gaze.

“It isn’t enough for me to say that it is over now. You will always wonder when it might happen again. But you cannot let your experience force you to loose trust in those who turned on you in those visions. Envy forced them on you. It wasn’t real. You are a fighter and a survivor. And if you ever need a reminder, I will always be there for you.” Cullen desperately hoped he got through to her.

Then Jewel smiled the smile she had only for him and kissed him. Okay it wasn’t really a kiss. Her lips brushed his cheek and now that he was walking back toward his tent as giddy as a school boy he knew it was too late. He was in love with Jewel Trevelyan, the Herald of Andraste.

“I knew you could help her. I wanted to help and I couldn’t. You could. You did. She needs you.” Cole scared the shit out of him and got his heart pounding. “I know you are cautious of me, you don’t have to like me. I might get it wrong, but I want to help.”

“Can you at least let me see you before you start talking?”

“Will that help?”

“Yes, Maker’s bride that would help.”

“She needs you. You make her better. You make her feel. ‘His hands in my hair, touching, good, let me stay like this, I feel better, he makes me better.’ You help.” Cullen liked Cole a whole lot more now. He grinned at the spirit/boy stupidly.

“Thank you for saving her.” Cullen said to him.

“I didn’t save her. She saved herself.” Cole seemed puzzled.

“Thank you for helping her to save herself then.” At that, Cole smiled and left.

 

***

 

The Templars were here. It was show time.

Solas went with Cassandra and Jewel to the breach.

“I’m afraid Solas,” she confided in him, “Will I survive this?”

“It will not be worse than the first time you attempted it that can be certain. It may be worse than a rift, but you are safe.” He told her. Solas didn’t think he could let her attempt it if he didn’t know she would be safe. He had every faith in the Templars to suppress it enough so that Jewel wouldn’t have to put out any more than she had to. She was so much stronger now than she was the last time he had brought her here. She was so much more. 

Solas stared at her as she walked ahead of him laughing with Cassandra. Here was this woman, frightened and unsure, ready to do whatever it took to fix his mistake. She was remarkable. She had been through so much. More than he could have ever imagined. Yet she was still making sure everyone else was okay. She was kind, she was gentle but fierce. She was beautiful. He enjoyed spending time with her, and often found himself seeking out her company for one reason or another. He wondered what would happen after this breach was sealed. He knew that Corypheus would reveal himself soon. He would want to kill Jewel for stopping his plans. Solas wouldn’t let that happen.

Solas prepared the Templars for their duty. Then he watched as Jewel was surrounded by what would have been eerie green light, but she looked beautiful, fierce. It was quite the sight. She lifted her palm with his mark on it to the breach. The impact of the breach being slammed closed forced them all to the ground. He panicked, was she okay? As he got up to check, Cassandra was already on her way to Jewel. 

She was okay. The heavens were scarred but calm. And she was okay.

 

***

 

I didn’t feel like I could join them. The soldiers were drinking and laughing and dancing stupidly. It was great. I watched them with a huge smile on my face. Seggrit, of all people, was dancing around merrily with Minaeve. I was so happy. They all deserved this, they all deserved to celebrate, but I really didn’t feel like I could join them. I wanted to, but I was pretty sure I would be a downer. I was tired and sore and I was ready to go to bed.

“You should be proud of yourself, Herald of Andraste.” Cassandra said as she came up to me.

“I am proud of us,” I replied, “all of us, we all made this happen.” We stood there for a moment, easy in our silence as we were easy when we spoke. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For believing in me, for supporting me, you are such an amazing friend and I am lucky to have you.” I laid my head on her shoulder and grinned. “Oh, and for helping Solas cut bits of my skin off.” She scoffed at that and playfully punched my shoulder.

“I do what I can.”

 

***

 

He was going to do it. As soon as Cassandra left Cullen was going to walk right up to Jewel and kiss her. The two women were talking like the good friends they are, but as soon as one of them left, he was going to do it. It was the perfect time. People were drinking and celebrating, and all because of her. She should be joyous, she needed to celebrate. Her arduous task was complete, and now they could figure out what to do with the mages, and rebuild the country. And he could kiss her.

Before Cullen could go to her a watch guard came running up to him, out of breath and panicked. There was a huge force with no banner approaching. Cullen immediately threw himself into action.

“Sound the alarm, and then join me at the gates.” He ran to the gate to seal it. He heard the alarm; he looked and saw Cassandra and Jewel running toward him. There was no time to regret, Jewel opened the gates once more after a pounding alerted them to a friendly outside. Cullen and Jewel talked to the mage Dorian. Jewel had mentioned meeting him in Redcliff. If he remembered correctly this was the mage who warned them of the Venatori. 

“Give me a plan Cullen, anything!” Jewel pleaded with him.

“We must control the battle. Our only hope is the trebuchets.” He was the Commander of the Inquisition forces. He would get them out of this. They would succeed. After all of this was over, he was definitely going to get that kiss.


	14. The Life of One for Many

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The battle of Haven and Fen'Harel makes an appearance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just so you know, I get really off cannon here. I think it's a cool thing but let me know what you think.

When the dragon destroyed the trebuchet, the shards of wood flew into the air. One the size of my arm pierced Varric in the side. 

“Don’t worry Varric we’ll get you out of here!” I promised him. Cullen was waving us all in.

“Get back to the Chantry, it’s the only place that might hold up to this beast.” He left then with his soldiers looking back at me. I think it was my own wishful thinking that put longing in his eyes.

I charge Solas with getting Varric back to the Chantry, Cass and I watched their backs. There were so many people in haven who were trapped. I don’t know if I was able to save them all, but we eventually got back to the Chantry.

“The Elder One wants you.” Dorian says. “He is willing to kill everyone and anyone to get to you.”

“I can’t let that happen.” I paused for breath, to think through my options. Before I could finish with my thoughts, Cullen spoke.

“The only way to stop him is to use the trebuchet to cover his army and him.”

“That won’t stop a dragon.” Dorian pitched in.

“Dorian, if he had me would he leave them alone?” I asked. I had decided that with the breach closed, they could defeat him without me.

“That’s not an option.” Cullen stated in a tone that would brook no argument.

“It wouldn’t help anyway. He would finish his attack on Haven out of principle, and with no way for everyone else to escape, it would be a pointless waste of a perfectly sweet and delectable woman.” I didn’t know how Dorian could flirt right now.

“There is a path,” Chancelor Roderick then explained about the summer pilgrimage. 

“Yeah, but if we were going to have a chance at leaving, we would need some serious distraction.”

“Varric,” Cullen said surprised, “You should be getting healed.”

“He would not, not until we had ‘a plan’” Solas told Cullen.

“Cullen, will you make sure Varric along with Solas start up the path. Your soldiers will need to protect our people. Even if there is a remote chance at escaping, you must help them try. I will arrange for the trebuchet.” I waited for Cullen to leave.

“Sera, go with them, when you’re clear of the tree line fire a flaming arrow in the air. Understand?” She just nodded and raced with them. None of them knew what I was planning, but Varric said it. If they were to have any chance, there would need to be a distraction. I could only think of one thing that might distract the Elder One long enough to get them to safety.

I knew I needed help to clear the area around the trebuchet. I needed something dramatic and eye catching and Solas was helping the wounded. Vivienne was self-serving enough to run when I told her to. I needed a shield. I had no one else who would do exactly what I needed, except for maybe Cole. I had made my plan. I would save these people and then Cullen would lead them to victory against the Elder One. I felt a pang of regret at the thought of Cullen. He would not be okay with this. They only thing I could do was to use his friend against him to send him away. So many people would try to stop me if they knew what I had planned. It made me feel loved. It wasn’t that long ago that I arrived here, no one and nothing left. I had a family again. And I will do whatever it takes to save them. 

“Vivienne, Cole, and Cassandra with me, we will clear the area around the trebuchet and ensure it is ready.” 

Everyone surged with me toward the last of the trebuchets. There were enemy mages and soldiers everywhere. It was a perfect draw of attention. I knew they were so focused on us that they wouldn’t be able to wonder where the others had gone. Cassandra was able to keep them off me while I fired. Every shot had to be perfect. Every arrow was aimed to kill. She was also able to protect Vivienne. She threw her fire and ice into the sky dramatically to kill and counter the mages. Cole is a force. He is completely invisible for anyone he didn’t want to see him until he popped up behind them, his daggers deep in their back or side piercing a lung or other equally necessary internal organ. His wanting to help people made the killing of killers acceptable. Whatever workes for him, I guess.

As we were finally able to align and aim the trebuchet, I heard the dreaded sound, the yelling shriek of a disturbingly grotesque dragon. It looked like I imagined an arch demon would look. It’s breath bore shards of red lyrium that I knew would pierce my leather if I let it get close enough.

“Run!” I screamed, “Get away, run to the chantry, and follow our people.” Vivienne was off, like I knew she would be. Cassandra started to turn, but then realized I wasn’t moving.

“No, Jewel you can’t!” Fear for me made her voice quaver.

“I must, I’m the only one who can.” Another screech peeled through the air.

“I won’t let you.” She moved toward me to try and grab me.

“Cole, you have to take her. All of these lives will be lost if I don’t do this. I can’t do this if she is here. One life is always better than the lives of many. I know you know that.” 

“I understand. I will help.” Cole took Cassandra to the sound of her choked sob.

None too soon, for the dragon, covered the area around me in fire and lyrium. The barrels of sulfur and oil went up in a small explosion throwing me to the ground. I hit my head and was slightly dazed. Any stars I could see were blurred. As I came to, I was frantically looking for Sera’s flaming arrow. I needed to continue with a distraction as long as I could.

From the smoke he came. He strides toward me with a grace that might be beautiful if it weren’t for the repulsive shape of his form and the unnerving features on his face. He was vain. He loved talking about himself and his plans. I fed into it. Keep talking, I thought. Keep spilling your guts to me. His voice was the sound of gravel falling over jagged rocks. He started getting frustrated. Corypheus grabbed my arm and wrenched me up by it, pulling it out of its socket. I hung helplessly in the air, trying to ignore the pain, desperately looking for the signal. I may have found something better. I saw the opening into a tunnel. Part of the deep roads? Part of the old mining complex? I wasn’t sure, but it signified hope to me. I looked back at Corypheus then, more resolved than ever. He thinks he is going to kill me, but he needs me to know how amazing his plan was and how ultimately I failed first. But I know the truth. I am not failing. I am giving them a chance. They will survive and then they will come for him. 

He threw me into the trebuchet out of frustration, breaking my ribs. He was done with his rant. I tried to keep him talking. Then I saw the flame letting me know my people were safe.

“You think we will fight you, and we will, when we choose!” With that I kicked the release and ran. I ran toward the only hope I had, that tunnel, or cave opening. Whatever it was it was hope.

I blinked my eyes open to shards of ice. They were threatening to fall at any moment. When they did they would pierce through any part of my body they wished. I had to get up. The mark from Andraste was throbbing, a fresh wound once more. I hurt everywhere. That was okay, it meant I was alive. I got up, slowly. It hurt to breathe but I could. It hurt to move my arm, but I could. Praise Andraste, She must need more from me. Divine intervention, yet again, it would come with the ultimate cost when I was done, as it did for Andraste herself. The comparison scared me, but I would be her tool as I knew she was one for the Maker. I went in the only direction I could, praying that there would be a way out. There was, but as I looked out into the blistering wind, I said out loud. “Andraste, I will do anything you require but, at least once, can’t you make this easy?”

 

***

 

Solas was debating with himself. As soon as he realized what Jewel had done, he wanted to turn around. She asked him to take care of their friend. Varric needed his attention. He would not let her potential sacrifice be in vain. They had already removed the wooden stake from Varrics side. He was lucky, it didn’t reach anything vital.

There was a commotion, Vivienne, Cole and Cassandra had just entered the makeshift camp nestled in a small alcove between the giant rocks. 

“I will never forgive you,” Cassandra was shouting at Cole.

“What’s wrong?” Cullen asked. “Where is the Herald?”

“She stayed behind, and asked this THING to take me from her so I couldn’t help.”

“Cole, what happened?” Cullen asked eyes wide with worry. Solas didn’t realize Cullen was on a first name basis with the spirit. 

“She is loud to him. No one could live if she was with them. He would destroy everything. She needed her new family safe. One life for many she said. She knew Vivienne would go. She needed me to keep Cassandra safe. Cassandra glows to her the brightest.”

“Jewel intentionally sacrificed herself?” Solas knew it was true before it came out of Cullen’s mouth.

“Give Cullen time. He will keep them safe. Solas will heal Varric. Distract the monster. Keep her family safe. We are her family. Not born of blood but we glow for her. Cassandra the most, then Cullen and Solas. The Iron Bull, Varric, Sera and me, even Blackwall, Leliana and Josephine. Dorian is new, but it’s just under the surface. The soldiers, the people and the new Templars. They all glow for her.” Cole tried to explain.

Solas realized two things in that moment. That he cared for Jewel Trevelyan more than he should, and there was no way he was letting her go without looking for her, but he couldn’t do it like this.

Quickly he snuck away from the gathering crowd. He deposited his things somewhere safe and hidden and allowed his form to realign around him.

Fen’Harel breathed deeply, sensing so much more than a natural wolf. He allowed the air to not only fill his nose but also roll over his tongue. He could smell and taste the smoke and ash that must be Haven. He ran toward it, searching for the connection that he had to Jewel through the mark. It wasn’t snowing, but the biting wind was whipping up so much snow that it didn’t matter. He didn’t feel it. The snow was flying at him and sticking to his thick fur. As he got closer to Haven he grew more frantic. He couldn’t feel the mark. Fen’Harel slowed and sat. He concentrated, searched for his magic. His face was lifted to the air . . . There . . . She lived. It was different, somehow, it had altered, and it was also stronger. That is why he couldn’t sense it before. He focused on it for a moment, locked on, then raced toward it, toward her. 

He could sense her, but he couldn’t see her. As Fen’Harel searched for the only woman who had tempted him in centuries, he echoed Solas earlier sentiment. He cared for her, and according to Compassion, she cared for him too. His eyes darted back and forth searching, he held his long muzzle into the air, trying to catch her scent. He could smell blood, he ran to her side. He knew as Solas he could carry her, but not for long through the storm that was raging, and it would bring up questions, too many questions. He needed to wake her. She needed to continue, she was closer than she knew to where the rest of the inquisition was. He nuzzled her, licked her face, she was so cold. He started to gently nip her ears, her fingers, anything he could safely reach. He gently bumped her shoulder with his head. 

Finally she stirred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the thought of Fen'Harel being a bigger part of the story early on. Obviously not possible in the game, but that's okay. Also, when you are romancing Cullen and he just let you go sacrifice yourself, even if your not romancing him, I highly doubt he would be that okay with it. After all there are still a ton of rifts etc. You would think they would do more to prevent that, but oh well.


	15. Save Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel finally is able to reach the camp.

There was warm breath on my face. I groaned in pain as I moved to get up. I didn’t mean to fall asleep. I had just needed to rest for a moment. As my vision cleared, I saw a huge wolf. He was easily as tall as Sombra, but much more powerfully built. It moved back to sit on its haunches like a dog would. Breath was fogging the air as it panted. It’s powerful chest heaving from some recent exertion. It was staring at me. I was paralyzed by the cold, not by fear. Or that’s what I told myself. I couldn’t remember if I was supposed to stare it in the eye, cower, or play dead. All though I was positive the last option was out considering how the wolf came across me. 

I stared at the large eyes in front of me. I was trying to make sense of what was going on. I could have sworn I had seen those eyes before. They weren’t the color wolves eyes were supposed to be. He, it was definitely male, just stared back. I still wasn’t moving and I think that was bothering him. He took a few steps closer to me and sat again. I didn’t move. I just stared him in the eye. Somehow I was calmer now. I wasn’t afraid, but I was cold and I needed to get up. I stood, still wary, and tried to get my bearings. I had seen a light. I couldn’t remember where and I couldn’t even detect the smallest of flickers through the raging storm. My cheeks were stiff from the cold, and my leather was frozen to my body. I wrapped my arms around myself to keep warm as I stared in all directions. 

The wolf flitted away. I had to make a choice. I didn’t know what direction I had come from, I couldn’t see the stars so I didn’t even know where north was. I couldn’t remember where the light had been coming from. I prayed for guidance from Andraste as I went the opposite way of the wolf thinking he would run away from the large group of people. I only took a handful of steps when there he was in front of me again. Now he was growling. He came closer to me and I stood still. He rushed to me so fast I couldn’t do anything but hold my breath. His head was almost at the same level as my own. I didn’t appreciate how big he was until he was so close to me. His jaw could take me apart easily. But it didn’t.

The wolf licked my face with his huge tongue and darted off in the direction he had earlier. He paused and looked back at me, waiting. I understood. I took a few steps toward him and he bounded off again. Praise Andraste. The wolf was guiding me.   
I was freezing, I was still struggling toward the last place I saw the wolf. It hurt to breathe, I held my left arm close to me to protect it from any further damage, and the right I held in front of my face to protect my eyes from the blizzard. If I faltered from my course, a wolf’s lone howl would guide me back. When I stopped he would come and urge me on. 

I couldn’t move anymore. I couldn’t get enough air into my lungs with my shallow breaths. The snow was deeper now and my steps were agonizingly slow. I was no longer in pain. My whole body was numb. What a relief, I wonder if I can keep it this way. Each step took so much effort and strength. It would be so much easier if I could rest for a while. I had time. I know I didn’t have to be there for a while. I would just rest for a while, I know there are people waiting for me, but I’m sure they will wait longer. I stopped, the wolf showed himself. I knew he was there. I knew he was trying to help me, but I couldn’t go any further. I collapsed to my knees in the snow. He came to me then. He licked my face and darted away. I couldn’t move. He growled at me then.

“I’m sorry.” I said to him then. “I can’t. I can’t go any further.” I started to cry, the tears freezing to my face before they could fall. He came closer again. On my knees he towered over me. I looked up and he leaned down and licked the crystalized tears from my face. Then he nuzzled me, his cold nose along my neck, his cheek to my chin. I took the comfort he offered and I reached my good arm around his neck and leaned my face into his.

He didn’t speak, I know he didn’t. But I heard him anyway.

“Yes, you can!” His voice was deep and had a growl to it. I should have been frightened of the voice, but I could never be frightened of this wolf.

“Help me to stand.” I grabbed a thick handful of fur with my good hand and pulled myself up. As he tried to move away I stopped him. “Please,” I said, “Stay with me?” I still clung to him. The wolf leaned into me and slowed to my much slower pace. He was my support as I continued. He made it easier. I didn’t have to think, I didn’t have to feel. He made me feel safe. I could follow blindly. 

As suddenly as he appeared, the wolf was gone. I mourned his loss but I could keep going thanks to him. Then I heard the most amazing sound.

“There, it’s her.”

Cullen was here to save me.

 

***

 

Relief poured through his body as Cullen saw Jewel. He rushed to her side. She was ice cold. He took his own fur cloak off and laid it over her, before he picked her up. He was weak with guilt. How could have let her stay behind. He was sure she would be right behind them. When he saw the rest of her team arrive without Jewel, he wanted it to be him instead. He carried her through the deep snow to the tent that Cassandra had been sharing with Leliana and Josephine.

“Go find Solas.” He almost yelled at the watch guard in front of the tent as he rushed in to lay down his precious burden. Dorian had been a literal life saver in helping organize the few mages they had into make fire runes for the tents. It was so cold here in the northern mountains that many of the people would freeze without them. So Cullen was relieved to lay Jewel down in a warm bed.

“Cullen,” she murmured, her voice was deep and sultry from exhaustion. “I’m sorry I’m late.” 

“Shhh,” Cullen whispered as he ran the back of his fingers down her face. He was so distracted by her that he didn’t notice as Lelianna and Cassandra started to remove their gear.

“Cullen, we will take care of her from here.” Cassandra told him.

“No, I will stay.” He said not even looking up.

“You must go. We need to remove her clothes.” Leliana stated flatly. That got his attention.

“What?” He finally glanced up and turned toward her only to notice that Leliana was only in her small clothes. “Maker’s breath.” He murmured and quickly looked away from them, which brought his eyes back to Jewel. Casandra was only in a shirt and pants and she started peeling off the layers of leather that Jewel wore. He blushed as he looked away yet again toward the spy master.

“We must warm her body up, or she will succumb.” She explained to him.

“I will be just outside if you need me.” As Cullen was leaving, Solas barged in.

“You found her?” he didn’t sound surprised, “Let me examine her.” 

For a reason he didn’t want to identify, Cullen didn’t want to leave Solas in here while he couldn’t be, so he stayed. 

“I will be quick, you are right and she needs to be warmed.” The mage said gesturing toward the women who were getting ready to shed the rest of their clothes. Then Solas put his hands on Jewels ribcage.

“What are you . . ?” Cullen started to ask incredulously.

“I am ascertaining the damage she has received Commander. I don’t believe you need to be here for this.” Solas sounded so high and mighty but, after all, Cullen had sent for him, wanted him to make sure Jewel was going to be alright, but he couldn’t help the   
flare of jealousy and possession that came over him.

“It is all right Cullen,” Cassandra stated, “Solas will help the healing process, and it is not as if he hasn’t seen her in a state of undress before.” She must have realized what that sounded like because she quickly added, “When he healed her from the dragon.”

Cullen realized that Solas was here as a healer and that he needed to do his job. So Cullen bowed slightly and left the tent.

“Soldier!”

“Yes, Commander.”

“Fetch me a stool or something to sit on.” Cullen was going to sit right outside the tent and make sure that no one disturbed them, and to listen to what was being said. At least he could admit that much to himself.

“Your stool ser.” The soldier lingered.

“Yes?” Cullen asked him.

“Is it true ser? Has the Herald returned to us?” The soldiers voice was full of awe and wonder. Cullen hadn’t thought what this would mean to the people to see Jewel come back. He only knew what it meant to him.

“Yes. She has.” Cullen paused only a moment before he added, “Inform the inquisition, our Herald has returned to us.” The soldier smiled and took off to tell the others. Cullen started hearing cheers all around the camp and a watch guard came to give him a flask.

“To the Herald!” The guard said.

Cullen smiled to himself as he listened to Solas diagnosis.

“Her shoulder is dislocated and must be repaired before anything else can be done. I will have to bind it. Finish undressing her, after I bind it you may finish what you started. The ribs and other injuries can be taken care of after she warms.”

Cullen was no longer smiling. He took a sip from the flask and sat. It was close, but she survived, she was remarkable. He felt his face turn into a scowl. Solas was in there watching her as they undressed her. He heard a loud crack, and then a scream. Cullen immediately leapt up, his stool flying away as he ran back into the tent.

“What happened?” The question dried in Cullen’s mouth as he saw Jewel in only her breast band and a blanket. Her ample bosom was spilling over. He would have instantly hardened if he didn’t notice the pallor of her skin that was tinged with blue.  
Her hair was a mess. The wind outside their sheltered camp had torn her usual bun apart. Her lips and cheeks were chapped and there were dark circles under her eyes. One of her cheeks had a fresh cut, but it looked more like the ice from outside had caused it than any sort of weapon. Her arms were red from peeling frozen leather off of her skin. The mark on her palm looked open and raw, but instead of oozing blood it exuded a foul green manifestation of sorts, much like one of the rifts themselves. She had dark purple bruises that completely covered her ribcage. Her right shoulder was covered in the molten patterns that were the scars from the dragons’ fire. On her left forearm was a great bruise in the shape of an overlarge hand. Her left shoulder was swollen but otherwise okay. Cullen had no idea how much she had been through. He briefly thought that her naked body looked much like his. Cassandra was holding her up and Solas was wrapping her arm firmly to her body to prevent any further damage, but Jewel was still unconscious.

“It was only a reflex, she is not awake.” Solas looked Cullen in the eyes and said, “I have been able to slightly raise her body temperature and we were able to get a partial restoration potion in her, but she needs to be warm.” Cullen watched as Solas got off of Jewels bed, grabbed his staff, and walked over to him. “Come, we are no longer needed.”

Cullen walked away from the woman he loved for the second time that night, but this time Solas came with him. Cullen righted the stool once more in front of the tent flap and sat wearily. 

“You must find her easy to love.” Solas said. It was a statement not a question.

“I had no idea I was so transparent.” Cullen growled back at him.

“I was not sure until just now.”

The silence was not easy between them. Cullen reached for the flask that he left in the snow and took a long swallow. Solas just stood there, like he was waiting for something. 

“You saw her. You saw what she has been through, what she will continue to go through?” Solas asked him, but Cullen didn’t think he was looking for an answer.

“She is kind, she is beautiful. I feel good in her company. She makes everyone better, when I’m with her I feel . . . so . . .” Cullen didn’t have the words to finish.

“I understand. She is remarkable.” Solas paused for only a moment, “But you must think about what she is meant to do. Corypheus will come back, and she will fight him again. She must, the mark draws him to her.”

Cullen passed Solas the flask, he seemed taken aback, but accepted it and took a drink. 

“The whole of Thedas needs her, not just you.” With that Solas handed Cullen the flask and left. He hated him. Cullen seethed at the man who was right. How could he expect to have the Herald of fucking Andraste to himself, even for a moment, for any sort of time for that matter? He was a selfish man, and it took the only man alive who has ever seen her naked to tell him that. Makers balls, how could Andraste ask this of Jewel, or of him for that matter. Let the woman he loved belong to everyone? Cullen finished the rest of the flask and if he wasn’t keeping watch, he would want to get good and rip roaring drunk. Then Cole appeared before him.

“She hurts, but she will heal.” He said to Cullen. “You hurt, but it isn’t the same. Why do you hurt?”

“I think I need to let her go.” Saying it out loud made his heart ache worse than his head ever did.

“She needs you.”

“I will still be there for her.”

“How is it different? Why does it make you hurt?”

“It is different, that’s all.”

“It doesn’t have to be different.”

“I don’t know Cole. This is bigger than me, bigger than her. She has a duty and I don’t want to get in the way of that. I can still help her without letting how I feel change things.”

“Not if it hurts.”

“Yes Cole, even if it hurts, that is duty.”

“What if it hurts her?” With that Cole left Cullen to his thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you get hypothermia you start thinking very strangely. You might take off your warm clothes for no reason. Or start thinking your late :D


	16. Journey Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery after Haven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really short chapter, I will have another one up soon.

I woke to Solas. He was checking something under my blanket.

“We have to stop meeting like this.” I said and he smiled.

“I am glad to see you wake. You have been slumbering for almost two days now. Tell me, how do you feel?”

I thought about it for a moment before responding. “It hurts to breathe, I ache all over but mostly in my shoulder, I’m parched, everything is too bright, I’m cold,” I paused to catch my breath, “and I have a headache. Otherwise, I feel great. I am alive after all.”

“A remarkable feat considering. . .” Solas seemed to struggle with the words, “Why did you do it? Why did you send us away and run to take care of it by yourself? It was careless, it was selfish. . .” 

“It was the only thing that saved us.” I told him gently putting my hand on his forearm. “You’re right it was selfish. I wanted all of you and the inquisition to be safe. There really was no other way.”

“I know. You are remarkable Lethalan.” He leaned over, and for a moment I thought he would kiss me. Solas gently pressed his forehead to mine. “The others will want to know you’ve awakened.” Then he left.

Sera was the first to come running in the tent. She playfully bounded onto my cot.

“Hey you.” She said with a smile that lingered only for a moment before it turned into a scowl. “What you think you was doin’ runnin’ off like that? You could’ve . . . I mean you could’ve. Well shite, you could’ve fucked up and not come back, you know. And you think I’m crazy?” The last was said under her breath.

“It’s good to see you too Sera.” I told her.

Then it was Cullen who came in the tent. I remembered he found me. He found me in the snow and I was safe. I could lie in his arms with no worries because I knew he would be there. I knew he would take care of me. He was so strong and kind. I wanted him here. I wanted him to hold me again. I wanted to feel his warm skin against my own. I wanted the stubble that he could never seem to get rid of to caress my face. I wanted to curl into him. I wanted . . . him. I bit my lip to keep myself from saying any of this out loud. Now was not the time.

“Ah, good to see you awake Herald. I see you already have company,” He walked up to me and grasped my hand, “I’ll leave you to her. I am sure we can talk of our options later.” What was wrong with him? He dropped my hand suddenly as if it were too hot to hold. I was so confused. I thought we were friends. He turned around to leave. He was almost at the flap before I could speak.

“Cullen?” I started to ask, “What’s the matter?” He paused for a moment before answering, I almost thought he wouldn’t.

“You almost died Jewel. It was a miracle that you were able to make it.” He almost sounded angry, “Next time you think that self-sacrifice is the answer, you should think of the ones you would leave behind.” Then he left.

The rest of my friends came in to see me as I recovered, but none of them left the empty feeling that Cullen did. I knew I could talk to Cole.

“I am lost Cole. I am lost in my own indecision.” He would just sit there at the foot of my bed and listen. I don’t know how much he really understood, but I knew he wanted to help and that was something.

“He is right. She belongs to the world. I can’t have her. But he can’t have her either. I will be a friend. I can stay close. It is only my pain. We glow.”

“You know Cole, I sometimes have no idea what you’re talking about.” I told him.

“Thoughts flutter through. Mostly from one, sometimes from more.” 

“Thank you, that makes it so much clearer.”

“I told them.”

“You told them what?”

“We glow for you.”

“What does that mean?”

“You want a family, we are your family, so we glow for you. Some brighter. Some not at all, like Vivienne. But we glow for you.”

“Yes you are important to me. I care for you.”

“Some are stronger.”

“Yes.”

“Like Cassandra?”

“Yes.” I tried to explain it to him. “Cassandra is my best friend. I would be lost without her. I can tell her anything.”

“You tell me anything.”

“Yes, I do,” I was slightly taken aback. I didn’t realize how much I relied on him and how much I cared for him. “It is a little different, but I care for you too. You help me. Thank you.”

“I’m glad I help.” We just shared the silence for a moment. I thought of the people who relied on me. I thought how Cole was right and I really didn’t like Vivienne.

“You do help, Cole.” I was tired I wanted to go back to sleep.

“I glow brighter for you now. Almost like Solas but not like Cullen or Cassandra.” Cole seemed happy but I wasn’t sure what that meant. 

“Okay Cole.” I fell asleep.

I woke to shouting. Now that I was past danger it seemed all my friends could do was argue. Mother Giselle was sitting with me now. I felt better and I needed to help. They were struggling with figuring out what had happened. Mother Giselle was very comforting. I could imagine what the people had gone through, but they didn’t know what I had gone through either. I didn’t die and come back to life. I was guided by Andraste yes, but it wasn’t enough. Haven fell. So many people lost their lives. I am not enough.

“I want to believe Andraste is with me, but doubt is everywhere.” I got up and left the tent then. I stood there holding onto the tent post for support. I really didn’t know how to help them. Then Mother Giselle started singing. It was beautiful. She had a deep contralto that was somewhat hypnotic. Then Leliana started singing with her. The soprano she wielded was as fierce as any dagger. As soon as Cullen started singing I was hyper aware. I remembered what a beautiful tone he had. Slowly more and more of the inquisition started to join in song. Then they started to kneel. 

I didn’t deserve this. I was only a tool, Andraste’s tool, not her Herald. I could only stand there. The only sign of my discomfort was the slight clenching of my fists.

When they finished the hymn, Mother Giselle spoke to me once more.

“What is belief if it isn’t tested?”

 

***

 

Solas couldn’t help the small smile that came over him as the people sang her praise. He still believed what he told Cullen. Jewel couldn’t belong to any of them. He needed to keep reminding himself as well, he couldn’t believe he almost let himself kiss her. He was caring for her, he was ensuring her health. He cannot let his feelings change how he treats a patient. She needed direction. This, he could give her. Solas decided he would give her enough information to justify him showing her the way.  
He knew she was uncomfortable by the way she stood there. The best leaders never ask for power, but they make the most of it.

“A word?” Solas knew it sounded short, but there was nothing he could do about it now. He took the time to explain about the orb that he saw in ‘the fade’ and asked for her trust. He would guide her so she could guide them. He knew that she needed to be the face of the inquisition. 

“Of course Solas,” she reached for his hand and held it in her own, “If you think this is the way to do it, I trust you. I know that you only have my best interest at heart.”

Solas was undone. He wanted to touch her, but not only that, he wanted to be touched. He squeezed her hand gently before letting it go. He knew that there was strong friendship when Fen’Harel led her through the mountains; he knew there was lust when he watched her bathe, but now he was unsure. It was more than either of those things, but he would not think on it over much. For now, he would guide her to the future of the inquisition. Skyhold.


	17. Skyhold Was Wonderous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New to Skyhold and talking to all of the companions. Will the inquisitor have a fling?

Skyhold was wondrous. I couldn’t begin to imagine what it held before. There were many repairs to do, but that would come. With the fortifications being what they were, I decided I wouldn’t have to run around in my leather armor anymore. I had a much softer but less sturdy pair of leather breeches, they were stained very dark and had pretty silver embellishments on them. I hadn’t had the opportunity to wear them since Milly made them for me and I was glad to do so. The top I chose to wear was the beautiful blue of lapis lazuli with black panels and spots of frivolous lace. I loved it. I wore my breast band looser when I wasn’t planning on fighting and the cut of the bodice showed of my curves to their advantage. There was an intricate pattern of silver thread throughout that tied in nicely with the rest of my outfit. I also wore my formal boots, with the silver toe. I felt like the noble I was again. 

As I walked out into the courtyard I saw Cassandra, talking with Leliana, Cullen and Josephine. Cassandra waved me over and I walked toward her. I was eager to talk to Cullen. We hadn’t spoken much since we got here, but as I made my way over to them, he walked away. I tried to hide my disappointment as Cass and I started to talk.

“I believe in you. You have done so much for the inquisition. You have been leading us almost from the moment you arrived. Well, after I interrogated you and accused you of destroying all the people you love, anyway.”

The inquisition sword was a lot lighter than it looked. The gold filigreed handle was shaped in the form of a dragon and it seemed that the wings would protect my hand. It was beautiful.

“Not all the people I love.” I hugged her with my free arm. “I will make sure we remember why we started, that we are helping people, and we will stop Corypheus no matter what.”

“Have our people been told?” Cassandra shouted.

“They have, and soon the world.” Josephine yelled back.

“Commander, will they follow.”

“Inquisition, will we follow?” Cheers went up, “Will we fight?” More cheers, “Will we triumph?” The people were cheering continuously now. “Your leader, your herald, your inquisitor.” Cullen looked at me, his half smile was disarming. It was good to know that whatever happened between us, he believed in me. I lifted the inquisition sword high into the air. I could do this. Cullen and Cassandra would never let anything like Envy showed me come to pass. Josephine started loudly shouting. It was so out of her character that Cullen couldn’t help but look at her, his puzzled expression made me grin.

Varric has a friend who can help. I can’t imagine who that could be.

“Inquisitor, meet Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwal.”

“Though, I don’t use that title much anymore.” Hawkes deep voice rumbled through me. He was really sexy in that I’ve seen everything and I’m not impressed sort of way. I had read Varrics Tale of the Champion, and I thought I knew the man before me pretty well. Varric and he were so much alike. They were easy to laugh and used humor to cope. He had laugh lines around his eyes and a scar across his cheek. He had two deadly looking daggers sheathed on his back, and I could tell he knew how to use them. His hair was artfully mussed and probably never behaved. Like Cullen it looked like he needed a shave but obviously had more important things to worry about. He looked so care free. I was slightly envious of him. He had been through so much, he was there at the beginning of the rebellion, and yet he seemed happy. I wanted that.

As we talked about Corypheus I couldn’t help but wonder where Merril was. I knew that they were together, or had been. His voice game me goosebumps and his lips were very kissable. I didn’t even know this man, but something in him called to me. His eyes were as green as emeralds and they seemed to pierce right through me. 

“Where are your friends and family?” I asked him after we were done talking about the important stuff.

“My sister is a grey warden. I had my friend Aveline take her as far away from Orlais as possible. I need to keep her safe. She is all I have left, really.” Hawke sounded so lonely in that moment.

“What about Merril?” I asked him.

“Merril and I were barely more than friends. We had a slight fling but after the demon took over her keeper, I had to kill most of her clan. She left after that to find more of the Dalish. She wasn’t even at the final battle between the Templars and Mages.” He smiled then and went back to his relaxed self. It was a very sexy half smile that reminded me a lot of Cullen. “Don’t believe everything in Varrics books.” 

“Well then, it seems like there isn’t a whole lot tying you down?” I don’t know what had come over me. Although I was pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that I almost died.

“Lady Inquisitor, are you flirting with me?” Hawked chuckled. 

“You can call me Jewel,” I was surprised at myself, “and I believe I am.” I was very unsure, but I was drawn to him. I wanted to be like him. He also reminded me of Cullen, and I didn’t think I would ever be comfortable enough to flirt with Cullen like I was with Hawke.

“Well, we have time before needing to head off for Crestwood, would you like to have a drink.” Then his face smirked and he had a glint in his eye. “We will have to go to either my room or yours since most of the people here don’t know I’m here and I would like to keep it that way.”

“Lead the way Hawke.” I was getting bold. I just knew that I needed . . . something. Reaffirmation of being alive, I was lonely. I had plenty of time to get over Dominic and it had been years since I had any sort of physical relationship. I don’t know what I wanted. I just knew that this man could give it to me. 

“Cullen, you sly dog.” Hawke said jovially. “It’s been a while, my friend.” We ran into Cullen on the ramparts on the way to wherever Varric had set Hawke up. I watched as the two men did the manly shake hands and embrace thing. Looking at them next to each other was both exciting and eye opening. 

I watched them catch up. Cullen was laughing. It had been a long time since I had seen him laugh. It was balm. He looked so much younger when he was smiling. I realized all of the things that drew me toward Hawke, reminded me of Cullen; his smile, the intensity of his eyes, the shadow of facial hair, even his scar. I was still envious of Hawkes easy nature. That was something neither Cullen nor I had in abundance, all though on occasion it would sneak out of one or both of us. Did I want a relationship with Cullen? I remembered finding him in a state of undress in his tent, I remembered him holding and carrying me after the dragon and helping me through my demons, literally. I remembered the relief I felt when I heard his voice after my trek through the snow with a wolf. I was attracted to him. Who wouldn’t be? Half the women who walked by him couldn’t help but stare, even though he seemed oblivious to it. He was a friend. I could share things with him that he understood, that no one else could. I couldn’t share the really personal stuff with him, that is why I had Cassandra, and Cole I realized. I would hate to ruin our friendship by asking for more. 

I knew Hawke would be willing. He didn’t have any commitments and it would be good to just feel. Cullen would be part of the inquisition forever, Hawke would leave after we figured out what was going on with his warden friend. 

“Inquisitor?” I wondered if Cullen had just noticed my presence or if he just now decided to comment on it.

“Yes, Commander?” I was still unsure of myself, so I decided just to go with it.

“Has Hawke been accommodating your needs?” He asked me.

“I was about to.” Hawkes lecherous laugh made me blush.

“I was referring to answering questions about Corypheus my friend.” Cullen scowled and managed to make the word friend sound like a curse. Hawke raised his eyebrow at Cullen.

“We were just going to have a drink and discuss it.” The thought that Cullen might be jealous sent a thrill through me. Did I want Cullen to be jealous? Yes, I think I did. Well shit.

“Wonderful, I will join you. It will be good to catch up.” He said. I think I was relieved, but the look on Hawkes face was priceless.

“That’s not necessary Cullen, the inquisitor and I were just going to share our insights.” I think Hawke also realized Cullen was jealous and was toying with him.

“Actually, I believe our Inquisitor is needed in the war room.” It may have been my imagination, but I think Cullen put extra emphasis on the word our.

“Very well Commander.” I sighed, “Hawke, I believe we will have to reschedule our drink for another time.” I said as I turned toward him. He grabbed my unmarked hand, and turned it palm up. He then kissed the heel of my hand ever so slightly and then the underside of my wrist. It was electric and I couldn’t help my reaction as I shuddered in pleasure.

“I know where to find you, Jewel, and I will hold you to it.” Then he winked at me and left.

 

***

 

Cullen had no right to be jealous. He had decided to give her up. But that didn’t mean he was okay with Hawke giving her a tumble before he left for parts unknown. Just because Garret Hawke was his friend didn’t mean that he would let him have anything to do with Jewel. And Maker’s breath, he called her by her given name. Cole’s words from a week ago came to him yet again. “What if it hurts her?” He had asked him. Cullen had lost count of the number of times he thought about that. 

“Lead the way Commander.” Jewel stated.

Great now he either needed to produce Josephine and Leliana out of thin air for council or admit that he lied. He had no good reason for the lie he told, well no reason that he would tell her anyway. However, as they were making their way down the stairs to the courtyard below, he decided to change tactics. 

“Actually, I only said we needed to go to the war room to get rid of Hawke.” Cullen wanted to be as honest as possible. “I wanted to show you how fortifications were doing.”

“Oh,” Jewel said. Cullen could hear the disappointment in her voice.

“You know that he didn’t mean to just have a drink right?” Cullen couldn’t help himself; it just came out before he could think. Now he was either going to sound like the jealous man he was or like an over protective brother, which he really didn’t want to be. Jewel didn’t answer. He could tell she was thinking how to respond. Well he hoped that is what she was doing because his other thought was that she was angry at him for spoiling her fun.

“I know Cullen,” her shoulders sagged then a little, but he noticed. “You are my friend right?” She asked him. Well I guess being put in the friend category was better than the over protective brother category. So he tried to answer well enough to leave it open.

“I am always here for you.” Was the best he could come up with. He watched as Jewel was contemplating beside him. He was struck again at how beautiful she was. She was deep enough in thought that Cullen could stare to his heart’s content. The small scars she had on her face weren’t enough to mar her features. His eyes were continuously drawn to her lips, which she had a bad habit of chewing when she was thinking. He wanted them swollen from his kiss. He didn’t think he could survive if someone else’s lips fed from them. Cullen rubbed the back of his neck, he had to stop thinking like that.

“It was close, our escape from Haven, I mean. I’m relieved that you . . . that so many made it out.” Cullen could tell that she was still shaken from the experience.

“As am I.” He wanted to say so much more to her. He wanted to tell her to have a ‘drink’ with him instead of Hawke. As Jewel turned to continue going down the stairs, he grabbed her arm to stop her. “You stayed behind, you could have . . .” As the conversation began to go through his head, he decided once again to stop where it was going. “Inquisitor, I will not allow the events at Haven to happen again. You have my word.”

 

***

Why did Cullen have to go all formal on me again? I was ready to tell him that I was lonely at that was my only interest in Hawke. I was so frustrated. I let him show me the fortifications and his plans with minimal conversation. I think he could feel me withdraw from him, but I don’t know how he felt about that. He said he was my friend, but I think I want more from him. I need to talk to Cassandra.  
I was told she was in the smithy, I heard her before I saw her. She was yelling at someone on the second floor. As I made my way up there I realized she was mad at Varric. Leliana had said she would be. I listened dumbfounded as Cassandra accused him of all manner of things.

“Enough,” I screamed at them both. “You two are being stupid. You are friends, what’s done is done.” I let my tone mellow out as I turned to Cassandra. “Cass, if some crazy hard ass woman was trying to find out where I was, wouldn’t you want Varric to convince her that he didn’t know?” I could see by the look in her eye that I was right. “Once Varric trusted us, he brought Hawke to us. He is here, he is working with us now right.” Cassandra could only nod, still in shock from what I said earlier. “And he is sexy as hell.” Both Varric and Cass looked at me then. “What?”

“If Hawke were at the conclave, he would be dead too Seeker.” Varric said to her. To me he said, “You know Hawke has Merill right?” He was grinning.

“He told me not to believe everything you write Varric.” I laughed at him.

“True enough, Hawke is definitely not the committing kind of guy.” Varric looked over at Cassandra then. “I’m not sorry I didn’t tell you then, I didn’t know you. But I probably should have been forthcoming sooner seeker. I will apologize for that.” 

“Jewel is right Varric, if Hawke were my friend it would be good knowing that you were watching out for him.” Cassandra watched Varric as he left, then she turned toward me. “I just felt like I failed. I should have seen that he was holding back, I should have done better. All though, if we had found Hawke, and he agreed to lead the inquisition, the Maker might not have sent you and that would have been regretful. I have never had a friend like you before, Jewel Trevelyan.”

“Cassandra, you are not a failure, not ever. You’re decisions led up to this point too, not just mine. You are my friend, my confidant, and you are a strong woman with the will to do what it takes. Those are qualities of character that cannot be taught. They are born and developed.” She hugged me then.

“I will do better.” She said.

“You will do what you must.” I replied.

This was not a good time for me to share my own concerns and personal drama with her. She would need time to come to terms with what just happened. I thought I should check up on Varric and see how he was doing in the aftermath.

“Is she still mad?” He asked me.

“I think she was just mad at herself for allowing you to pull the wool over her eyes.”

“That’s good, I was worried I might end up with a black eye, or with a chunk of chest hair missing.” He got a good look at my face and started laughing. “I swear she was going to grab my chest hair next and rip it out.” He was smiling and shaking his head. Holy Andrastes arse. Varric liked her. I mean liked her liked her. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with my revelation when he asked me. “You’re not really thinking about passing time with Hawke are you?”

Could I open up to Varric, I know he is friends with Hawke so maybe he could give me some insight.

“Hawke has something about him. He has been through so much but he still has a way of looking at life that is joyful. I want that. I want to enjoy life. I almost died. I want to feel alive again. I know that Hawke is a temporary fixture and isn’t who I really want, but he seems willing. In fact the only thing that stopped us earlier was Cullen.” I was spilling my guts here, and didn’t know if I should continue or not. It wasn’t like we were having a super private conversation. I shrugged my shoulders not super willing to continue.

“Cullen stopped you from being with Hawke? On purpose?” Varric asked, “What did he say?” He had an eager look in his eye.

“Something about showing me the fortifications he was working on. I’m sure it was important, but I hate it when he goes so formal on me.” I could tell Varric had more to say on the subject, but I don’t think I wanted to hear it. “I won’t expect too much from Hawke if that’s what your worried about. I won’t scare him away or irritate him. He seems like a good guy. I just want to know him better. He went through a lot of the same kind of stuff that I am going through.” I left Varric, then, with a quizzical look on his face and shaking his head at me. I decided to seek out Cole. Cole always made me feel better.

On the way I saw Sera, she looked a little lost so I stopped to talk to her too. She is confusing and confused and I tried to cheer her up as best I could. I know that everything has scared her, but it’s time to take the kid gloves off.

“What do you want Sera?” I asked her.

“I told you, I want things back to normal.”

“No, it’s more than that. You wouldn’t be so afraid or freaked out or whatever if that’s all there was to it.”

“Look, it should be easy right, you believe in something and that’s good enough innit. Then it’s more than that, it’s like real, like really real. It isn’t something you just believe anymore. So why does it just give you more questions and no answers to go with them?” 

“I’m sorry I don’t have answers for you Sera,” I really did understand what she meant and that had me worry a little for my sanity. “I don’t hear Her, if that is what you think. All I can do, all any of us can do, is to do what’s feels right. Hopefully that means, she is with me a little, or enough that I won’t mess up too badly.” She smiled at me then, and surprised me by giving me a hug.

“You’re alright, you are.” She grinned at me, “Let me know if you ever want to blow off some steam.” Then she slapped me on the ass and left. Did she just proposition me? Great, I do need to blow off steam, but definitely not with Sera. I liked her, but not like that. Why couldn’t Cullen be the one to ask me to blow off steam? I sighed at myself, because then he wouldn’t be Cullen and I probably wouldn’t like him as much. Why is it that when I want someone to talk to, everyone else needs someone to talk to too, and why does that someone have to be me? I answered my own question. Because they are my friends and I love them. I smiled, it was very small, but they were all alive, we all survived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I totally mod my game and my outfit is a nod to  
> http://www.nexusmods.com/dragonageinquisition/mods/366/?
> 
> I love flirty and uncommitted Hawke. When I played DA:2 I always gave him a tan, less beard and bright green eyes. Mmmmm.
> 
> I hate how the fight between Varric and Cassandra goes, so I changed it, a lot.


	18. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel continues to visit with her friends. Solas helps her realize a truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is really just some filler. I will get more story soon.

I was back on the search for Cole, I was confused about my feelings and though he never was really good with clarity, I always knew that he would do whatever he could to help. I tried to ignore Vivienne as I walked by, but she wouldn’t let me.

“Goodness my dear, but you are a mess. Let me look at you. We must not let the people see you in such a state.”

“Pretty sure they’ve seen me worse Vivienne.” I told her.

“Yes, but that is only during travel or while fighting when it is acceptable to have dirt and other things all over you, my dear.” Why is it that that particular endearment always seems to sound like she is belittling me? Probably because she is.

“I know you have the best interest of our success at heart, however, I really don’t need you telling me I look like shit. When was the last time you survived a mad darkspawn magister, and subsequent search for hope in the middle of a fucking blizzard? We haven’t even been here a couple of weeks, I’m newly appointed to the role of Inquisitor and you dare to talk down to me in front of our soldiers and followers? When I want your insight, I will ask for it.” Maker she irritated me. Then she surprised me. She smiled.

“Good!” Then she left.

I was shaking my head and bumped into Blackwall.

“Join me. I would like to look at the ramparts.” I nodded. Blackwall is a good man. He is kind and wise, and gives his all to the inquisition. We started talking about the fortifications coming along and he commented that we would be able to see Corypheus coming from miles away.

“We won’t run from him again.” I told him echoing Cullen’s words from earlier.

“Corypheus made a hundred enemies when he knocked down our door, and when he came after you, he really made it personal. I swear I’ll take that twisted bastard down, even if I have to die to do it.” I didn’t know what to think of his declaration so I went with my first instinct.

“No one is going to die taking that bastard down. We will kill him; destroy him, whatever it takes. But we will live to celebrate afterward.” Then he did something surprising, he raised his hand up and palmed my jaw.

“You are remarkable Herald.” Then just as quickly he dropped his hand and started walking off. “Tell me, do you believe that you were sent by Andraste?” He paused to ask.

“I was!”

“I hope you know what you are to these people, to all of us.” Blackwall finished leaving.

I walked away bewildered for the fourth or was it the fifth time that day. I guess survival meant everyone wanted to express themselves. I wasn’t the only one who barely survived, in fact others died. Just because they were nameless faces didn’t mean they weren’t valued. The inquisition is made up of people. Not only my advisors and personal assault team. But also the people who station our camps throughout the Hinterlands, the Storm Coast, and the Fallow Mire, these are the people who make up the inquisition, and I almost forgot them. I promised to keep the inquisition focused on the people. I had needs but so did they. I needed to remember. I walked over to where the surgeons and healers were set up.

Ironically, that is where I found Cole. Solas and Vivienne were arguing to Cassandra over whether or not to let him stay. Cass knew how I felt about the matter, but wanted to know what Cole was. I listened from the sidelines, watching Cole explore his surroundings.

“Stop Vivienne!” I was fed up with her attitude. “You don’t understand, even if he were a demon, I wouldn’t care. He saved me. He saved me and the inquisition from a fate worse than death. Envy wasn’t going to kill me, don’t you understand! Not in the way you think!” I was shouting, and I was crying now, if she thought I looked bad earlier, she was really getting a show now. I was such an ugly crier. I knew my eyes were blazing violet, even though they would be red. My nose would start running and I would have red blotches on the skin of my face, neck, and chest. They didn’t understand. The only one who knew what happened was Cole, and the only one who could possible understand was Cullen. I wanted Cullen but instead I walked to Cole.

 

***

 

Solas watched Jewel go to Cole. He watched as she talked with him. She laid her hand on Coles arm. She was less guarded in his presence. He was a spirit of Compassion who could truly look at the greater good. He could kill without a thought because he knew the Venatori he killed had darker thoughts than the self-protection their group did. Solas knew. Solas knew what she had gone through. He knew what Envy wanted and what he would have done. And the Inquisition would have been powerless to stop it until it was too late. 

How he wanted to go to her, to comfort her. He knew she needed it. He couldn’t let her know that he knew what happened. It would be a violation of her trust. He scoffed at himself. What trust? She didn’t really know him at all. He didn’t share anything with her. Right now Compassion was with her, and that would be enough.

“Well,” Vivienne said, “I sincerely hope that someone keeps an eye on that thing. And we all have demons to deal with. She would do well to remember that.” Vivienne left.

“What happened to her at Therenfal Redoubt Solas?” Cassandra asked him.

“I cannot tell you specifics for she has not confided in me. I can tell you, however, that when Envy wishes to claim a person, he will put them through the most grueling and indescribable horrors to learn how they react. He wants to learn so that he can become them. I believe that is what Jewel meant by a fate worse than death. Just as he took over the Lord Seeker and made the Templars do horrible things, he would take over the inquisition and make it do terrible things. I believe he meant to conquer all of Thedas and then the world, and all under the banner of the Inquisition.”

“We would never allow it.” Cassandra said incredulously.

“We wouldn’t know it was happening. It would be small at first. It would seem the correct path to take. It would be to protect the interests of the people first, then the inquisition. We would have agreed with the demon in the Heralds form. It wouldn’t be until it was too late, that we would begin questioning her actions. Then, Envy would have those who stood in his way killed for Treason to the Inquisition.” Solas was watching Jewel through his explanation. She helped Cole give mercy to a man with no chance at life. As she started coming back over with Cole at her side, he added, “If she wants to share this information with someone, let her and listen. But for right now, she doesn’t want you or me to know her pain.” He was sad about that. Solas would like to be able to give her comfort and council, but right now, it seemed that Jewel relied on Compassion instead.

“Confused. Desire doesn’t matter. Touch her yes, lay with her, yes. Cannot tell her. So many secrets. It’s very painful.” Solas could hear Cole murmuring as they walked over. Cole looked at him then and Solas thought at him to leave it alone, that he could not help. Jewel didn’t seem to find it unusual or even know it was about her. “I love her. She makes me strong. I want to help. I’m glad he was there. I wasn’t enough.”

“Oh, Cole.” Cassandra hugged him then. “Thank you for being there for her. Thank you for being what she needed.” As Cassandra stepped back from what seemed to be a totally un-thought out act, she looked over at Jewel and said. “I am sorry I wasn’t able to help you with Envy and if you ever want to talk, I am always here for you. When you are ready.” Cassandra looked at Solas for a moment and regarded the stunned look that was on his face. “Thank you Solas.”

“I like to be helpful. It is nice to be thanked.” Cole quickly said, then he quirked his head, and vanished.

“What was that about?” Jewel asked Solas. He didn’t want to make her uncomfortable, but wanted to give as much truth as he could, she deserved that much.

“After Vivienne’s much deserved dressing down. Cassandra wanted to know if I had any idea what you had gone through. You have not shared that with me and I told her as much. However, with the experience I have had with spirits and demons in the fade, I shared with her what a demon of Envy might do. It seemed to have rattled her.” Solas looked at her face, closely. She bit her bottom lip as thoughts were pouring through her mind. He could see the pain deep in her eyes. He knew exactly what she had gone through. He knew what tormented her. He knew what haunted her dreams. Perhaps he could reach to her from the fade and keep her terror filled dreams at bay. “Did I overstep Inquisitor?” He didn’t want to hurt the friendship they had established. He wanted her to be comfortable in his presence. He still held onto the feeling of her embracing his other form. She knew no fear of him, of his wolf.

“No, I just didn’t want anyone to treat me differently because of it.” Jewel told him. Solas needed to make her see.

“You heard Cole, Cassandra was thinking so loudly about how much she cares for you, it drowned out anything else. Is that truly different?”

“I guess not, I know she cares for me.”

“We all care for you Inquisitor. You are our leader.” It sounded so dispassionate, quite the opposite of what he was feeling. It wasn’t because she led them. It was because she was grace and beauty breathed into a ferocious and unstoppable package. He would like nothing more than to carry her to his rooms, strip her bare and show her how ferocious and unstoppable he was as well.

“Thank you Solas. I care for you too. You are one of my most trusted friends.” She paused then, and Solas could see she was trying to decide if she should continue. “Did you know that Blackwall cared for me? I mean more than a friend or even a leader, I think even more than he wants to.” He didn’t know that, though he was hardly surprised. She was kind and beautiful and full of life. Who would not fall for her?

“I did not.”

“I’m lonely Solas.” It wasn’t very loud, but he had no problem hearing her. It wrenched his heart. Didn’t she deserve happiness in spite of his magic that she carried on her body? He desperately wanted to hold her. So, just this once, he did. 

Solas reached his arms out and she stepped to him. He surrounded her with his arms. He was not tall enough to lay his head on top of hers so he touched his forehead to hers. It was close and intimate and it would be so easy to kiss her. She just told him she was lonely, but in the end he held her as a friend, even though he wanted it to be more. She smelled sweet and she reached up between their bodies with both her hands to grab onto his collar. As he held her she continued to confide in him.

“I almost slept with Hawke.” Solas had to work hard to tamper down the feeling of possession that came over him. Jewel did not belong to him. Fen’Harel reminded him, that part of her, did. 

“Why?” He asked her. Was she super attracted to him? Did she really want him? Was it just a possible fling? He needed to know.

“I’m not sure,” she backed out of his embrace to look up at him and he felt heavy. “I almost died, I want to live. I want to feel. I knew he was willing. It was in the way he looked at me. I mean he is an attractive man, and he reminds me of Cullen.” She quickly inhaled and covered her mouth after letting the last slip out of her mouth. 

“And now?” He asked her while trying to process this new bit of information. It took her a while to answer.

“Part of me still wants to, but I know I am not really a . . . you know?”

“I do not know.” Solas was puzzled by her. She had a need and yet she wouldn’t sate it.

“I don’t want to think of someone else when I’m with him.”

“You love him.” The words were bitter ashes in his mouth as Solas said them. It didn’t make it less true. That is why she couldn’t just slake her need.

“Oh Maker, I think you’re right.” She stepped into him once more and lay her head on his shoulder. Solas did the only thing he could, he held her. “What am I going to do? He has been so different since Haven was lost. I know he blames himself partially but I don’t know why he is distancing himself.” Solas did. 

“I am sorry Lethalan. What can I do?”

“Nothing. This is something I must face on my own. Thank you Solas.” She lifted her head off of his shoulder then and leaned in and kissed his cheek. Her lips were warm and full and his skin tingled where they had been. He watched her walk away from him.

“You love her.” Cole was suddenly there. Yes, Solas realized it then, these foreign feelings and urges he had to fight to suppress. It has been thousands of years since he had felt anything like it. 

“Many love her Cole.”

“Yes, I love her. Cassandra and Bull. Why is some different. You love her different, Cullen loves her different. Blackwall loves her different. Hawke thinks of her. Flesh meeting flesh, a nice diversion. Great body. Nice mouth. Could be fun.” Solas cringed at what Hawke thought of his Jewel. No not his. “But that is not love. What is love Solas. I know what it isn’t, and I know what it is, but how is it different?”

“It is very hard to explain.”

“Why is there pain and love together? That is what is so different about you and Cullen and Blackwall. There is pain and love.”

“Like I said Cole it is very hard to explain.”

“Will you try?”

“Perhaps later.”

“I made you hurt Solas, I am sorry, I can make you forget.”

“No Cole. Yes it would be easier to forget, but I would lose something too.”

Cole left him then, seemingly satisfied with his promise for later. Solas was unsure with what to do. Was it his own desire for Jewel that made him warn Cullen away? He was a selfish man. He knew jewel had no stronger feelings for him. Even if she did, Solas wouldn’t allow them to get close. He would have to leave when this was over. So what did he want?

He wanted Jewel to be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like Vivienne. (If you can't tell)


	19. Getting What They Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel has her drink with Hawke and gets to know Dorian better. Oh, and Dorian gets to know Hawke better too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is majorly explicit M/M. I didn't want to completely separate it, so if your not into that just skip the part between the ***
> 
> It is so freaking hot though, so I wouldn't skip it XD

Hawke and I did end up having that drink together, and he did give me exactly what I needed.

“You know Cullen and I have been friends for a few years now.” He said to me that night.

“I guess I knew that you two were acquaintances in Kirkwall, but I didn’t know you were friends.”

“I saved his life, well I helped him out of a sticky spot once. We became friends and he saved my life.”

“That is quite a friendship.” I was curious, “Why are you telling me this?”

“I would never do anything on purpose to hurt him, so this will just be a drink Jewel.” He told me.

“So you thought Cullen was acting jealous too?” I asked him.

“I knew I liked you for a reason.” Hawke laughed.

“I thought I was imagining it, or . . .” What did I really know of this man in front of me. Most of what I know of him was from a story that was laced with embellishments. So what did I know?

“Or?” He was smiling. I think he knew, somehow this man who was sexy as hell, knew. What did I know? I knew that I trusted Varric and Varric trusted him.

“Being hopeful.” I admitted.

“Well, not that I’m surprised, but why did you want to have a go with me if you were hoping for Cullen?” Hawke leaned back in his chair at that point and put his feet on the table.

“Because I didn’t realize how much I wanted him until I saw the two of you together.” Oh, the two of them together . . . Maker help me I couldn’t help but chew on my lip as those thoughts and fantasies flew through my head.

“Oh, Jewel honey. Don’t chew on your lip. It puts naughty thoughts into a man’s head.” He settled the chair down and reached over to me and deftly used his thumb to pull my lip out of my mouth. “Don’t make me regret being a decent kind of guy.”

“How do you do it?” I blurted.

“Do what?” He smirked at me.

“You have been through so much, seen so much, killed so many, lost most of your family, and yet you are so happy and easy. I want that.” I immediately saw his face fall and grow serious.

“Jewel, we all have faces that we let the world see, and others that we don’t. I won’t lie to you and say it was or is easy, Varric helps.” He paused and collected his thoughts. “You must find who you are, and then never lose sight of it. I am a happy, somewhat shallow, guy who will give his friend the shirt off of his back and never regret it. I can forgive a woman who single handedly ruined a city for three years, I mean she is really good in the sack, but honestly she came back when it mattered. I was able to bring together a former slave, an elven blood mage, a crazy dwarf, a slutty pirate, and a ramrod stiff soldier and somehow make us an unstoppable force through my wit and determination. But who are you, Jewel Trevelyan?” I pondered and he continued. “When my mother was so cruelly taken from me, I almost lost it. I wanted to throw in the towel and drink and say who cares. It was actually Fenris, and not Merrill, no matter what Varric says, who came to me then.” Hawke smiled remembering. “He told me, ‘If you want to drink your cares away for the next couple of years, you can. In fact, I’ll do it with you. Your mother was as close to Andraste as any woman I’ve ever known.’ I was tempted. He gave me permission, I didn’t know I needed it but it made me feel better. He wasn’t done though, he finished with, ‘But if you do, you will lose who you are, you will no longer be the son she loved. Hawke, you are the man to avenge her and protect others because it’s right, and because you’ll have fun doing it.’ I realized he was right. I snapped out of it and I went on.”

“Your mother would be proud of how well you are doing.” I was really still processing the information he gave me.

“Yes she would.” He smiled, though still in deep thought.

“Although I am sure she would expect you to be settled down with the right woman by now.” I chuckled.

“Oh, you’re good.” Hawke burst out laughing. “And are you volunteering to be the right woman?” I know he is just being cheeky. I can tell by the way he is wagging his eyebrows at me, but I still feel excited by it.

“Hawke, I want to sleep with you in so many ways. I’ve never . . .” Did I continue?

“Holy Andrastes incinerated arse, are you a virgin?” He was incredulous, “I’ve never had a virgin.” Then he was contemplative, running his fingers over his chin.

“No,” I scoffed at him. “Almost . . . I’ve never been satisfied by a man, but I was with one only once.” I admitted. 

“Cullen is so lucky he is my friend.” Hawke rubbed his face in frustration. “Not that I won’t let him think what he will about our ‘drink’. I would love to satisfy you Jewel.” 

“That’s okay, I don’t think I want you to anyway.” I told him.

“Oh, that hurts.” He replied with mock indignation. “I would satisfy you so much and so many times. You would be sore tomorrow.”

“Don’t tempt me.” I chuckled, I really did need this. “I would hate to ruin your long friendship.”

“Oh that’s it!” Hawke leapt out of the chair, got down on one knee, and said, “Will you marry me. I think I need you in my life Lady Jewel Trevelyan. You make me laugh, you are all but innocent, and you are the only person who has gone through weirder shit than I have.” His laughter was infectious.

“Oh, Messere Hawke, I accept. It would give me a pleasure that nothing else could.” I was giggling with him now. 

“Oh, I know something else that would give you great amounts of pleasure.” His comment just made me laugh even more. After dancing around and drinking some more, I started to get serious again.

“Are you happy though Hawke?” I asked him.

“Mostly, I mean usually. I’ve been happy today. It’s just like Fenris said, when I am being myself I am happy. When I am helping others, or joking around, I can’t help but be happy. I can’t always be carefree. There is a lot of crap in the world I have to deal with. And to be honest, the woman that I could have seen myself settle down with, married someone else. She was a force of nature, not beautiful in the traditional sense, but fierce and loyal. Cassandra reminds me of her in some ways. So to answer your question, yes, but I think she would have made me happier. And when are you happy?” 

“I am happiest when I help people, I am happiest when I am kind, I am happiest when I am with Cullen.” I was finally able to admit it to myself, because I was able to admit it to Hawke.

“Don’t be like me. Tell him as soon as you can, before it’s too late.” Hawke took me by the shoulders and then kissed me. 

I’d expected a brief brush of lips. What I got was beyond my experience. He kissed me senseless. His tongue slipped between my lips and I let him. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him back. He was filling me; he was setting my blood on fire. He took the pins out of my hair and wrapped his hands in the thick black waves that fell around us. I wrapped my legs around his waist.

“Oh, Cullen.” I murmured. We both froze.

“Well, that makes things much easier.” He set me down. “I really didn’t mean for that to get away from me. I know Cullen has feelings for you, and we both know you have feelings for him. You need to tell him. And you probably need to avoid getting even slightly drunk with me. Who knows how far this could have gone. Cullen is a lucky man Jewel Trevelyan. I will see you tomorrow when we leave for Crestwood.”

How did I let that get away from me? Because, it was wonderful. I was too restless to go to sleep yet so I went to the library to get a book. As I was up there I ran into Dorian. I hadn’t really talked to him much and thinking back to what Hawke said about what made me happy, I realized I like making others happy. That was my force.

I talked to Dorian. He seems such a good man. He left everything he knew in Tevinter to do what he thought was right. He might be flippant about it, but it was remarkable. He was quick to joke and easy to make laugh. We ended up talking very late into the night and I didn’t even realize it.

“I have no idea what time it is Dorian, but I am so tired. I am leaving tomorrow with Hawke for Crestwood.”

“No, darling, you are leaving today with Hawke for Crestwood. Ooh, speaking of Hawke, isn’t he just made of sex? I may just have to leave you here and go seek him out. Who knows if he’ll be in Skyhold again, I may never get another chance.” I couldn’t tell if he were teasing me or not, but sleep deprivation and drink made me bold.

“Dorian,” I said with mock dismay, “What about us?”

“Sadly darling, that was never meant to be.” He paused for a moment, “I don’t know you impeccably well, but I daresay that if you were a man, I would be in trouble of falling desperately in love with you. You are kind, my sweet, and that is a trait that too few people possess.” I will see you when you return.

“I look forward to it.” I no sooner had the words out of my lips than he was bounding away. I didn’t know if Hawke was into that, but I did know that I left him a little dissatisfied.

 

***

 

If Varrics story was any indication, Dorian didn’t think Hawke would actually accept his offer, but he wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t rouse the Champion up at least a little. Besides, he meant what he said to the inquisitor. Hawke was made of sex!  
Dorian knocked at Hawkes door. “Hello, anybody home?”

“Ungh . . . Are we leaving already?” Hawke opened the door and Dorian almost drooled. Hawkes hair was tousled from sleep, and he was shirtless. His bronzed chest, even though it was crisscrossed with old scars, had muscles that were very clearly defined. His pectorals were firm even in his half drowsy state and the man’s stomach was so defined that Dorian was almost able to spot a fourth row of strong abdominals which were framed by the sexy “V”. Hawkes pants were hanging low enough that Dorians eyes could do nothing but follow the happy trail down and stare at the evidence that he had just woken the man up. “Dorian, isn’t it?” Hawke asked him, “Like what you see?” 

Dorian almost lost his cool but found it soon enough to answer, “Oh, I don’t know. I might have to see more to be sure.”

“As long as I don’t have to leave right now, I would be more than happy to give you a show.” Hawke chuckled and then winked as he opened the door wide in a wordless invitation to Dorian. He sauntered in. It was totally unexpected and Dorian wasn’t totally prepared for Hawke. 

“Well as sexy as your Tevinter clothes are, I am not sure if I will be able to figure them out. So you may want to disrobe before you lay on the bed, unless of course you don’t want them anymore.” Hawke was so cock sure and demanding it would serve him right if Dorian just turned around and left him. Of course he wouldn’t, it had been far too long after all.

“Ah, but then you wouldn’t know what nice little surprises I have attached to my belt.” Dorian teased.

“Well then, should I lie down and you can show me?” Hawke let his pants drop, “or would you like me to explore my way around your ‘belt’ and use a little surprise on you?” Dorian couldn’t think of anything better than having this man inside him.

“Well now, I seem to like the way you think.” He said, implying his own readiness for the bed. He sauntered toward Hawke and stopped, almost touching him, but not quite. Dorian could feel the energy pulsing between them. It thrummed along both of their bodies. It urged him to take one more step, or to lean toward him, but Maker please just touch him. So he did.

Only their lips touched at first, it was slow and slightly exploratory. Then Dorian couldn’t help but moan. Immediately Hawke made it more. He balled his fist in the lower back of Dorians shirt and pressed him into his erection. They were almost of the same height and Dorian could feel his own hardness rub against it. Dorian felt both out of control and controlled at the same time. Hawkes tongue was plunging into his mouth as if claiming him, at least for the moment. It was as if he wanted to taste everywhere and Dorian wanted to let him. But Dorian wanted the other man to know he could give as good as he got, he ran his hands up the firm planes of Hawkes back, not softly, but not too hard either. It was just hard enough that when his hand fisted into the length of Hawked hair at his nape, it elicited a groan of pleasure instead of pain. Dorians tongue battled the other mans, their mouths were at war, both trying to outdo the other, but when Hawke traced the edge of Dorians breeches, slowly dipping below the waist, he gave in.

Dorian stepped away only long enough to unclasp the seemingly complicated outfit with only a few buckles. He was then quickly encased back into Hawkes arms. Slowly Hawke moved then toward the bed. He had his hands all over Dorians body like he was starved for the feel of him. His hands were hot and hungry, pleading and insistent. When the back of Dorians legs hit the edge of the bed, Hawke pushed him back on to it.

Dorian wasn’t on the bed alone for long, however, Hawke was immediately there, on top of him. It was a pleasurable weight. Hawke spread Dorians legs apart with his knees and settled there. Their two cocks rubbing against each other frantically. Their kisses became more and more desperate and needy. Their hands were all over each other’s bodies. Hawke reluctantly disengaged his mouth from Dorians and trailed his tongue down his throat. He nibbled at Dorians collar bone drawing moans of pleasure from him. Teeth, tongue and mouth found their way to his nipples and bit, licked and sucked. Dorian had to grab the sheets, needing to ensure that he was still lying on the bed and not floating away in euphoria. Hawkes tongue left slick trails behind as he went lower and lower, to tangle in the minimal hair that ran below his stomach. Soon his amazing mouth was breathing hot breath over Dorians throbbing shaft.

Dorian almost came when Hawkes hot and wet mouth moved over his hard cock and took it in. It was so good. Hawke moved away only for a moment, he reached over and came back with a sweet yet musky smelling oil that he dipped his fingers into. Dorian watched him as he rubbed the oil over his own erection slowly, erotically. Then he dipped his fingers in the pot for more, and leaned back over Dorian to continue his ministration. As Hawke let his tongue circle around Dorians member, his actions were mirrored by his fingers. He inserted one finger, then two. He was toying with Dorian, stretching him, preparing him. Dorian didn’t think he would last much longer when Hawke suddenly readjusted his position and filled him.

“Holy Maker, yes” Dorian couldn’t help but to scream. It felt so good, this is what he needed, no nonsense sex and amazing release. His fingers found purchase in Hawkes hair and even though he knew he was being none too gentle, Hawke moaned for him. 

“Andrastes tits, you feel so good.” With that proclamation, Hawke reached for Dorians cock and with the oil still on his hands stroked in time with his thrusts, slowly at first and then more and more frantic. Dorian came first but not by much. Hawke was there right after him, a powerful cry emanating from him as he pounded one last time into Dorians ass.

After a moment of heaving and catching their breath, Hawke cleaned them both up. “I wouldn’t mind a wakeup call like that more often.” Hawke chuckled.

“Yes, well on that note, I am going to go to sleep. You have fun going to Crestwood, I think they are getting ready to leave soon.” Dorian chuckled, smacked Hawke on the ass, picked up his things, and walked out onto the ramparts toward his room, naked as a jay bird. “Good Morning.” He said to a particularly startled servant as he walked by.

Hawke could only whistle low under his breath. “I think I like Skyhold.”

 

***

 

I was tired. I was up way to late with Dorian. I looked over at Hawke and he didn’t look the worse for wear. Who knows if he took up Dorians enthusiastic offer or not, and truth be told, I didn’t care. People deserved to be happy. All people, even that bitch Vivienne. I smiled at that. I needed to let her know, or ask her if I could help her in anyway.

“And what are you smiling at?” Cassandra asked me.

“I may just have to tell you later.” I told her.

“Well, now you have me intrigued Inquisitor, pray tell.” This from Hawke, and considering I was thinking about him not that long ago, I blushed. “Oh, it’s that good is it?” He was laughing at me.

“I was just thinking about how hard you grabbed my hair yesterday.” I told him. Cassandra looked puzzled and slightly disoriented. “I’ll tell you later.” I whispered to her.

“Well, if it was as hard as Dorian grabbed mine then I apologize most diplomatically.” He bowed his head toward me as his hand absent mindedly rubbed his scalp. And that answers that question, I thought.

Later that night while we camped I filled Cassandra in on what had happened between Hawke and me.

“You called Cullens name?” She asked me.

“It wasn’t so much that I called it, as I moaned it. And we were only kissing.”

“You have it bad.”

“I know. I am pretty sure, if I’m not in love with him, that I will be soon. Well if he stops putting so much distance between us.” I confided in her.

“Why do you think that is?” She asked.

“Well I think it had something to do with me almost dying. Maybe he didn’t want to be close to someone who was always in harm’s way?” I told her.

“Well he was pretty shocked to see all of your scars.” She told me.

“When did he see my scars?” Holy Maker, I was so embarrassed. Did he see me naked and I not know it. But then how would Cass know it.

Cassandra explained how he came to see me, not naked, but mostly unclothed. I guess I couldn’t be irritated considering . . . but I was. I didn’t show my body to just anyone and when (not if) I showed it to him . . . I don’t know. 

I just don’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My husband always told me when another man said he was a lucky man it meant they wanted to fuck me . . . so I had to put it in here.


	20. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel returns from Crestwood confused and upset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter. You will understand why at the end.

By the time we got back to Skyhold from Crestwood, I was still irritated, no, not irritated, I was pissed. We found Stroud, which is the reason we went, but we ended up having to help the village. I wasn’t mad about that, on the contrary, I was so glad that we were able to prevent more death. The village had been through so much. I couldn’t bear for them to go through more. I didn’t blame the Mayor for what he had done; in fact, he probably saved a lot more people than not. I know no one else agreed with me, but he had a hard choice before him and he made it. The blight could have overcome the entire village if he hadn’t acted. 

What made me angry, what really made my blood boil, were the selfish actions of the wardens.

“Blackwall!” I yelled it out loud almost the moment we entered the gates. “Blackwall!” I wasn’t mad at him, but I needed to understand. “Where is Warden Blackwall?” I shouted to the nearest messenger. He had been training recruits with Cullen, but he raced to meet me.

“What is wrong My Lady?” He asked me. For some reason it made my hand itch, I wanted to slap him. I knew it wasn’t him I was mad at.

“Come with me.” I did not want to have this conversation with him in front of everyone. We walked to the stables and for a moment it took me aback. “Do you sleep here?” I asked him.

“Yes My Lady, it is comfortable for me. I often found such places for rest as I went recruiting.” I guess that made sense. “Now what is the matter?” He asked me.

“Why?” I asked him, the anger was leeching out of me to make way for the real emotion. I was hurt and confused. “Why would the wardens, who only exist to help save the people, abandon them in their time of need?”

He was silent for a while. “I have asked myself that question as well Inquisitor. We have a higher purpose, or that is what we are told. It pains me sometimes as well. We are revered and we are given whatever it is that we need to do our job, because the people need us. But it is easy to forget whom we are serving. I cannot excuse wardens actions, only deem to understand them myself. We have duty. We follow, and that is all, though I know it is not enough.” 

I was thinking about what he said, and though I was still angry, I knew it wasn’t the wardens I was angry with, I was angry with the system, and that wouldn’t change any time soon.

“I understand that you aren’t to blame.” I took a deep breath, “I guess I just needed to rant.” I told him.

“You are welcome to come to me any time my lady.” With that he grasped my hand in both of his.

“Thank you Blackwall, and I am sorry.” I swore I saw him flinch, just a little bit, as I took my hand away to leave. This was so complicated.

I was still upset. Perhaps I could talk to Cole. No, I needed resolution no confused sympathy. I needed to talk with someone who had answers. I would talk to Solas, but later. I was tired.

I decided to talk to him anyway, for I found myself in the rotunda studying his artwork.

“I would really like to know more about you.” I told him.

“You continue to surprise me. Shall we talk somewhere more interesting?” I didn’t quite know what he meant. We always talked here.

We found ourselves in Haven. If I thought it strange, it was so far in my subconscious that I couldn’t even begin to fathom it. We talked then. We talked about how he joined the inquisition. We talked about how he watched over me when they first brought me back. We talked about his struggles and that he was ready to leave. Then he told me when he met me he felt his whole world change. I didn’t want to delve deeper into that statement. I would accept it as he stated it. That when he learned that rifts could be closed the world as he knew it changed. 

“I don’t know where I would be without you Solas. Promise me you will stay with me as long as I need you?” I know that was a huge thing I was asking him. But I could feel how much he wanted to agree.

“That is not a promise I would make lightly, not even here.”

“What do you mean here?” I asked.

“Where did you think we were?”

Holy shit, Haven was destroyed. We couldn’t be here. “This isn’t real.” I said.

“That is a matter for debate, best talked about once you ‘Wake up.’”

I bolted upright in my bed. I knew I meant to get some rest. I had no idea what happened so I went to find Solas.

“Sleep well?” He asked.

“That was remarkable. I had no idea dreams could be like that.” I told him.

“I have not had visitors in the fade often. I wonder if you would be able to seek me out on purpose.”

 

***

 

Solas was impressed and nervous. Could she find him any time as long as they were both dreaming? Part of that thought made him elated another part afraid. He knew how much knowledge you could garnish from watching someone’s dreams. What an amazing connection to share with a person. As sure as he was that it was the mark that allowed it to be so, he couldn’t help but think it was because of the emotional attachment he had for her that allowed her to seek him out. How much control could he have in their dreams? And would she remember them after? The possibilities tempted him.

“Well, I was thinking about talking to you before I rested.” Jewel told him and he wondered if her thoughts were enough or if it was because he was also thinking of her.

“What were you thinking?” Solas hoped he didn’t sound flirtatious. “It may have affected your experience in the fade.” He quickly added.

“I was wondering if the Grey wardens have always been so fucking self-serving even though they are supposed to be about the people.” He could tell she was upset.

“I do not know if I have the answer you seek, Lethalan.” Solas enjoyed calling her Lethalan, but he felt more often than not, like calling her more. “Perhaps Blackwall could help you?” He saw her sigh heavily and so had to ask. “What is it?”

“I actually went to him first.” Jewel slumped in the chaise seemingly exhausted.

“And?” Solas asked her.

“And he has no idea.” Her reply was tart.

“Something else is bothering you.” It was not a question.

“I don’t know how to handle him.” She slumped down further and folded her arms crossly in front of her.

“Is he making overtures?” Solas sounded angry even to himself. He couldn’t help how he felt, but he needed to control his reactions. “That would be inappropriate.” He said trying to justify his anger to Jewel.

“Why, why would it be inappropriate? Is it wrong for me to want companionship? Is it wrong for me to want sex? I am not Andraste. I am not sworn to the Maker. I’m not even sworn to a man anymore.” She was spent. Solas knew she didn’t sleep enough, she needed to rest and to find a way to release her pent up emotions.

“It would not be inappropriate if you wanted his advances, but we both know you do not.”

“Oh, I guess I should apologize for jumping down your throat.” Jewel looked down at the floor. Solas couldn’t help himself, he crouched down before her and placed his hand under her chin to lift her eyes to meet his.

“You never need apologize to me Lathalan. I am here for whatever you may need from me.” Solas released her face and she kept looking at him. He ran his fingers gently over her chin and up the back of her neck. He let his fingers twine in the loose hair at her nape. Solas leaned his head down to rest on her forehead. He only stayed there for a moment before pulling her closer to hold her. “Ma da’assan, ir abelas emma lath.” He murmured to her, knowing she couldn’t understand and feeling safe with his admission. Solas let his fingers play over her back, soothing both her and him. “Halam’shivanas tel’asar. Sahlin ne’numin. Ne’suveri, hamin, him’atisha, in Solas.” 

“That was beautiful, what was it?” Jewel asked him.

“A lullaby.” The lie came easy to his lips.

“Thank you Solas.”

“Of course.” He paused for a moment. “It seems like you need to find a way to release your emotions. I know that The Iron Bull has an interesting technique for that.” Solas had seen the Qunari let Cassandra hit him with a stick a time or two. Perhaps he would let Jewel hit him instead.

“Thanks Solas,” she looked brighter already, “I will ask him.” She kissed him on the cheek and left.

It didn’t take long for Solas to make his way across the rampart to the Commanders office. He had thought this through many times and saw no other solution. She deserved to be happy.

He knocked.

 

***

 

“Enter.” Cullen knew he sounded brusque, but he was tired. He was quite surprised when Solas came in. He hadn’t talked to him since the night that Haven was lost. “Solas? What do you need?”

“I wasn’t wrong.” 

“About?” Cullen was a little confused.

“I told you that the Inquisitor belonged to all of us, to the people. I told you that she was marked by destiny.”

“I remember.” And he did. Every time Cullen looked at Jewel he made himself remember. “What is your point?”

“She is also a person.” Solas said. Cullen stopped breathing. “People have needs, and hers are not being met. I worry for her.” With that the mage turned around and left.

What exactly did he mean? He sat at his desk to think. Cullen had agreed with Solas after their last conversation. He knew it was selfish of him to want even a part of the inquisitor for himself. Cole’s words from that night came back to him again. ‘What if it hurts her?’ He thought back to his interruption of Jewel and Hawke, though he knew they had to have finished what they started. Didn’t they? ‘. . . hers are not being met.’ Cullen jumped out of his chair, a huge lopsided grin on his face. They didn’t. He should go find her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Ma da’assan, ir abelas emma lath. Halam’shivanas tel’asar. Sahlin ne’numin. Ne’suveri, hamin, him’atisha, in Solas.” 
> 
> "My little arrow, I am sorry my love. The sweet sacrifice of duty holds me back. In this moment you may cry. You are weary, rest, become at peace with me."
> 
> This one sentence took about 35 minutes to write. I love elvish and I wish there was more of it. 
> 
> Also a warning, I am having a little more difficulty with the next chapter, or what I want the next chapter to be, and I am working a ton in preparation for my vacation. So I am hoping to get the next done before I leave, but we shall see.


	21. Fun and Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel finds a way to let off some steam.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just kidding, once I got in the right frame of mind, I just couldn't stop. It probably needs more editing, but it was so fun, I had to post it anyway.

“How you doin’ boss?” Bull said as I approached him.

“Crappy actually. I need to release some frustration and Solas sent me to you. He said you had some interesting techniques.” As Bull roared with laughter, I imagined what that sounded like from his perspective.

“Oh, I must thank him. I can sure show you some of my better techniques, but I think we will have to go to your room for that.” I could feel my face light up in embarrassment. “No, aww, too bad. It would have been fun.”

“I’m sure that isn’t what he meant.” I said demurely.

“No, he wouldn’t have sent you to **_me_** for that.” His deep bass rumbled around me. “I wonder though, what he did mean. Ahh, no matter. I know what will help.”

With that he pulled me toward the bar and poured me some Maker forgotten swill that burned my throat so bad I wanted to be sick, but at the same time, the warmth that flowed through my belly and then the rest of my body was worth it.

“That’s what I’m talking about.” He bellowed at me. “Put some chest on your chest, on second thought, anymore on yours and all the men around you would be in trouble.” He poured me another.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I am sure I was a little red, and to cover my embarrassment, I quickly shot back the second glass. At least I hacked a little less this time.

“Yeah, not as bad the second time. The nerves in your throat are already shot.” With that Bull took another drink of his own. He didn’t cough or hack at all. I was slightly aware that I was a very small amount of drunk already, but for some asinine reason, I didn’t want to let Bull out do me.

“Give me another, I am sure they are all gone by now and I’ll be fine.” Just as quickly as Bull gave it to me I downed it. “Ahhh.” There was just a little hitch of a cough at the end. I was satisfied with that and it’s a good thing too. If this is what only three drinks did to me, then who knows what more would have done.

“Hah, I’m only a little impressed with that. You got to do better than that.” Bull said, obviously enjoying the drink himself.

“Here’s to you, Boss.” He poured one more.

“Yes to me, and the fabulous chest on my chest, which you should see when I don’t bind down with a breast band, if you think it’s impressive now.” I shot it back once more. “Cabot, something equally as disgusting but not as strong. I want to enjoy myself, not be a writhing mass of vomit.”

“Wait there’s more?” Bull stared at my breasts blatantly now. “I changed my mind, I think Solas did send you to me for a reason.” I didn’t have to wonder at his insinuation. He was running a finger over my nipples and suddenly I was warmer and it wasn’t just the alcohol.

“Bull, not that you aren’t fucking sexy, and I can’t say that I’m not curious to see you naked, actually now that I said it, I rally am curious, but . . .” I was pretty sure I was slurring my words ever so slightly, but then I lowered my voice and whispered to him, “I’m pretty sure I’m in love with our Commander.”

“Does that mean you’re asking me to stop, oh, and if you think you’re whispering, you’re really not.” He said to me. True enough I started looking around and everyone was staring at me. I was fighting the urge to be embarrassed when Dorian came in.

“Jewel, my love, what have you been letting this heathen give you to drink?” He took one sniff of my cup and made a face. “Oh, darling, this will not do.” He made a signal to Cabot and he brought out a couple of beautiful bottles with warm amber liquid in them. The color . . .

“You know the color reminds me of Cullens eyes. It’s such a sexy color, I would love to drink it down.” I reached for the bottle and Dorians hand covered mine.

“Now wait just a moment darling. This is a sipping beverage. It must be savored.” He spent the next five minutes showing me how to properly smell, and sip, and swish it around. I thought it was kind of funny.

“Like this?” I asked him, swirling my drink so much that it sloshed slightly over the edges.

“You are hopeless, love, absolutely hopeless.”

 

***

 

Cullen went to the Tavern after finding out that was where Jewel was. He was not prepared for what he found.

Jewel was on Bulls shoulders using his horns to steer him. Steer him where? Steer him toward Dorian who was using nothing other than Jewels shirt as a cape. Cullen could do nothing but stare at her in only her breast band, guiding a blindfolded Iron Bull, charging toward Dorian.

“It’s like the blind leading the blind.” Dorian smirked as he barely avoided the huge man running straight for him.

“H’ha. One more for me.” Jewel called as she slid her way off of bulls back, so gracefully that you would never know that she had one drink let alone . . . however many she had. Cullen watched open mouthed as she ran over to the bar, poured a shot of some liquor or another, raced back to Dorian grabbed her top from him, and exchanged it for the glass. “Okay, go.” She squealed. Dorian poured the shot back, coughed, and at that Jewel started jumping up and down in excitement. That pulled Cullen out of his shock. His mind played it over again. Jewels hair in disarray, tendrils wonderfully loose from her normally tidy bun were playing over her collar bone and catching on the fire scars on her shoulder. When she jumped, her breasts were barley contained. Cullen couldn’t help but stare. He couldn’t help but notice how many others were just staring too.

“Makers Breath!” Cullen exclaimed. Loud enough, apparently, to make half of the taverns occupants turn toward him. The room quickly turned silent. “Inquisitor, I . . . would you . . . can I . . . is there . . . could you please put those away?” He stammered. When he realized what he said, he could feel his face flame up. “Perhaps if you would replace your top, I could find my dignity again.” There was nothing else to do but go with it. The thunderous hooting and applause from the room confirmed that was the right approach. He watched as Jewel, laughing, tried to get fully clothed again. He ran his hand over his face in an effort to regain his control. No sooner had he put his hand down and opened his eyes again, than he watched another man pull Jewels top over her chest and smooth it in place. He had no reason to be jealous, none what so ever, it was only Dorian after all. He was as harmless as Cassandra.

“Thank you, my love, for the use of your oh so colorful banner.” Cullen swore that Dorian looked right at him before giving Jewel a light kiss on the mouth. It was more like a brotherly kiss than anything else, but since Cullen had decided to renew his running for the heart of the woman he was in love with not more than ten minutes ago, it didn’t take much to stir up his emotions.

“We will have to use your breeches next time, Sparkler.” Jewel proclaimed and then smacked Dorian quite soundly on his ass.

“Now that I would like to see, though I doubt there anything much better than watching your titties almost shake loose from their binding.” The Iron Bull was roaring with laughter at his own joke. Enough people thought it was funny, for the entire room was in uproar. Even Jewel was laughing.

“Well, I would offer you another show, but we can’t have the Commander here loose his dignity.” She looked at him then, her eyes were ablaze with laughter and mirth. Cullen realized that she needed this as a release for her pent up frustrations. Just as Solas said she would. In his mind, Cullen walked right up to Jewel, pulled the pins from her hair, balled up his fist in it, and let his mouth possess hers. He saw it so clearly in his mind that he had already taken two steps towards her before he realized what he was doing. He wanted to be a part of the joviality. He wanted her to feel comfortable with him. He wanted to feel comfortable with her.

“Well give me some of whatever you’re drinking and I am sure in no time I won’t care what I lose.” The warmth he felt in his face belied the good-humored nature of his words. But as Jewel threw her head back and laughed, her throaty and musical voice calling out to Maker knows what, he didn’t care.

“Well, then get the Commander his three.” Yelled a voice Cullen didn’t expect. Her words were slurred and cheerful, something he never expected to come out of Cassandras mouth.

“Seeker?” He asked.

“Shhhh, I needed this. We all need this.” Cassandra told him as she gestured around the room. Almost everyone was there, he even saw Cole sitting on the edge of the balcony, legs dangling and swinging to the music that was in his own head. Even though Cullen found himself agreeing with her, it was still disconcerting to see her in such a state.

“What’s my three?” Cullen asked.

“Well the first one, starts the numbing process, and the second two are to see if you can do it without coughing.” Jewel told him. She grabbed Cullens hand in both of hers and excitedly dragged him to the bar top, where there are three huge mugs lined up. “Just don’t smell it first.” She grinned at him. It was good to see her like this.

Cullen was eager to prove his worth, of course he could do it without coughing, and he tossed the first mug back. Oh it burned, he may have just hacked up a lung. “Maker, what is that?”

“I have no idea, and I am sure that’s a good thing. Come on you have to catch up.” Jewel said to him.

“Who was able to get the third down without coughing?” Cullen asked the room.

“Well, The Bull of course, and two others.” Casandra told him, “not me.”

Cullen drank the second one, and realized it was easier, though he still coughed and sputtered a decent amount. “Let me guess,” he said once he was able, “Cabot?”

“I’d never let that get within ten feet of my mouth.” The grizzly dwarf stated.

“Blackwall?”

“Nope, I gave up after five.” The older man slurred.

“Think chest hair,” Dorian supplied him a hint.

“Ah, Varric, of course. I guess this isn’t that much worse than the ‘best’ at the Hanged Man.” Cullen mused.

“Hey the best is anything not mixed with rat piss.” Varric interrupted.

“And who was the third?”

“The one, the only, ‘Lady’ Jewel Trevelyan.” Jewel announced as she gave a very flourished bow.

“Just how many of these have you had?” Cullen asked her.

“Only four, then Dorian broke out the good stuff. Well I’m pretty sure it’s the good stuff, I don’t really have any buds on my tongue or feelings in my throat. Or is that feelings in my tongue and buds on my throat?” Jewel quirked her head to one side, pursed her lips, ran the words through her head, then adorably stated, “Nope I was right the first time. Now come on we’re waiting for your third.” She was slightly bouncing on her feet, and biting her lip in excitement. Cullen was not one to disappoint a lady.

“Down it goes.” Cullen saluted Jewel with the glass in his hand. He was determined not to cough this time, and he drank it in one fluid but slow motion. He would not cough, he would not cough, his eyes were tearing up, but he didn’t cough.

“Hooray!” Jewel yelled and the room went crazy, everyone around him was cheering and laughing. Cullen laughed too. It allowed him to alleviate his throat. Maybe it was a coughing laugh, but no one else noticed, all though The Bull winked at him slyly.

The Chargers started singing their tavern song, and everyone joined in. People were adding verses and making words up, it didn’t really matter. Everyone was having a good time, no one was judging or being judged, Cullen was feeling bold. “Cabot, another.” He called. This one went down quite easy, and Cullen was feeling better than he had in a long time.

“Come on Cullen, dance with me.” Jewel came up to him and grabbed at his hands.

“I don’t dance.” He said horrified.

“It’s not really dancing anyway, stupid face.” Jewel stuck her tongue out at him and grabbed Bull instead.

Stupid face? Cullen couldn’t remember a time when anyone called him names since he was a boy. He smirked at the obviously drunk inquisitor. She was adorable, and he wanted to ravish her. She was right it wasn’t dancing, Bull would spin her around, and then she would spin him around. Cullen watched her. He started with her eyes. She was happy, her eyes lit up her whole face. She was so young, it was easy to forget. She had so much riding on her, she had so much responsibility. She was only what, twenty-five? He didn’t even know. The loose strands of her hair seemed to float around her as she twirled around. Her smile was easy, her full lips opened wide in her laughter. Her body was so tight, even while dancing. He knew she practiced a great deal while out of Skyhold, even though Cullen had only seen her in action the once at Haven during her recovery and then for real when they were overcome there. When Bull picked her up and held her body to his own, Cullen was done watching. He got up to go have his turn with her.

“Jewel, whose turn is it next?” Dorian called out before Cullen could get to her.

“Definitely not yours again.” She responded and released herself from The Bull. She also soundly smacked the much bigger man’s shoulder as reproof, which made The Bull chuckle and Cullen feel infinitely better about their dance.

“Turn for what?” Cullen asked.

“Oooh, Varric, tell him the rules.” Jewel said, all excited again.

“Okay Curly, this is how it works. You bet that Angel can’t do something. If she proves you wrong, you have to take a shot, if you’re right, she takes a shot.” Varric was smirking.

“How many times have you done this?” He asked her.

“Um, ten so far I think, right Cassandra ten?” Jewel looked to her friend for confirmation.

“Yes, and I am not taking another turn.” Was Cassandra actually pouting?

“Why not?” Cullen asked her.

“Hmph,” Cassandra made a noise of disgust, “Maybe you should ask Jewel how many shots she has had to take.” Cullen just looked at her. For a moment she looked embarrassed.

“None!” The Bull answered for her. “This girl is remarkable. Oh, but I want to go, I have a good one.”

“Again? This better not have anything to do with my staff again.” Dorian groaned.

“No, but it might involve my staff.” Bulls, laugh was thunderous and the entire crowd started laughing along, including Jewel, obviously this isn’t the first lewd comment of the night. “I bet that you can’t full on kiss me without getting aroused.” Now Bull was stomping his feet with mirth and his chargers were just groaning at him.

“I may have to concede that one, I know there is no way I couldn’t kiss anyone and not be aroused. I haven’t had sex in years.” It was meant to be humorous, but all it did was make Cullens erection almost painful. It was a good thing he had sat back down.

“Well then you best take a drink, Jewel.” Cassandra brought her a glass.

“Aww, can she do that?” Bull asked, “Can she concede without even trying?” The question was directed to Varric, but it was Cullen who replied.

“Yes, she can.” It was stern and to the point. Again, Iron Bull just winked at him. It was as if he knew something Cullen did not.

“Then you come up with something Curly.” Varric challenged him.

“Oh, I bet this will be good.” Cassandra said.

“Well, I wouldn't want to ruin my reputation, I may need a while to think it over. I promise to go next.” Cullen wanted a good one.

“Can I have a turn?” The room went silent as they all looked at Cole. “She wants to have fun, I want to help her have fun.”

“Of course you can have a turn, Kid.” At Varrics proclamation the room started chanting.

“Co-ole, Co-ole, Co-ole.”

“I bet you can’t find me?” Cole said somewhat cheekily and then disappeared.

Cullen searched around for him everywhere. He couldn’t find him, so he knew Jewel wouldn’t be able to, she was much further gone than he. After a little while of everyone looking around, all eyes slowly found their way back to Jewel.

She was still standing there, grinning.

“Watch this.” She said. Then the oddest thing happened. Jewel reached her arms out, and hugged the air. No it wasn’t air, it was Cole.

“Maker’s flaming whore! How did you do that?” Cullen didn’t know whether to agree with the sentiment or stare open mouthed at the person who said it.

Cassandra was red once she realized what came out of her mouth. But eyes eventually turned from her, once again to the Inquisitor.

“That’s easy. Cole is never far from my side. And it takes less energy to stay in one spot.” Jewel nuzzled into the spirit then, she was so proud of herself. It _**was**_ impressive, Cullen admitted that to himself. Now he wanted to be the one to win a challenge. “You can’t drink though Cole, can you?”

“I don’t know, I never tried. I could try.”

“Better not, I have a better idea. Why don’t you choose someone to drink your drink instead.” Jewel suggested to him.

“Okay,” He paused for only a moment before he said, “Dorian.”

“What? Why me?”

“Because you like it when people look at you, I want to make you happy and if you drink this for me they will look at you, especially him. He will be looking at you. . .”

“Enough.” Dorian said, effectively cutting Cole off, “Just give me the drink.”

Cheers went up, everyone was enjoying the game and just as Cole promised everyone was watching him.

“Okay Commander, you have had plenty of time to think it is your turn, what challenge do you have for Angel?” Varric asked. Cullen took one more long drag from his glass before responding.

“Okay, I bet you can’t shoot the notch in that beam from way over there.” Cullen pointed at the opposite side of the room from said beam. He knew sober she would have no problem, but he bet it was a challenge as drunk as she was. But then the room started laughing.

“That was one of the first challenges Curly, try again.”

“Well, I didn’t want to make it too hard. I was going to challenge her to shoot into the door of my office from the roof, but I know she has had too many to drink for that.” Cullen’s false bravado paid off.

“Ooooh.” The room exclaimed. Then there were a score of small conversations going on. “I bet she can do it . . .” “There is no way she can do it . . .” “I just want to see her try to do it. . .”

“How many shots do I get?” Jewel peered at him, one eyebrow raised, lips pursed in thought.

“I’m feeling generous,” Cullen smirked at her while rubbing his jaw, “so how about five.”

“Hah, done.” Jewel grabbed her bow and the whole bar followed her to the roof.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the inspiration to write this chapter came from MaryDragon, for her drunquisitor scene.
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/3662928/chapters/8728561
> 
> I love it.


	22. The Power of Alcohol

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jewel finishes her challenge from Cullen and they get interrupted . . . again!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The credit for this title goes to DFG
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dfg/pseuds/Dfg
> 
> Make sure you all check out her work.
> 
> BTW - I didn't edit this one much, because I got a little drunk to write it and way to excited to post it . . . Yup the power of Alcohol.

Dorian let himself get lost in the crowd as they followed Jewel. He thought for a moment how aptly named she was. She was a gem, a treasure. He loved that sweet and darling girl. He thought again how, if she were a man, he would be in love. As it was, Dorian was thinking about Coles almost declaration. He felt a fool. He knew he was slightly infatuated. He knew he couldn’t help but wonder and imagine. What he didn’t know was that he was thinking about him as often as he was. Cole had been right. Dorian did want The Bulls attention. Iron Bull. Hah, he was a Qunari who slept with any tavern wench who proclaimed any sort of interest at all. There was nothing to do, but get over it. It was one thing to have one night of non-committal sex with a man of Jewels acquaintance that wasn’t going to be here for long. But Bull was someone she relied upon, he really didn’t want to do anything to hurt that, or hurt her.

And on that depressing thought, Dorian went to go see what he could do to help his little jewel and Cullen get together.

 

***

 

Cassandra watched Jewel bound onto the roof. The only sign of her obvious intoxication was a slight slide; she recovered perfectly, however, and leapt once more onto the beam that ran across the top of the slanted tavern roof. Jewel made her way to the very end. Cassandra knew that even in this state she would make the shot. Not with the first arrow but before the fifth. Cassandra found herself looking through the crowd for the dwarf.

She had been very ungenerous to the man after finding out about Hawke. Even so, he gave her the next chapter in the Swords and Shields series. It was wonderful. He was by all accounts a generous man, and much deeper than his tales made him out to be. There he was. He was almost right next to Jewel, which wasn’t a surprise. He was trying to give her pointers. He was so cocksure. Even her own thoughts made her scoff. It was wonderful how easily he made her laugh, not that she would admit it. It was usually later that she laughed, when she was no longer in his presence, though she couldn’t help a quick quip once and a while. She usually found a way to cover it up. At least she hoped she did.

She did love his chest hair, and she couldn’t help but think of the author during the steamier parts of his novel. She hadn’t even seen a dwarf unclothed before. She imagined that he would be thick, and that he would fill her. Her thoughts were getting away with her, she almost missed Jewels first shot.

“Oooh,” went the crowd, her shot was far too high.

“Now, Angel, make sure you are reading the wind . . .” Varric started in on her.

“Shut up Varric, can’t you see what she is doing?” Cassandra interrupted him. “I am three sheets to the wind, and I can see what she is doing.” Varric started walking toward her then, leaving Jewel and her adoring fans, including Cullen, alone.

“And what is she doing, Seeker?”

“Using a bow is so much different than a crossbow, especially one as tricked out as Bianca.” Cassandra said and Varric started to laugh.

“We should get you drunk more often, Seeker. You’re more fun like this.” Varric snickered at her.

“You should see just how fun I can be.” It came out of her mouth accidentally. She needed to temper her thoughts before she gave herself away. “I mean, if I drink upset, you would not want to be around me.”

“Come on, it couldn’t be any worse than you trying to kill me.” He smirked at her.

“Hah,” Cullen yelled out as Jewel missed once more. This time much too far to the left.

“So what is she doing then, Seeker, if you are such a brilliant archer?” Varric asked her once more.

“The first shot was measuring how strong the wind was. That’s why it was so high. From this distance it is the only way.” Cassandra watched Varric consider.

“Well what about the second?” He asked.

“The second was at the right level, she was seeing how much of a bend in the travel she could get.”

“You are right as usual, Seeker. Why don’t you ever use a bow?” He asked her.

“Hmpf,” Cassandra let out a disgusted noise, “I said I knew what she was doing not that I could do it. But you watch. She will get it in the next shot.”

“You’re quite the woman Cassandra.” Varric said. It made her giddy, and she didn’t want to think about why.

“You don’t often call me by my name Varric, why is that?”

“Maybe because you scare the shit out of me.” Varric proclaimed to her.

“So right now I am not scaring you?”

“No, right now you are intriguing me.”

Cassandra couldn’t deny to herself how good that comment made her feel, and she wondered what Jewel would say in this moment.

“Well, I hope I continue to do so.” Ooh, that sounded a lot more like flirting than she wanted it to. “Watch, Jewel tore off some of her fletching for curve.”

“Well, I’ll be.”

 

***

 

Cullen didn’t know much about using a bow, but he was surprised by how much jewel missed the first, shot. It wasn’t even close.

“Hah,” He cried out, “You missed that one too.” The second arrow flew wildly to the left.

“Just you wait Commander, I still have three more tries.” She was slurring her words almost comically, but then she added under her breath, “but I only need one more.”

“A little cocky are we?” He said.

“I hope to be much cockier later.”

He thought he would be excited at making Jewel have to drink that shot, but now, he really wanted her to hit her target. Cullen watched then as Jewel ran her tongue down the shaft of her arrow, grabbed the fletching between her teeth and tore part of it off. He was so distracted by the pure sensuality of it, that he didn’t have a chance to ask her what she was doing. He watched as she nocked her arrow, drew it back, took a deep breath, and let them both loose.

The crowd roared, some of them were cheering so gustily that they fell off the roof into the bushes below. There it was, the arrow firmly planted in the door leading from the battlements to Cullens office.

“Well Andrastes knickers!” Cullen was impressed, quite impressed in fact. “How did you do it?”

Jewel explained something about the wind and its effect on moving objects. He didn’t get anything out of it other than, Jewel Trevelyan was an amazing woman and he wanted to make her his in ever carnal sense of the word.

“Drink, drink, drink . . .” the crowd started cheering as they made their way back to the bar in the tavern.

Cullen let Jewel lead him to the bar top. He watched her graceful fingers as they curled around the tapered top of the bottle, almost caressing it. She turned it ever so slowly and watched as the amber liquid filled up a small glass. Jewel picked it up and leaned in extremely close to him to hand it over. Her free hand braced herself on his chest for balance.

“How is it that you can stand perfectly still on top of a roof to make one hell of a shot, but now you can barely prevent yourself from falling over?” Cullen asked her.

“Maybe, I want to fall over now, and before I didn’t.” Oh, she was a cheeky one sometimes. Cullen thought again how good it was to see her relaxed and comfortable. He also wondered if there was anything other than alcohol to let her be so easy.

Cullen reached up to take the glass from her. His fingers brushed over hers sending an electric chill through him. Maker, he had it bad. He let his hand linger, he allowed the fingers of his free hand reach up and run lightly over her hand on his chest. About the same time he thought about leaning into her the crowd started chanting again.

“Drink, drink, drink . . .”

Cullen chuckled and shook his head at himself, he would never get a break, and he leaned his head back taking the strong alcohol into his mouth as he did.

“Okay, who’s next?” Yelled Dorian.

“No, one is next.” Jewel said, “That last one really took it out of me.”

 

***

 

The mood in the tavern went somber as I made the announcement. I didn’t really care, besides I wanted to sit here and talk to Cullen. I was using my drunkenness as an excuse to touch him every chance I got. And I wanted more.

“I don’t think, I have ever seen you drink so much, Commander. It looks like you’re having fun.” I ran my hand over his furry pauldrons and reveled in the texture.

“I am, not to mention the excellent company.”

“I feel like my exploits on the roof have sobered me up somewhat. I hope you are satisfied.” I pouted to him and rested my head on his shoulder for only a moment.

“Well then you must have another.” Cullen said.

“No, I am quite far gone and I would hate to do something like vomit on your boots or jump into your bed.” Holy shit, did I really just say that. “Not that I wouldn’t want to be in your bed.” No! No, no, no, no. “What I mean is . . . I am sure it is a very nice bed . . . and I seem to be quite intoxicated after all.” I wanted to lay my head on the counter in shame. This is not how I imagined this conversation going at all. Cullen laughed.

“I am sorry, it is just usually that I am the one finding myself tongue tied around you.”

“And why is that do you think?” I was recovering my bravado now. “After all, I could think of better uses for your tongue.”

Cullen stared at me, his gaze intense, he smirked. He was so fucking sexy. He leaned in toward me. Oh Maker, would this be it? Will he finally kiss me? I started out by staring into his brandy eyes, as he came closer, I closed my own.

“Inquisitor!” In came a messenger. My eyes flew open, Cullen stopped moving and his sexy smirk started turning into a frustrated scowl.

“Yes.” I grumbled loudly. “What is it?”

“Lady Josephine would like you and the Commander in the War room at once.” He said, and left.

“Just this once can I shoot the messenger?” I pleaded to no one in particular.

“Quite.” Cullen looked at me, his eyes were dark with passion. This is what the women that serve in the kitchens call bedroom eyes. Maker, I wanted him.

“Shall we?” I sighed fully resigned. We both got up, much less cheery now that we had to work. There is nothing like the prospect of the war room to sober you up.

Well almost.

“No, I am not doing dancing lessons. I am not doing etiquette lessons. I am fully aware of how all of the stupid court shit works. I know that Orlais takes it more seriously, but right now. I don’t care. I want a bath, and I want to sleep.” At that I remembered my earlier comment to Cullen and turned bright red.

“Is there something wrong Inquisitor?” Leliana smirked. I am sure she knew perfectly well that I was drunk, so I flat came out and said it.

“I am drunk.” Josephine inhaled sharply. “Oh, give it a rest Josie. I am allowed to let loose, this was a last minute meeting after all. Don’t you agree Commander?” I folded my arms under my breasts lifting them up suggestively.

“Why yes, you are entitled to leisure time I am sure.” Cullen was playing cool.

“As are you, ser.” I couldn’t help it, I started busting up laughing. It didn’t take long for Cullen to join in. He was trying so hard to keep a straight face, but we couldn’t stop. Again Leliana had a smirk on her face, but Josephine was incredulous. One look at her face and I started laughing all over again. I had tears streaming down my face, and Cullen was almost as bad. I leaned into him for support and almost fell over. He caught me easily and once again the sexual tension was there. I let the laughter ease off and got a hold of myself. I did not want Cullen to think my desire for him was ‘just’ the drink.

“Now, if you will excuse me, I want to sleep for at least eight hours, and I believe that Cullen deserves the same respite.” I turned and left, totally aware of Cullens eyes on the sway of my hips. I would have to finish this soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for my regular readers and the concrit. I love it and I love you all especially Eisen - http://archiveofourown.org/users/Eisen/pseuds/Eisen and DFG - http://archiveofourown.org/users/Dfg/pseuds/Dfg
> 
> And of course the inspiration for writing at all goes to zombologue and MaryDragon  
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/zombolouge/pseuds/zombolouge  
> http://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryDragon/pseuds/MaryDragon
> 
> You guys all rock.


	23. First Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's about time right?

I woke up with a headache.

“Maker, what did Bull give me.” I mumbled to myself. First things first, I went to see Dorian. He has bragged about his hangover cure, and until now, I have had no need to use it. I knocked at his door.

“Ungh, go away.” I heard him say.

“Dorian, it’s me. Please let me in.” Every word made my head hurt. I heard scrambling in his room and then the door cracked open.

“Come in my love. Though I should warn you,” He grinned and threw open the door, “I sleep naked.” My mouth dropped a little. I had never really seen a man fully naked before.

“Holy Maker, do all men look like you?” I asked him.

“Now what in the world does that mean?” Dorian responded. I turned bright red and walked into his room with my head down.

“Well, I’ve never seen a naked man before.” I confessed. Besides if you couldn’t confess to Dorian, than whom could you confess to?

“Didn’t you see Dominic?”

“No. I mean I have seen plenty of men without their shirts on, but they still didn’t look like you.”

“You mean absolutely breath taking and drop dead gorgeous?”

“Yes, I guess that’s what I mean.” When I could finally stop staring at his body, though I knew he didn’t mind, I asked him. “How are you so chipper, you drank even more than me?”

“Ah yes, two things. The first is, I drink more often than you and it takes me a lot more to get as drunk as you were.”

“And the second?” I asked him, my head still throbbing.

“The second is this.” He handed me a little vial out of one of his drawers, one of many little vials.

“Sheesh, I hope you don’t run out.” I rolled my eyes and it hurt my head.

“Well, then I would just make more. Fair warning, don’t smell it and drink it as fast as you can.”

I unstopped the bottle and took a whiff of it anyway. “What is this, Druffalo piss?”

“Among other things and I **_told_** you not to smell it. You still have to drink it down.”

“I think I’ll deal with the headache.” I told him as I tried to hand it back.

“Nope, you are going to speak with that delicious Commander of yours, and you can’t do that feeling like you are.”

I thought about the night before. I thought about Cullen. Dorian was right. I would talk to him today. He needs to know how I feel.

“Fine.” I growled at him. I shot back the disgusting elixir and almost gagged. But mere moments afterward, I felt better. It was almost instantaneous. First my stomach was no longer queasy, then my head felt normal, then my limbs were rejuvenated. “Holy Maker, you could make a fortune selling that stuff.”

“Hah, no one would buy it if they knew what was in it.”

“Oh, virgins monthly blood? Dragons tears? What?”

“Druffalo piss.” He started laughing hysterically and I couldn’t help but join in.

“I guess your right then.” I sighed and looked over at him again, “My question still stands.”

“What question?” He was toying with me, I knew it. I sat down on his bed and threw a throw pillow at him.

“Oh, that question. The short answer is, no.”

“And what is the long and detailed answer?” I asked him totally unashamed.

“Sweet Andraste, Jewel. I don’t usually talk about my anatomy with women.”

“Then pretend I am a man.” I said and Dorian laughed.

“If you were a man, I would have showed you my anatomy and taught you exactly how to use it by now.”

“Oh.” I just blushed and said. “Thank you?” At least I made him laugh. Dorian started getting dressed so I asked him, “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“No, I’m cold. But I do want to help you luv, I really do. So the first thing is what? What do you want first?” Dorian really made me think about it.

“I want to kiss him enough to curl his toes and mine too. I want to touch him.”

“Where?”

“Everywhere, anywhere. I want to make his skin hot because that is what he does to me.”

“Darling, you are making **_my_** skin hot and you are just talking. I think for now you should just follow your instincts. Later if you need more, I will help you.”

“Promise?” I asked Dorian. He pulled me toward him and wrapped his strong arms around me. He held me to him tightly, then came a moment of seriousness that I hadn’t seen from the mage before.

“Jewel, I want you to know that I love you. I love you like I have loved no one before. If you were a man, I would probably get down on bended knee right now. So know that I will do everything I can to make you happy.” Dorians admission made my heart skip.

“Oh, Dorian. You make me wish I were a man so I could be the one.” We stopped speaking for a moment and just held each other. “Is there anyone who has caught your eye? I mean Cole said there was someone.”

Dorian sighed then and let me go. He looked down for a while before speaking. “What would you say if I said it was Cullen?”

“I would say too bad, get your own man. It’s a good thing it isn’t though.”

“Oh, I don’t know he is so sexy, and he has an amazing body right?”

“I tell you what, I will fill you in on the details as soon as I get them . . . if you tell me who you’re pining for.”

“It isn’t so much pining as it is part curiosity and part admiration.” He paused and I could tell he was about to get a little deep on me. “When you are like me, you are lucky to have some casual encounters, I mean it’s great if all you want is phenomenal sex . . .”

“But . . .”

“But, I want more. I want to wake up next to the same person every morning without being bored. I want to know that there is someone there for me, not just for my body and amazing fashion sense, but because they want to hear how my day was. I want to not hide who I am.”   

“It sounds like you want what everyone wants?” I was a little puzzled.

“It’s different for people like me?”

“Mages?” I asked.

“No,” he rolled his eyes, “Men who prefer the company of other men.”

“Why is it different, I know other men like you? My brother . . .” I trailed off for a moment. “I guess he hid it even from me didn’t he?”

“In Tevinter it’s all well and good as long as it’s behind closed doors. Here it’s all well and good unless your nobility. I want to find someone who thinks it’s just all well and good.”

“And you don’t think the man you like would think so?”

“I think he’d be fine with it, I don’t think he’s the committing type though, and I don’t want just another random fuck. Those I can find anywhere.”

“So you’re waiting?”

“Yes.”

“And you won’t tell me?”

“Later, once I have a better read on the man. For now, let’s talk about what you are going to do.”

“Well, I thought I would just go up to him and say ‘I love you, take me to bed.’ What do you think?”

“Ah . . .” He knew I was teasing right? “I think you’ll be fine.”

“I guess . . .” I sighed. “I guess I will just tell him that I like him and want to spend more time with him. But first I’ll lean very far over his desk so he has a good view. A good view always helps.”

“And may I say you have quite the view at your disposal.”

“Well, on that note . . . Thank you for the elixir.” I jumped off of his bed and went out the door.

“Jewel!” He called to me and I paused to look back. “Good luck darling, and tell me how it goes. Oh, and chew on this before going to see him.”

"What is it?"

"Mint, you just drank Druffalo piss after all."

I saluted him before leaving and shoved the leaves in my mouth. I was so much more nervous than I let on.

What I felt for Cullen was a mountain compared to the hill that I felt for Dominic. He was such a good friend. I loved talking to him. I loved playing Chess with him. I kept nothing from him and he kept nothing from me. I knew all of the dark in him. I knew all of his mistakes. He wasn’t the friend that I tittered or gossiped with, that was Cassandra. But when I needed solace, or when I needed to share my nightmares, it was always Cullen I would seek out. He was alarmingly attractive, with his soft blonde hair that I could almost feel in my dreams. I imagined the soft curls wrapping around my fingers as I pulled his head down to kiss me. I could see his honey liquored eyes, dark with desire, staring into mine. I pictured his lips with his devilish smirk right before they touched mine. Whenever he held me or brushed his hand against my face, I would ache to have him between my legs.

I walked slowly across the rampart to his office. I had walked it many times before. Dozens actually, but this time each step seemed a mile, each breath seemed to take forever and had a slight hitch to it. Even with the ostensibly long road before me, I was at his door before I was ready. I spit out the mint, took one more deep breath, opened the door, and walked in like I had a hundred times before.

“I thought we could talk,” Maker I was so nervous, “alone.”

“Alone? I mean of course.” He said.

He motioned me out of his office and onto the ramparts. So much for me leaning over his desk seductively, though I would have probably messed that up anyway. We walked in silence through the dilapidated room that we didn’t really have a use for, so we didn’t bother fixing, yet anyway.  I was thinking about what I should say. I was going through multiple ways this conversation could go in my head. I should be direct right to the point. Or I could play it off with humor that is what Varric would tell me to do. Shit, I totally missed what Cullen just said.

“What?” I asked.

“It’s . . . there was something you wished to discuss?” He asked me. Well here goes nothing. I stopped and placed my hand on the rampart.

“I find myself thinking of you, well, all the time actually.”

“Thank the Maker.” He sighed, “I think of you all the time, but . . .”

“But what?”

“You’re the Inquisitor. We are at war, and you . . . You belong to so many. I didn’t know if I could be selfless enough to share you with them or selfish enough to even claim a part of you. It doesn’t seem possible to do both.”

“I’m still a person I’m not just a title. There are two parts to me and I think having you claim one part will make the other better.”

“You do? Well then, it seems too much to ask, but I want to.” Cullen looked at me. His amazing mouth curled up in that sexy smirk of his. He was slowly moving toward me. My breaths started getting heavier. His thumb grazed my jaw as his large palm cupped my neck. Only a moment later his hand moved further up so his fingers could intertwine in my hair. He leaned down toward me, slightly pushing me against the wall behind me. His other hand moved to my waist. I could feel his breath, I closed my eyes.

“Commander.” The messenger said brusquely. I immediately pulled back, not even aware of the fact that I had been leaning toward him, and looked anywhere but at that stupid man who would be cleaning the soldiers privies. I swear to the Maker if we even have a moment without interruption, I will strip my clothes off so fast . . . “You wanted a copy of sister Leliana’s report.”

“What?” Cullen growled at him. He was obviously as irritated as I was. But I suppose, it was our job after all.

“Sister Leliana’s report. You wanted it delivered without delay?” The courier looked at Cullen’s face and whatever he saw there made him flinch. He started looking anywhere else, so his eyes landed on me then as I stood there fidgeting and obviously uncomfortable. This sucked.

He is a busy man. He keeps our whole army trained, armored, prepared, and whatever else. He also makes sure there are guard rotations and that all of our men are treated fairly. He is a good man and I am sure he will have to go take care of that. I guess I will just have to make his toes curl and his skin hot later.

“Or . . . to your office . . . right.” The man stammered. Okay he left. I guess I won’t make him clean the privy after all.

“If you need to . . .” I didn’t even get the words out of my mouth before he took it with his own and all I could do was moan with pleasure. His hands grasped my face and he opened his mouth over mine and tasted me deeply. I was plunged into a pool of warmth. It surged all around me, pulling me under, turning my stomach upside down until I was lost in Cullen. It was moments before I was sane enough to even rest my hands at his waist. It was over before I wanted it to be.

“I’m sorry, that was . . . um . . . really nice.” Cullen said to me. All I could think was yes it was and don’t fucking stop. At least I was able to say something intelligible.

“That was what I wanted.”

“Oh, good.” Was all the warning I got before he leaned into me again. His mouth was hot and I loved the feeling of the slight stubble of his chin against my cheek. My hands found themselves rising of their own violation, dragging against his chest before finding home in the soft curls at his neck. I didn’t want him pulling away from me again. He tasted of wine and something else. I was pretty sure that something else was Cullen. I inhaled his scent deeply as our mouths were moving wildly against and within each other. Heat raised from him in waves and I wanted to be closer to him. I let my tongue tangle with his and he responded with a deep, almost primitive groan. I needed to be closer to him, I could feel myself throbbing and my body automatically sought out his. I pressed closely to him. Close enough to feel the evidence of his arousal. A growl of satisfaction rumbled low in his throat. He drowned me in his scent, his touch, his strength until I knew only the thrusts of his tongue and the tightening of his powerful arms at my waist. Never had I known such a kiss – it was claiming me, marking me. I was his.

When Cullen pulled away, my hands were tangled in his hair and his breath was rough.

“Not here. Not now. Not yet.” I didn’t know if Cullen was telling me or himself and I didn’t know whether to mourn the return of his good sense or the loss of mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is why all the interruptions early on. Cullen couldn't stand the thought of being interrupted yet again. I briefly thought about writing it from Cullens POV but, well, I didn't. :D
> 
> I have to give a nod to DFG because I love the idea of a magical hangover cure. I want one . . . so bad.


	24. It's So Hot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Western Approach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm baaaack. It's a short chapter and I imagine it will be slow going.

It was hot! It was dry! The evaporating sweat did little to cool me down. The sun of the Western Approach poured over the four of us not caring whether we survived or not. Bull didn’t seem to care as he wore such a small amount of armor anyway. Dorian shed his over tunic leaving part of his muscular torso completely exposed. Cole didn’t seem to mind at all as he whistled a happy tune to himself. I have never wanted to cut all of my hair off more in my life. It was falling out of my bun in sweaty wet tendrils that hung over my shoulders and caught in the front of my armor. The leather that I usually wore clung to me in the worst way.

“Hey boss.” Bull shouted to me. I looked his way too weary to say anything. “Has anyone told you how hot you look!” He roared with laughter at his own joke.

“Leave the poor girl alone Iron Bull, can’t you tell she’d miserable enough as it is?” Dorian came to my rescue, though I didn’t particularly care about jokes at my expense.

“Ah, you’re just no fun because you can expose your chest without anyone caring.” Bull responded.

“But, The Iron Bull,” Cole cocked his head to say, “you care!”

That seemed to stop the banter for now, but Dorian kept looking at me like we shared a secret. I couldn’t for the life of me imagine what. I couldn’t think right now. As we trudged through the blistering sand and the heavy air on our way to meet Stroud and Hawke, for a moment I thought I saw a reprieve. Then I realized that the heat in the air was playing tricks on me.

“It is real Angel.” Cole said.

“What’s real Cole?” Dorian asked

“The water, she wants to take her clothes off and jump in.”

“Be my guest, I’ll only look a little.” I knew Dorian was teasing but it still made me blush. Not that anyone could tell with my face already red. 

“Fuck it.” I ran toward the little waterhole at the base of the cliff, taking my sweat soaked armor as I went.

“All right!” Bull yelled at me. I bit my thumb at him which only made him laugh. 

I only had a moment of reprieve before Cole brought me my things. 

“They are waiting.” He said. 

“Hawke and Stroud?” I asked him.

“Yes but Dorian and Bull wait as well.”

“I haven’t been gone long.”

“They wait for each other, not for you.”

“What do you mean Cole?” I asked him.

“They are both waiting for the other to say something. They both want to talk more, but they both wait. I don’t understand. It would hurt less if they said something.” Cole had the most adorable expression on his face.

“Ah,” I looked for a way to explain it to Cole. “Do you remember when I couldn’t talk to Cullen about how I felt?” I asked him.

“Yes, but then you did and it was better. It will be better if The Iron Bull and Dorian talk.” He said still not understanding.

“Well, I was afraid.”

“Fear doesn’t stop you. . .” He paused to think for a moment, or remember, I wasn’t sure. “Yes, you were afraid that the Commander didn’t want what you wanted.”

“Do you understand now why they don’t speak?” I asked him.

“Because I need to tell them that it’s okay.” Cole said before disappearing to do just that I assumed.

“Shit! Cole!” I jumped out of the water and tried to put my clothes on while I was still wet. “Damn it!” I was jumping up and down trying to shimmy into my leather breaches with wet small clothes on.

“Your right Cole, I needed to see this!” I heard Bull say.

“What the . . . Cole!” I yelled good naturedly and Cole was grinning while Bull and Dorian laughed.

“It wasn’t time, but they could laugh, and you can laugh, and we can save the Wardens from themselves.”

Coles last comment sobered me up slightly, but I wasn’t ready to get serious yet. “Cole did you just pull a practical joke?” I asked him.

“Yes, I think so. Varric said it could make things better and it did.” I knocked his hat off and ruffled his hair.

“Well, let’s go Angel. We may as well get this over with.” Dorian pulled me to the matter at hand, but I was still wondering about the conversation Cole and I had. I wasn’t sure if I should push things along or not.  
I was still contemplating when we came upon Hawke and Stroud waiting at an entrance to an old ritual tower.

“Took you long enough!” Hawke said as he slapped Dorian on the rear. Did Bull scowl? I wasn’t sure, it was so fast. 

“Well, Jewel had to stop to strip for us.” Bull told him.

“I didn’t exactly strip for you.”

“That’s right, it was for the water.” Cole explained, but Hawke still looked baffled.

“What, I was hot.”

“Yes, your worship, this is the Western Approach. It is hot.” Stroud said. “Now to the matter with the wardens.”

“Way to ruin my fun.” Hawke ribbed him good-naturedly.

***

Even Bull’s antics couldn’t drag me out of my foul mood on the way back to camp. It was horrible. Mages killing their comrades in arms against their will to summon and bind demons. I was disgusted, I was aghast, and I really didn’t know what to do about it. The answer came upon me as a loud screech filled the sky.

“Tell me we’re fighting her Boss.” Bull said.

“Oh, yeah. We’re fighting her.” I needed a way to release my pent up rage.

Little did I know that my rage was only going to build to find that stupid beast. I swear everyone wants something.

What felt like days later, I was baiting traps to find the dragon. 

It was a good fight. She had quite a hoard, and I was glad to have something good to bring back to Skyhold along with all of the Shit. 

***

We stopped in Val Royeaux on the way. Lelianna had a lead on Calpernia, leader of the Venatori. 

Poor Bastard. No one deserves to die that way. We did find something interesting though. I didn’t know what to make of it. Dorian said it was a memory Crystal from Orzamar. I couldn’t wait to ask Dagna. 

***

By the time we reached Skyhold, I was exhausted. I only wanted to see a certain Commander and then my bed. I could sleep for days. 

“Your Worship.” It was out of the messenger’s mouth before I was fully off my mount. “You’re needed in the War Room. Messere Hawke reported back and they are discussing options. I was told to bring you as soon as you arrived.”

“Very well,” All I could do was sigh, “I am on my way.”

“Sir!” He was waiting, obviously meaning to keep to his directive and escort me there himself.

He walked me as far as Josephine’s office, and as he excused himself, I overheard Hawke talking to Varric.

“You did well Varric. The Inquisitor is just who we need.” Hawke said before he saw me coming.

“I hope you’re talking about me.” I asked with a fatigued smile on my face.

“None other.” He said. “I just gave Cullen my full report and it seems he had a report to give me as well. Well done Jewel. He seems more relaxed than I’ve seen him in years.” He leaned down to give me a soft kiss and whispered in my ear. “Take care of him. He is a good man and he deserves you.” Louder he told us, “I’m going to rest up. I know there will be something big on the horizon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stopped writing for a long time. There was a death in my family that took a long time to get over. My writing style will probably be different and I am not sure how quickly I will turn out chapters, but I can't not finish my story of Jewel and Cullen. 
> 
> As always I really do appreciate constructive coaching.


	25. Getting to Know All About You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I imagine a large group of people traveling all the way over to Adament would take quite a while. So on the journey over we learn more about the people we travel with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so for those of you who don't know or don't remember, (after all my last update was what almost 2 years ago), I drink a lot when I write. I actually had an outline for this chapter and everything and I got so caught up in the first part, that it needs to be its own chapter. I also imagine all of these people are stressed out and lonely. If you think you might die, why wouldn't you reach out to gain comfort from another human being.

We were discussing options at the war table when Jewel . . . the Inquisitor came in. She lit up the room and he could not wait to have her in his arms now that he was allowed to do so. Upon closer inspection he could tell she was exhausted. 

“Are you all right, Inquisitor?” Josephine asked before he could.

“Just tired, what do you have for me.”

As they disclosed their well laid out plans, he was glad that all she needed to do was agree.

“This will be bloody.” It was a statement, but the sorrow in her eyes was evident. She did not want to send our men out to die.

“It will be hard fought.” Cullen said to the room, “but there is no other way.” He knew that men would die, he knew that the fortress would prove difficult to overtake, he knew that there would be demons, that there would be ensorcelled mages, that there would be experienced warriors. And he knew that she had to go, that His Jewel had to go. To talk to Commander Clarel and to destroy whatever demons the wardens had already summoned. She had to go as the Inquisitor and as the Herald of Andraste. They, neither of them, had choices. 

Cullen was deep in thought as they all left the war room. He knew all of this before he kissed her. It was hard before, but now that he could call her his, it was agony. He had almost gotten carried away on the battlements. He stopped himself even though he knew they both wanted it. Their relationship was too new. He needed her to know that this was more than physical. He needed to show her how much he cared. He was distracted as he arrived back at his office. He leaned against his desk and felt something hard in his pocket. He reached in and realized what it was.

He had an idea.

Cullen raced back toward the war room, but stopped short at Josephine’s desk. He whispered to her. Josephine nodded and giggled ever so slightly. Cullen went back to his office to prepare. As soon as they were finished at Adament, he would be ready.

***

I stopped to chat with Dagna before going to see Cullen. I needed her to create some runes that would help fight the demons. I knew little else of what to expect, only that there would be foul magic and demons being summoned.

I looked toward my rooms longingly, but I really did want to see Cullen outside of the war room. I needed a reminder that I was human again. I am not just meant for killing, that I am meant to help people, and if that meant killing to do it than I would, but that wasn’t who I was. I was a woman, and I was in love with a man. 

I found him at his desk per the norm, for a moment I just looked at him. He had a ghost of a smile on his face. And when he looked up and his eyes met mine, I sighed. 

“Hi.” Was all I managed to say.

“Hello to you too, I guess we didn’t get around to even greeting each other in the war room.” He had a smirk on his mouth. I wanted to kiss it. So I marched up to him and I did.

It was tentative, our relationship was still new, but as I was about to pull away, he wrapped his fingers in my hair and explored my mouth deeper. Cullen’s lips owned mine and while lust was shooting through my body in glorious waves, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer. I leaned into this kiss with everything I had. At this moment I knew I wanted it to continue. I knew that I wanted to make love to Cullen.

Cullen was staring at me now, playful smirk replaced with a heated gaze. His eyes were full of desire and his breathing was completely unsteady. He drew his hand down from the back of my neck to brush the back of his fingers against the outside of my breast which immediately tightened. Then he backed away, back to his post behind the desk. 

I was confused, but before I could ask him what was wrong, he exclaimed.

“Maker, if that is what you call a greeting, we definitely need to keep it out of the war room.” Cullen was breathless at this point.

“Why did you stop?” I asked him, letting the disappointment show in my voice. 

“I . . .” Cullen paused thinking. “Because a moment ago you were barely able to keep to your feet, and as much as I wish to continue our, greeting, I am still trying to be a gentleman.”

“Oh.” Was all I managed to say. I wanted him, but he was right. I was tired, I needed to sleep and we were all leaving at first light for quite an arduous journey. “I guess you’re right.” 

Cullen chuckled, “Is it wrong to be glad that you are disappointed?”

“What has you in such a light hearted mood?” I asked him as he escorted me back toward the keep.

“You shall see, after Adament.” He said with quite the boyish grin on his face. I couldn’t even imagine what he was up to. 

“Very well, Commander. Your secret is your own, for now.”

When we arrived at the base of my rooms the fatigue from earlier almost overwhelmed me. “Good night.” I said. I wanted to kiss him again, perhaps with not the same ferocity as before, but I was unsure. I didn’t know how he felt about displays of affection in the keep. Turns out, it didn’t matter.

“Good night” Cullen leaned over to give me a sweet kiss on the corner of my mouth and then whispered in my ear, “Have pleasant dreams.” His breath and his words made me shiver.

 

The next morning, we were off. It was slow going as we had the whole of the army with us. A few units and about half of the chargers were left at Skyhold to see it it’s defense in the unlikely event that something happened there. The rest of us were free to ride through the troops as we liked. If you didn’t think about what we were going to go do, it was a nice change from dashing around Thedas all the time. 

I talked to Cullen about his family in Ferelden and I told him about my family. It wasn’t as painful as these last months had enabled me to heal. Marric promised to come to Skyhold to see me when things were calmer in Ostwick. He was relieved that I survived and proud of what I was doing. I never did tell him of my discovery about our brother. 

When our group stopped for the night, I would snuggle up to Cullen and one of our friends would regale us with stories. Varric told us about Hawke, like it really happened, not how it was written in his books.

“Aveline,” my mouth hung open, “He was in love with Aveline?”

“Unfortunately for him, he didn’t know it until he was urging her to talk to Donnic. At that time, he felt like it was too late for him. Aveline was in love with Donnic and Hawke wanted her to be happy, so he urged her to go for it.” It was sad really. It made me glad that I was able to talk to Cullen as soon as I did.

“So what do we do?” I asked him.

“Do?” Varric looked back at me.

“Can we set him up?”

“Hah, I have no idea who that would be with?” He started rubbing his chin in thought.

“Well, I’m pretty sure that there is a certain mage here he happens to like a lot.” I sent Dorian a wink, and though he didn’t quite blush, he did look away.

“Who? Certainly not Vivienne!” Varric looked at her in horror and I busted up laughing.

“Absolutely not, my dear.” She was sitting with the rest of us but still managed to look down her nose at us all. “Besides, I am taken so the thought is irrelevant.”

I looked at Dorian to speak up, but it didn’t look like he was going to. I wonder if it had something to do with what Cole told me about him and Bull. Hmm, I wonder. “No, he really likes Dorian.” I exclaimed as I watched The Bull. There it was, a tiny little flicker. The only reason my Ben Hassrath friend couldn’t hide it, was most likely because he didn’t know it was coming.

“Well, I don’t know about that.” Dorian said with either a slight touch of false modesty or a large amount of hidden insecurities.

“Why not,” The Bull contributed. “You could get whoever you wanted Dorian.” At that Dorian looked over toward the much bigger man. Bull just shrugged.

“If he had a noble title, I would say we should steer Josephine toward him.” This from Leliana. 

I looked at her, “Really?” I asked, “Why do you say that.”

“He is a caring man, generous of nature and can bring out the care-free in anyone. He is highly respected and rich. What’s not to love.” She explained.

“Are you sure you don’t want him for yourself?” Cullen teased her.

“Me?” She was lost in thought. “Hmm.” That was all she said as she left us and walked through the camp.

“Well that was . . .” I paused looking for the right word, “different.” Is what I finally decided on.

“So what’s this? You’ve got someone sniffing up your skirts all giddy like and you want no one else to have skirts in the way?” Sera asked me. I had to blink in contemplation to understand what it was she said. Once I understood, I gave her my answer.

“Maybe.” I just grinned and sat in front of Cullen and pulled his arms around me. We hadn’t even done more that the tiny peck he gave me the night before we left Skyhold. I think we were both just enjoying being able to announce that we were together. And I was definitely enjoying his strong arms holding me. He grounded me. 

“Well, who’s next?” Varric asked. “Seeker what about you?”

“I will not sit here and let anyone attempt to play match maker for me.” She said with disgust.

“Nor would I!” I said to her with a knowing wink. “But I think Varric is asking for a story.”

“Oh, I do not tell stories.” Cassandra stated, seemingly ending the conversation.

“Sure you do.” I said cheekily. “I mean you’re not a story teller, that’s for certain. But you have told stories.”

“I can’t imagine what you mean.” Cass’s eyes were open wide and she just momentarily glanced over at Varric. 

“You told me about when you became the left hand of the Divine.” I grinned at her knowing she was thinking about something worse. But I also understood that she knew I would never betray her trust.

“Oh, that!” she scoffed. “No one wants to hear that drivel.”

“Yes we do.” Varric said adamantly. It reaffirmed my thoughts that he liked her and I wondered if there was anything I should do about it. 

However grudgingly, Cassandra couldn’t ignore his request to share her story. By the time she was finished, I was surprised at the additional elements she added since she had told me the story. I speculated that it was either for Varric’s behalf, or because of his influence. 

As the clouds continued to roll through the sky. the evening started to wind down.

The sun was setting. A simple thought for such an amazing sight. The clouds were so close to the soft mountains in the distance that the light could barely make it between the land and the heavens. The waves of heat created a shroud for the hills as it reached to touch the deep orange of the sky. The last light of the day played with the clouds turning their undersides red. The land was jealously hoarding all of the color for itself, leaving everything above the clouds a soft grey only slightly tinted with the blue that it was earlier in the day. I stood and watched the color as it slowly bled from the sky and turned into night. Cullen came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me nuzzling into my hair. I leaned into the comforting warmth of him.

“I’m afraid.” I said, and he only listened. “I’m afraid of how many people will die.”

“This is war.” His voice was soft but his tone firm. “People die in war, there is nothing we can do to stop it. All we can do is ensure our people know that they are cared about, and that their families will be cared for.” I thought about what Cullen said for a moment.

“It is a good thing Josephine is the miracle worker she is. When we started we barely had the funds to feed our people, let alone make sure their families were taken care of. Now we are able to pay them well and have a bereavement fund.” Neither of us spoke for a while. It was on my lips to tell him that I loved him but the comfortable silence that came over us stopped me. 

“You should get some sleep.” Cullen softly spoke in my ear. “If only we weren’t in the middle of a camp full of people under our command.” With that cryptic statement, he kissed just below my ear, gave me a gentle squeeze, and left for his tent. I realized how much I had been depending on his warmth and shuddered. This dessert got cold at night. 

I made my way toward the tent that I shared with Cassandra. I really didn’t like sleeping alone when I traveled. I felt more vulnerable when I wasn’t in my over large room at Skyhold. Practicality had nothing to do with it. 

“Hmph.” Cass made a disgusted sound when I came in the tent. “Why are you here?”

“I always share a tent with you?” I said slightly confused. 

“You should be in the commander’s tent tonight.” She said and I blushed.

“I don’t think either of us are ready for that yet.”

“Fine, but I better hear all of the details when you are.” She said sleepily as she rolled over, but I wasn’t ready for bed yet.

“So, I saw Varric paying rather apt attention to your story tonight.” I waggle my eyebrows at her when she looked at me.

“Do you think so? Was it a good story?” This was so unlike Cassandra that all I could do was blink. “What?” She asked.

“You really like him don’t you?” 

“I think I do, but Maker it’s complicated.”

“We will just have to see where it goes.” I told her.

“Really, you will just let it lay?” Cass asked me.

“Cassandra, you are my best friend. I cannot judge your heart any more than you can judge mine. I will let it lay for as long as you want me to.” That’s what I told her, but in my heart, I knew that if she waited too long I would nudge her. Or knowing Cassandra I might have to kick her out right. 

***

Morning was not as brilliant as the night, Solas thought as he woke from his tent with Dorian. Not everyone could have an easy relationship with the Tevinter mage. He didn’t know why he got assigned a tent with him, though it was of little matter. He knew that Jewel often sought guidance from the mustached moron. It would pique his jealousy if he thought over long about it. He was able to let it alone for two reasons. First, Dorian did not like women in that way, and second, Jewel never went to him for sound advice, only personal insights, which, Solas could admit, he couldn’t give her anyway. Well he didn’t want to. 

Solas was fidgety and would have loved to give into the temptation Fen’Harel gave him to let his wolf out, but there were so many people about and he guarded his secrets carefully. Instead, he scanned for Jewel. He saw her sharing breakfast with the seeker. They were giggling as they often did and Solas wondered what it was about this time. Jewel laughed with full abandon and as much as it pained him to not be a part of her pleasure, he was glad that she had it. Desperately so. 

He was trying to decide whether to join her or not, when Jewel waved him over. He tried not to hurry.

“You have need of me Lethalan?” He asked her.

“I just wanted to let you know what I was planning for Adament. We will be arriving tomorrow and I want to have all plans firmly in place.” Jewel said to him. 

“I am here.” Solas tried to put everything in those words. He couldn’t be for her what he wanted to be, but he would be exactly what she needed him to be, for now. 

“The hallways of Adament are narrow and I will be only taking a small force with me to better navigate them. We will be encountering a lot of demons and I can’t think of anyone better for advising me on demons and the rituals that the wardens will be using.”

“I can’t say that I am an expert on the warden rituals, but I do know demons.” Solas knew what demons were made of, how they became what they did. He knew how every spirit and demon were expected to act. He had a hand in separating demons from the known world after all. He knew what they were. All he said however was, “I will be there.” Out of curiosity he also asked, “Who else will you bring?”

“I was planning on Blackwall, and Cole.” Jewel stated. 

Solas wasn’t surprised about Cole but with regards to Blackwall he said, “I thought he made you uncomfortable.”

At the same time the seeker asked, “And why am I not on that list?”

“We are dealing with Grey Wardens and we have a warden allied to our cause, why not bring him. Perhaps he can help us sway any who are questioning. Cole is a given. We are dealing with demons.” Jewels voice turned into a whisper, “I would not willingly deal with demons without him.” As Jewel finished explaining, Cassandra softened her expression and only said that she understood and wished that jewel would confide in her. 

“Perhaps when we are finished at Adament. I wouldn’t go in there with those experiences fresh on my mind.”  
Cassandra seemed to accept that and left. Solas still wanted Jewel to confide in him as well. “I would not have those experiences weigh so heavily on you if there were a way for me to alleviate them.”

“Thank you Solas. Truly, only Cullen knows the entirety and Cole because he was there at the end. I don’t feel like anyone else would truly understand, but if it will continue to affect decisions I make, you probably should know. However, I will say the same thing I said to Cass. I don’t want to relive those moments before going to deal with demons.” Jewel wrapped her arms around Solas in a hug and touched her forehead to his, much as he has often done to her. “I will not keep you in the dark. Once this is over and I tell you . . .” she paused, “I hope you can help. I still have nightmares.”

All Solas could say was, “I will try, Lethalan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Saw this picture and had to figure out how to describe it. Would love insight. 
> 
> i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/01/05/article-2257622-16BF5CF4000005DC-882_964x609.jpg


	26. Adament

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The inquisition takes Adement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter

The battle was bloody and it hadn’t even begun. I could only watch as the process of taking Adament started. Teams of our troops led toward the gate that contained all of the fear and desperation inside. It wasn’t until we arrived at the gates that the bitterness started to ooze toward us from the very walls. Our men were being thrown from the battlements or pushed off of ladders before they could even get where they needed to be. 

Almost . . . almost.

Screams ending only after death.

Ours? 

Theirs? 

I didn’t know. And right now I didn’t care. The tempo of the battle was harried and uneven.

I couldn’t think. All I was at this moment was . . . focus.

They were beating back our men. I could not, would not allow that.

There were demons and wardens. Claw and tooth. Sword and shield. And magic. 

Almost . . . almost.

“We’re through!” Someone shouted. “Now!”

‘Yes, now.’ I thought with a still and focused ferocity that had undercurrents of wickedness.

‘Now . . . it’s my turn.’ 

***

Cullen watched Jewel. A honed blade slicing through demons and wardens both. Her bow had been fitted with small blades at both sides on the recommendation of Dagna. In these close quarters, Jewel used either side of her bow to weaken and maim until she had the room to draw. Once she did, no one would stay standing for long. 

Cullen had observed her in practice and was impressed then, watching her in actual battle was mesmerizing. Blackwall did his duty keeping all but the most skilled evaders from touching her, when one did get within her reach, she seemed not to notice. Until the attacker wound up flung over her back into the air, only to land with an arrow in the head or chest. Her focus and determination was infallible. It was no time before the courtyard was clear. 

Even though he was impressed by Jewel, he was frustrated enough by the losses that it came through in his tone. “Don’t take unnecessary risks!” He ordered her.

“We’ll be fine, just keep our soldiers safe.” She said, then after one long look, she was gone.

***

My brow was sweating. There were so many to kill. My heart was pounding. There was so much evil magic. My mind was racing, trying to remember what I accepted about magic. Magic is a tool much like my bow. It can kill without preamble, but it is the wielder that chooses the intent. I focused on my own weapon so I could block out the terror of not only magic, but of the demons. I intended my weapon to be a righteous killer.

Cole released me from my reverie. “Soldiers are dying by the ladders.”

“We have to help them!” I shouted as I led them toward the battlements above us.

I wasn’t surprised to find Despair and Pride most common among the demons. What I was surprised about was how many there were. Was there truly one warden mage for every demon here? That seemed impossible, there had to be more demons here that weren’t bound. Or one mage was able to bind many demons. 

The latter seemed more likely, after all death magic was the strongest form of blood magic, and wardens it seemed, would do anything. Including death magic. 

“Inquisitor. Always a pleasure.” Hawke said to me smirking as he killed yet another demon. Rage this time. I couldn’t banter back. It wasn’t in me right now.

“Stay with my forces and see they survive this.”

“I’ll keep them off as best I can.” Was his quick reply.

I didn’t know what else to do. There was terror everywhere. I was afraid. I knew that I would get my men killed. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to beat this. I knew that one would try to possess me. I was afraid that I would fail everyone. I was afraid . . . Clarity. Cole destroyed the demon of despair that was lurking out my eyesight. He grinned at me.

“I helped.” 

The weight lifted off was immeasurable. I was still afraid, but I knew I had this. As I moved to the next group of demons, I thought that I was either getting better at destroying pride, or the demons weren’t as strong without an active rift to the fade to help them. My team and I fought through demons. We fought through men, we came upon some willing to back down. I told them that I was here to stop Clarel, I didn’t want to kill wardens. Before I realized it, I ran out of enemies to kill. I came upon Clarel with the bulk of her wardens.  
“Don’t do this Clarel, you are doing exactly what Erimond wants.” I shouted at her. She wasn’t listening. Erimond continued to poison her. Stroud tried reason as well, to no prevail. Clarel told her mages to bring through the demon. The pain in the mark that came with the wardens forcing a rift open was almost too strong for me to hide.

‘Andraste give me strength to save these men. Let your words come through to them.’ I prayed. Then I realized, this is what I brought Blackwall for. “Blackwall, can you talk some sense into them?” I asked.

“You don’t know me!” He started, he knew what was at stake. “I know how good it feels to put on the armor. To feel like you belong to something great. But dying here today won’t stop the blight. If you want to stop the blight, kill that man up there. His master is the embodiment of its corruption.” His words were powerful, they were emotionally connected to him in a way I had never heard from him before. He believed, and he was able to get the others to believe as well. 

Erimond saw Clarels hesitance and urged her on. She doubted, however, and wouldn’t put her men through anymore without verifying what was truly going on. 

All Erimond had to do was wait a little longer. There more than likely would have been a safer way to finish what he was trying to do. But his arrogance and pride wouldn’t allow him to hang back. 

“Perhaps I should bring in a stronger ally.” He snarled at Clarel. 

As he pounded his staff on the ground, I knew what was coming. Before the men started running in panic, before I smelled the sulfur of the melted red lyrium fire, even before I heard the blood curdling sounds of its cry. I knew, his dragon was here. 

Everyone was focused on the dragon. But the fact that it looked like a blighted arch demon had encouraged the wardens, rather than making them cower as it’s display no doubt intended. Everyone was watching it fly and shriek, everyone that is, but me. I watched Clarel. In one moment her actions went from noble to terrible. In that small second she went from protector to murderer. Not only her friend that she slayed personally, but the dozens that she had convinced to lay down their lives for the greater good. Murdered. I saw in her face the instant she decided to act. 

Erimond cried out in pain. The dragon looked over to Clarel who had struck him with her lightening. Then she lashed out at the dragon, intent on distracting it from what remained of her people and also from the inquisition. As Erimond ran away, and she followed, the only thing she yelled to her people was, “Help the inquisitor.” In that moment, I turned from conqueror to savior. The dragon followed Clarel and my armies were safe. From the wardens and the dragon at least. More demons flooded from the close by rift too quickly for me to be able to seal it. I had to follow Clarel and Erimond if I were to prevent him from creating more disaster elsewhere. So I left it.

I chased after them. The balls of red lyrium brought back memories, none worth celebrating. I flashed back to Haven and to my physical encounter with dragon fire. Pain seized my shoulder and even though I knew it was in my head I had to take a moment and lean against what was a formidable stone column. No sooner had I taken a breath than the dragon broke through some of the protective iron work on the outskirts of what would have been a beautiful balcony area. She might have been looking for me, at least it felt that way. But what was supposed to be a slightly illicit affair with a stone pillar turned into a blessed happenstance that saved me from red lyrium poisoning, as she blasted through the walkway. 

As I finally caught up to the deceived and the deceiver, I was not too late to watch Clarel take Erimond to task. He was supposed to be one of the biggest magical powers in Tevinter and he couldn’t touch the force that was Clarel. She stormed to him, her countenance an impressive mix of fury and regret. Erimond attempted to stop her with his fire, but her personal shields didn’t allow it to touch her. Hell she didn’t even break her stride as she strode toward him. She seemed unstoppable as she punished the evil mage for blinding her. It took a dragon to stop her. One instant she was pummeling Erimond, the next she was in the dragon’s jaws. 

Her overlarge teeth had a firm grip on her victim as she shook the rag doll that was Clarel back and forth, breaking who knows what and damaging so much. When the dragon finally spit Clarel out, it seemed there was no life in her body. Once again Clarel showed the strength and power that allowed her to lead so many for so long. I could barely hear it, but as the high dragon bore down on us, Clarel repeated her warden’s vow. Soft on her lips but strong in her heart. So resilient was her determination, that she was able to strike with her commanding lightening magic once more. 

She wounded the dragons’ vulnerable underbelly with a power so potent, that once the walkway started to fall, the dragon was only just able to fly away. 

We were not so lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always thought Clarel was a badass when she fought Erimond. Love concrit!!


End file.
